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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Bachelorette: I've Got Nothin'.

Another Monday, another episode of The Bachelorette to make me feel better about myself.  This week’s episode takes place in Buenos Aires, Argentina.  JoJo knows her boys are gonna love this city.  Chris B. shows up look all casual in a tie-less suit.  He’s all, “Hola!”  OMG, he’s bilingual.  He also informs the guys there’s going to be a one-on-one date, a group date, and for the first time in history, a SECOND two-on-one date.  The guys take it well, though, and they all walk down the street to their hotel looking like NKOTB circa 1989.  They also continue their streak of randomly yelling out JoJo’s name from the balcony.  So weird. 

Wells finds out he gets the one-on-one date.  I forgot he was still around, but I suspect he won’t be for much longer, especially when he confesses he’s the last guy to kiss the Jo-ster.  Luke is a major tool and asks JoJo if she and Wells are going to kiss today.  What an ass.  The date starts rather awkwardly, but I like Wells because he buys JoJo a bracelet.  I’d kiss him for a bracelet.  Wells tells the camera he hasn’t kissed JoJo yet because he wants the moment to be perfect.  In order to create that perfect moment, JoJo takes him to some show that’s famous in Buenos Aires.  It looks kinda like Cirque du Soleil’s O.  Wells chickens out from kissing her.  Oh, I just noticed that Wells has Ponyboy’s leather jacket again.  Oh my gosh, Wells is so awkward around her!  I’m not sure he even wants to kiss her.  Back at the hotel, the guys don’t think Wells is coming home tonight.  They might be wrong because after sliding around some weird pool, Wells and JoJo make out a lot.  Of the pool, JoJo says, “There’s something very sexy about what we’re doing right now.”  Over dinner, Wells tells JoJo that he walked into this skeptical.  Um, I’m sorry, then why is he on the show?  I question his motives now.  JoJo wants to hear about his relationships.  He tells her that his longest was like four years, and they ended it because they realized they were best friends and nothing more.  This entire date is awkward and boring.  JoJo holds up the date rose while telling him this doesn’t feel 100% like she wanted it to.  She’s like, “I can’t give you this rose, but you’re amazing.”  Then she fake cries again.  It’s soooo awkward.  I want to hide under my bed right now.  Wells is also fake crying.  JoJo is walking down the street all by herself.  She can’t imagine how hard this is going to get.  I can’t imagine walking in those heels.  Then she goes into this rave or something and walks by herself.  She finds herself in the middle of the rave.  People are all happy and shouting and dancing.  It’s raining in the rave.  JoJo gives a shy laugh.  Just so you know, I haven’t made any of this up.  It’s not like I fell asleep and had to write something.  This is actually what happened. 

Back at the hotel, Chase and Derek find out they’re on the two-on-one date.  I hope Derek wins. 
The group date is next.  It’s basically all about Not the Real James Taylor talking about how inept and inadequate he feels—they’re better looking, more athletic, funnier…NTRJT is annoying the crap out of me.  Then the guys try to make a goal in order to win a kiss from JoJo.   Who wins?  NTRJT, of course!  He says, “I’m on a really quick train and it’s heading to I Love JoJoville.”  OMG, I can’t make this shit up.

Luke is the first to get some alone time with Jojo.  He’s so intense.  They kiss this really slow and weird kiss. Can we kiss a little faster or something?  This is making me uncomfortable.  JoJo tells the camera that their passion is indescribable.  They are going to have some serious sex in the fantasy suite. 

JoJo and James Taylor finally get some time together.  James tells JoJo that he doesn’t trust Jordan.  He stumbles over his words and I have no idea what the hell he is even saying.  He finally shuts up and kisses her.  I do not see the same spark between JoJo and James that I just witnessed in Luke and JoJo.  JoJo is worried about Jordan now, so she asks him to come and talk to her.  I’m sure this will lead to making out.  Like an idiot, JoJo basically tells Jordan that James talked about him.  Jordan denies everything.  Of course he does.  What’s he supposed to say?  “I’m totes a major douche!”  Back with the guys, Jordan totally ignores James.  He’s swirling his wine and sipping his drink like some sort of villain.  He’s scaring me, you guys.  I think he’s scaring James, too, because he’s fumbling with his words again.  Alex sits back like the douche he is.  Jordan calls James pathetic.  JoJo decides to give the group rose to Luke, probably because James and Jordan are jerks and Alex and Robby didn’t get any air time. 

JoJo takes Derek and Chase to tango lessons.  This should be interesting.  So, JoJo goes back and forth dancing with Derek and Chase.  It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.  After the dumb dancing lessons, the three of them go to dinner.  JoJo steals Derek away first.  He tells her from the first time he looked into her eyes, he knew she was the most amazing woman in the world.  Um, whatever, Derek.  I really think he’s stepping up his game because he wants to beat Chase. 

Chase and JoJo have some alone time next.  Chase is shocked when JoJo accuses him of not feeling as strongly as she does.  He gives her some line about it being difficult to date her while she’s also dating other guys.  He says he wants her.  They make out.  It’s time to give the date rose, though.   JoJo fake chokes up.    She gives the rose to Chase, which shocks me a little.  She walks him out to the ilmo.  Of walking him out, JoJo says, “It doesn’t make you feel good.”  Dejected, Derek gets into the limo.  JoJo cries on the curb.  Derek tells the camera that “Derek is imperfect.”  Pretty sure Derek is also drunk.  Then, for a good twenty minutes, we have to watch Derek cry while JoJo and Chase dance to “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina.”  This episode is so lame.  I’ve got nothin’, you guys.
It’s finally time for the rose ceremony.  Jordan grabs JoJo and tells her that he’s falling in love with her.  JoJo has her head on his shoulder and is buying his act completely.  She talks and makes out with the other guys, too.  I am so ready to go to bed.  Please be over soon.

Blah Blah Blah they want a rose; it’s the hardest decision she’s ever had to make.  Robby gets the first rose.  I barely saw that dude this week.  The second rose goes to Jordan, of course.  The third and final rose of the night is between Alex and James Taylor.  JoJo picks up the final rose, looks around for a bit, and then…walks out of the room.  Chris B. meets her outside.  JoJo tells him she doesn’t want to give the rose out.  Chris takes the rose from her, and then she heads back in...PLOT TWIST…she can’t decide between the two guys, so she’s bringing them BOTH along next week.  I wish I could say that episode looks awesome, but it looks dull and dumb. Sigh.  

Monday, June 20, 2016

The Bachelorette: Boy Drama At Its Best.

I am going to be honest: I actually missed the craziness that is The Bachelorette.  Thankfully, Crazy Chad, JoJo, and Chris B. Harrison are at it for another two hours tonight!  After a very loooooong recap, it’s time to begin tonight’s trainwreck.
The boys are back at their new quarters celebrating that JoJo ditched Chad.  Everyone is high-fiving and cheering, especially Jordan.  Not the Real James Taylor plays his guitar while some guy I’ve never seen before eulogizes Chad by spreading his protein powder around like ashes.  Meanwhile, in Crazyville, Chad is wandering around the woods in the dark whilst whistling a scary tune.
The guys are getting ready to turn in for the night when there’s a knock on the front door.  It’s Chad, who is running his fingers down the length of the door while the guys shit their pants inside the house.  Jordan tries to make peace for the good of the group because he’s a kiss-ass and doesn’