Men Are From Mars.

Hubs is constantly asking me where things are in our apartment.  It is scary how much I'm becoming like my mother: I always know exactly where everything is.  So, the other night, we were having dinner.  It was one of those rare nights that we were eating at the dining room table instead of in the living room, so we must have had too much crap piled up on the coffee table been trying to be romantic or something.  Anyway, I asked Hubs if he could please get me the butter.  He opened the fridge and asked, "Where is it?"  I said, "On the shelf"  He looked and looked and looked.  Finally, he said, "Oh, here it is, but it's not opened yet."  I said, "No, no, there's an opened one that's almost empty.  Let's use that one.  It should be on the opposite side of that shelf."  Silence ensues.  Finally, I decided to just go into the kitchen and get the butter myself.  And when I open up the fridge, this is what I found:

Hubs had put the new container of butter back right next to the old one he'd been searching for.

Men are crazy.

A Conversation with Mom.

Yesterday, I had a lovely telephone conversation with my mom.  It went something like this:

Me: Yeah, that's what Dad said.

Mom: Who said?

Me: Dad.  You know, my dad?  Your husband?

Mom:  Your baby daddy?

Me: Um, no, definitely not.

Mom: He's not your baby daddy?  What are you talking about?

Me:  No, mother.  He's YOUR baby daddy.  He's just my daddy.  And why the hell are we even talking like this?

Mom: Darn it!  I knew I would get it confused!  I was watching Maury the other day, and it was all about proving who was whose baby daddy.  I wanted to impress you by talking like today's youth.

Me: Ok, three things: Please never call my dad my baby daddy again.  I shudder at the thought.  Secondly, please just don't ever say "baby daddy" again.  Ever.  And three, Can't you just stick to Dr. Phil?

Mom: I'm not making any promises.

Bachelor: The Finale!

From abc.com

Sorry that this post is late, but effing AppleTV JUST put the new episodes up!  GAH!!  So, now that everyone pretty much knows the woman Sean has chosen, I'll give you my re-cap.

So, Sean's family gets to meet Catherine and Lindsay in this episode, and Catherine is the first.

I think Catherine is absolutely adorable.  Have I said that before?  She and Sean's mom go off to talk, and Catherine was like Miss America with all of her correct answers.  She and Sean's mom hug it out, and then she goes to talk to Sean's dad.  Catherine tells him she's "consumed" by Sean.  She also reveals that their time together is all about "laughing and eating."  That's my kind of relationship!

And then Sean's dad made me cry.  He told Catherine that if she's the one who's chosen, Sean's dad will be her biggest cheerleader.  Catherine teared up and became emotional because of the shaky relationship she has with her dad.  I just thought it was a beautiful moment...and I'm not even being a sarcastic jerk for once.

Sean said his time with Catherine and her family "made sense."

Then Lindsay gets her turn to meet Sean's family.  She goes off alone with Sean's dad, and she answers the same questions posed to Catherine.

I think it's safe to say that both Catherine and Lindsay would be willing to date Sean's dad if they aren't the one who's chosen.

Then Lindsay gets all emotional with Sean's mom.  She tells her that it's incredible that the journey has led her to these "amazing people."  Brownie points for Lindsay!  You go, girl!

After Lindsay leaves, Sean gets some alone time with his family.  His mom immediately tells Sean that she's scared for him, and that if he's not absolutely sure, he should not propose to either of them.  She pulls him aside so they can speak alone about everything.  Sean tells her he doesn't need the added pressure.  He tells her he's taking in what she says, but they've only seen each of the women for twenty minutes.  His mom starts crying, and Sean handles it really great.  I kind of love him.  Platonically, of course (Love you, Hubs!).

He's like, "Mom, let's take a walk."  And then he tells her that he's not going to do anything he's not sure of.  After making his mom feel a little better, Sean bids his family farewell.

The next shot is of Sean in a muscle shirt, which I think is kind of weird.  Are guys wearing these again?  Do I need to invest in some for Hubs?  I'm so confused.

He meets up with Lindsay.  They kiss and hug, and then Sean takes her on some raft ride.  They're all lovey dovey while this bored-looking dude rows the raft around for them.  I hope he doesn't speak English because if he does, he probably thinks Americans are dumb.

Lindsay then asks what he thinks they'll look like when they're old.  How dumb.  Sean says he'll look "friggin' handsome."  He says he can see Lindsay being a hot old chick.  Then she giggles and tells him she loves him.  They make out for a bit, and then it's magically night time and Lindsay is pouring the bubbly for them.  They make out some more.

Lindsay tells the camera that she has something special to show Sean tonight and she can't wait to share it with him.  Lindsay, it's not appropriate to show Sean your vagina right now, girlfriend.  Put it away.

Oh, wait.  It's just a lantern that you write stuff on and then send them away.  I've always wanted to have one of those lanterns.

Then he meets up with Catherine, who tells him she touched an elephant yesterday.  Then an elephant comes out and they get to ride on it.  Catherine starts giggling and can't believe she's riding an elephant in Thailand.  Before we know it, Sean is basically riding Catherine whilst riding the elephant.  Catherine is too obsessed with being on an elephant to notice Sean's boner in back of her.

Then they're in this hun thingy on top of a hill.  Catherine looks really nervous and fidgety.  She admits to the camera that it's always hard for her to tell him exactly how she's feeling--what she looks their future will look like and such.  I think it would be awkward to talk about that stuff when you know he's in a serious relationship with another woman.

Catherine tells Sean that she feels a lot and she's scared she's feeling it for no reason.  Sean says she shouldn't be scared, but he's also fairly diplomatic, I think.  Then Sean tells the camera that it melts his heart to know Catherine is opening up to him.  It was adorable---he had this huge, goofy smile on his face.  And then he says, "And then there's Lindsay."  And that's when we all know the person Sean is going to choose.  Totally obvious.  Catherine says she doesn't want Sean to leave, they hug for twenty minutes, and then she tells him she loves him.  He leaves, and Catherine follows him out, crying.  And now I'm crying.  Why the eff am I so emotional today?  I need chocolate.

They basically just kiss a few times, and then they say goodbye again.  Catherine says it's the most horrible goodbyes she's ever had.  She's frustrated because she can't get anything out of him, and it's scary because she's out on a limb by herself again.  I really, really feel for her.  I felt the same way when I met my husband and realized I was falling for him.

And then Chris B. Harrison and his live audience interrupt everything and start dissecting the dates.  Chris B. Harrison, please stop wasting my time.  Let's cut to the proposal, shall we?

Finally, back to a topless Sean.  All is right in the world.  Sean has just showered and is on his balcony, contemplating his journey.  He says he woke up in the morning and knows there's a woman he can't live without.  Then, conveniently, Neil Lane shows up at Sean's door.  How come Neil never visits me?

Sean choose a beautiful ring, then he starts to get dressed.  He's very emotional.  So am I, but I'm wondering if all of my emotion is from skipping lunch today.  I'm starving!

Then the camera goes to the women getting ready for the big proposal.  Lindsay looks beautiful in a sparkly gown.  She's feeling very confident that she's the one Sean will choose.  Catherine, on the other hand, is not confident at all.  She's basically freaking out.  She looks hot in a gold gown.

Then Chris B. Harrison is back with Lesley, Jackie, Ashlee, and Sarah.  Three out of four of them think Sean chooses Lindsay.  Hmm, interesting.

Back to the good stuff.  Lindsay gets out of the car, telling the camera this is the best day of her life because it's the day she's getting engaged.  Oh, girlfriend.

Chris sets her free to walk a long-ass way to Sean.  What, is this like the final obstacle on Wipeout or something?

Finally, she gets to Sean.  He says a bunch of nice stuff, but then he starts to cry and tells her it's not her.  She says, "Please, just stop."  Then she says, "Is it me?"  YOU NEVER ASK THAT OF COURSE IT'S NOT YOU!!!!!!  I'm so mad that I'm keeping that run-on.  Anyway, she takes off her heels, pulls off her dress, and off she goes.  Sean is still crying as he walks her our.  He stops her, tells her she means a lot to him, and she gives him a dirty look before wishing him luck.  Wow, he's really crying and almost hyperventilating.

In the car, Lindsay is crying and shaking her head.  She feels like an idiot.  And then she said, "Let's dangle everything I've ever wanted right in front of my face and then take it away.  Why did he do this to me?  Why?"  Ok, if she "did not want to be hurt this way," she shouldn't have been on this show.  Ok, this is getting annoying.  Let's get to Catherine already.  I mean, the girl just keeps saying she doesn't want to be alone, but she's like 23!  Give me a break!

Finally, we get to the mysterious letter!  It's from Catherine.  I can hardly contain myself!  Um, the letter is typed.  Is this planned? What the heck?  Oh, and just when we're about to find out what it says, we cut back to Chris B. Harrison and his stupid audience.  WHO GIVES A CRAP, CHRIS??

Finally, Sean starts to read the letter, but then the voice switches over to Catherine.  It's basically another love letter.  I feel let down.  I really wanted more drama.  Oh well, at least I love Catherine and so does Sean.  We're emotional again.  And still hungry.  At least I am.

And then he's proposing and she's crying and I'm crying and OMG, does someone have a cookie or something because this is just a little too much for me.

They ride off in the sunset, I grab a chocolate cookie, and then After the Final Rose starts.

Sean comes out and Chris B. Harrison says the best part about it is he never has to see Sean naked again.  He's all happy and excited, which is awesome.  He says "journey" a few hundred times, and then Lindsay comes out.

She's all sweet and cute, but she still wants to know what happened.  Sean doesn't have an answer, other than he's in love with Catherine.  She tells Sean that she's really happy for him and thinks the world of him.  She is very gracious and very much a lady.

FINALLY, Catherine gets to come out to be with her man!  WOO HOO!!  I just love her smiling face. For reals!

The best part was when they played the proposal back and Sean started crying again.  I wasn't really impressed with Catherine's answer after.  Chris B. Harrison asked how it felt to be with a guy who cries when he watches their engagement, and she gave a weird answer.  It was just...I don't know.  It was weird.

Then Sean announces they will get married on ABC.  Oh, and he's going on Dancing with the Stars and Des is the new Bachelorette.

I gotta admit--I actually loved this season for reasons other than being a catty biotch, and I hope Sean and Catherine are happy and in love forever.  The End.

The Bachelor: The Women Tell ALL!

From ABC.com

Sadly, I thought The Women Tell All would be a lot juicier than it was.  Sigh.  The introduction was especially boring.  Apparently, Sean and Chris B. Harrison went around California to crash people's Bachelor viewing parties.  Big deal.

Then the girls bashed Tierra for a good while.  Basically, everything you've seen on the show each week was reiterated.  I was really hoping they'd show some never-before-seen footage, but alas, it did not happen.

Tierra came out to defend herself.  She sat with Chris B. Harrison, and she had this wounded look on her face.  She also talked very softly, playing the victim as usual.  Chris asked her if she wanted to apologize for anything that she did, but she said that she had nothing to apologize for.  Robyn told her she was delusional.  Selma said that she was nice to Tierra until the morning she walked past Tierra and Tierra ignored her good morning wishes.  Ok, I have to defend her here.  I am a MAJOR you-know-what in the morning before I have my shower and coffee, so that could just be how she is, too.  Selma said that eventually everyone just gave up trying to be her friend.

Tierra and Ashlee had a discussion, too.  Tierra told Ashlee she lied to her face.  Ashlee got pissed and told her she took great offense at being called a liar.  Tierra said, "No matter what I say, it's always wrong."

Yeah, pretty much.

Tierra thought Ashlee was too tough on her, but Lesley, who was there when the shiz hit the fan in St. Croix, said she didn't think she was too tough; she thought someone had to put Tierra in her place.

This is when I realize that Selma really likes to talk.  For someone who only went mildly far into the competition, she certainly wants to put her two cents into every situation.  I'm annoyed.

Tierra apologized to everyone for thinking she wasn't friendly.  She said she didn't know how to handle the situation and she guesses she handled it the wrong way.

Yeah, pretty much.

Chris B. Harrison reveals that Tierra also got engaged.  He asked her how it happened, and she said that she had broken up with the dude, gone on The Bachelor, and then got back together with him after the show.  Gee, if that doesn't sound suspicious.  He also asked her when they got engaged.  She said, "No comment."  WTF?  Why can't she tell us?  But then she ends up admitting it was in January, as if anyone cares.  I will say that she is sporting one huge-ass rock on her finger now.

Chris then asked Sarah to come up and talk.  They show a montage of her time on the show, and everyone gets teary.  Sarah said she thought they had something else.  She said that this sort of things happens in all of her relationships, and she can't help but think it's because of her arm, which just absolutely breaks my heart.  I mean, who gives a crap?  The woman is beautiful and sweet!  She hopes the show will open her up to new relationships, and I hope it does, too.

Then Des gets her turn to chat.  She confesses that she thinks she had the worst hometown date in Bachelor history, which is probably true.  She says she's curious to see if her brother really was a big reason why she didn't get a rose.

Finally, Ashlee gets to say her piece.  She admits that she thinks Sean acted like a frat boy with all of the other girls.  When asked if she's still in love with Sean, she said she is not.

Sean came out after that.  Chris wants him to talk to Ashlee, so Ashlee asks Sean what happened between them.  Basically, Sean says he just didn't feel like they were best friends.  That had to hurt.  Ashlee also said she was bothered that Sean never came to check up on her after the show.  Um, what??  "You're supposed to be a gentleman, Sean," she says.  Um, yeah, Ashlee, and you're supposed to NOT be psycho, but I guess we all have our flaws.

She also accused Sean of telling her in the fantasy suite that he had absolutely no feelings for the other two women.  He vehemently denied this, and they even fought it out after the cameras broke for commercial.  Sean swore up and down that he never said that, and Ashlee told him he said it twice.  Who do I believe?  Sean.  The Bachelor knows enough not to say that kind of stuff to one woman, especially when he knows he's kicking her butt to the curb the next day.

The show ended with some semi-funny bloopers, and then they did a montage of one of the producer's dogs that died, which completely depressed the crap out of me.  I can't handle dying animals.

Next week's finale is THREE FREAKING HOURS LONG, but I really can't wait to see his choice.  I want to say it's Catherine, but it looks like there's some sort of dramatic letter involved next week, so we shall see.

Married Conversations.

Me (Singing): This is f-ing awesome.

Hubs: What's f-ing awesome?

Me: It's a song.  I'm singing.

Hubs: Who sings it?

Me: Macklemore.

Hubs: Michael Moore?  The fat white guy?

Me: Yes, Hubs.  I'm singing a song by Michael Moore, the fat white guy.  He's all the rage with the youngins these days.


This just happened.

The Bachelor: Fantasy Island.

From abc.com

This week's episode took place in beautiful Thailand.  Hubs has been to Thailand, but I have not.  I don't think that's fair!

Anyway, this episode was pretty boring, so this post should be fairly short.

You're welcome.

When the show started, Sean went over all of the qualities he loves most about the three remaining women.  Of Catherine, he said she's goofy and nearby, and that he shares something with her that he doesn't have with the others.  Of Ashlee, he says they want the same future, the same marriage, the same family.  And of Lindsay, he says their relationship is a spark that's grown into this massive flame.

This is one deep beefcake, America.

Anyway, Sean's first date is with Lindsay.  He takes her to a seafood market.  When he tells her that's where they're going, she says, "Sounds perfect!"  Seriously, girlfriend?  You're in Thailand and you think a seafood market sounds awesome?  Wow, ok.  Whatever floats your boat.  On the way to the market, Ashlee says, "It's hard to look at beautiful Thailand when I have this gorgeous guy next to me."    Eh, I'd Thailand over Sean any day, but then again, I'm happily married.

Sean tells the camera that Lindsay told him she'd do anything but eat bugs, so what does he do?  He buys a bunch of bugs for them to eat.  Lindsay eats them like a champ, which makes me hate her.  Why would you eat bugs for someone?  I told Hubs I'd never do that for him.  He said the same.  At least we're on the same page.

Sean tells Lindsay, "You're the best friend I've been looking for."  Lindsay just has the dumb, glazed look on her face.  For some reason, she reminds of Scrappy Doo.

I always hated Scrappy Doo.

Lindsay likes to dabble in the baby talk, and if this ain't your first rodeo on DDB, you know that I absolutely hate the baby talk.  She also does this weird pouty lip thing, which is equally annoying.  I just don't like her.  I think she's too young for him, but whatevs, I'm not his family.  I won't have to put up with this girl for the whole two months the relationship will last post-show.

Lindsay finally tells Sean she loves him.  He tells her he loves hearing her saying that.  I don't want to say this, you guys, but I think Sean is going to choose her.  They skip gleefully into the fantasy suite together and slam the door behind them.  You can all but hear the porn music playing.

The next date is with Ashlee.  For the first ten minutes of the date, the viewers have to listen to Ashlee telling the camera in a hundred thousand different ways how much she loves Sean.  Yawn.

For their date, she and Sean are going to a private beach, but there's a catch!  In order to get to the beach, they have to swim through a scary cave.  Eek!  Ashlee tells the camera, "I don't do caves."  Well, sister, can't say I blame you there!  I'd be all, "Hey, that's great, Sean!  You take the cave, I'll take the 'copter.  PEACE."  Then Ashlee says, "Vulnerable vulnerable vulnerable vulnerable" for the next twenty minutes.  Every date she has with Sean represents "letting go" to her.

After their jaunt on the beach, they have a nice dinner on a different beach.  I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure Ashlee is drunk.  Sean seems distracted, and I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that Ashlee is getting the boot.  Ashlee says, "Sean is my soulmate.  This man has literally broken my heart."  Uh oh...

Sean gives her the fantasy suite card, Ashlee talks as if she's not about to spend the night with him, and then she says, "Of course I want to do this!"

Finally, Sean meets up with Catherine, who is just too adorable for words.  They take a boat around Thailand, they jump off the boat, they snorkle, they make out...it's just a beautiful day.  Catherine discloses to Sean that she's used to getting picked on, that most people tell her she's fat and she eats too much.  Ummm...what??  Where the hell did that come from?  And who the hell tells this teeny lass she's fat?  Losers!  Sean replies with, "You are smokin' hot.  I'm the lucky one.  Promise."  Aw, that was super sweet, Sean, and I'm not even being sarcastic for once!

Catherine also chooses to enter the fantasy suite with Sean so that he can enter her.

Sean then has a pow wow with Chris B. Harrison.  Sean tells him he's in love.  Chris B. Harrison says, "Wow."  Sean says he thinks he's ready to get down on one knee.  Chris B. Harrison says, "Wow."  This guy is such a good host.

Anyway, Chris B. Harrison then shows Sean the videos the three women made for him.  Lindsay and Catherine make cutesie videos for Sean, but Ashlee's is very serious and she starts crying pretty hard.  Sean seems to get upset and choked up.  Uh, yeah, Ashlee, you are doomed.

And I'm right (finally): Lindsay gets the first rose, and Catherine gets the second.  Before we find out, though, we have to wait ten minutes in between the first and second rose.  It was all very awkward.  After he gives the second rose to Catherine, Sean just looks scared.  Ashlee is staring daggers into Sean's eyes.  She finally walks off, and Sean tries to walk her out to the car.  She says, "Just stay there."  He follows her anyway, telling her why he chose to have her go home.  She whispers, "Whatever," and then gets in the car.

Ashlee does the normal "I got dumped" speech/tears in the car. She tells the camera, "It's the ultimate reject."  Um, no, Ashlee, it's the ultimate rejection, but thanks for playing. Meanwhile, Sean is sitting on a bench with his head down.  Then there's this weird/psycho shot of Catherine and Lindsay standing there and staring out at Sean.  It was very strange and stalkerish.  I loved it.

Next week is the Women Tell All, which should be pretty juicy since Tierra will be making her return.  And after that?  THE THREE-HOUR FREAKING FINALE!!!  I am SO happy that I no longer have to stay up till 11 to watch these marathons.  At least Apple TV is good for something.

The Bachelor: Sean Tells All!

From abc.com

Last night, a special episode of The Bachelor aired.  In this episode, Sean supposedly "told all."  Whatevs.

Chris B. Harrison wasted no time asking Sean what the heck he was thinking by dumping Des.  Basically, he said he could see himself spending the rest of his life with Catherine, but he only thought he could see himself spending the rest of his life with Des.

Then Chris asked about Des's brother, who is a major douche bag.  Sean said he wanted to hit the dude, but then it's revealed to us that Sean actually met Des's brother before he met with Des's parents, and they actually got along.  They were laughing, Des's bro was telling Sean what a good guy he was...and then two hours later, the dude is ripping our poor ripped-ab Sean to shreds. In the end, though, Sean thinks he made the right decision.

Next on Chris's agenda?  Sarah, my favorite.   Sean said he knew as soon as he kissed Sarah in Canada that she wasn't the one for him.  There just wasn't enough passion.  Sean says he knows that Sarah is going to meet the man of her dreams and live happily ever after, which I think was really sweet (and very true!).

Next, Sean talks about Selma, who would not kiss Sean on the show because of her religious and cultural beliefs.  Chris said, "There was amazing sexual tension between the two of you!"  Sean agreed, but he said he also realized when they finally did kiss that she was not his future wife.

Switching gears, Chris B. Harrison brings up Lesley M., with whom Sean broke the Guinness Book of World Records for longest onscreen kiss.  Sean said, "That three-minute kiss felt like thirty seconds."  Then they showed a scene with Lesley that we didn't get to see.  She and Sean, on one of their one-on-ones were trying to sensuously eat brownies.  It was so funny!  Why can't they show that crap on the show?

And finally, they talk about everyone's favorite contestant, Tierra.  I miss her so much!  They showed some of my favorite clips from this season starring both Tierra and her eyebrow.  Sean says he feels duped by Tierra.  He also said she never should have been on the show because she doesn't handle herself in that sort of environment.  Well, duh, but that's why we love her.

Chris B. Harrison tells Sean that the fight Tierra had with Robyn in Montana actually lasted hours, traveled from room-to-room, and involved pretty much everyone.  Jackie accused Tierra of flirting with some dude in the airport, and Tierra's all, "What's the big deal?  So I flirted."  I really need to see more of this fight, Chris B. Harrison.  Please?

Then the boys started talking about Catherine, and how she apparently squeezed herself into the wheel of the big son machine.  Sean says, "She's very flexible."  Oh, really, Sean?  How would you know, hmmmm?

Chris brings up that on his Montana date with Lindsay, the two of them crowd surfed.  It was really stupid.

Chris B. Harrison asks if Sean is excited or nervous about the overnight dates.  Of course Sean is excited.  He's totally going to bone some cute girls, why wouldn't he be?

Ok, and then the show ended.  I did not like this special edition of The Bachelor.  I wanted more juicy gossip, more drama from the lay-deez, and I didn't get that at all.  Boo, ABC.  Boo.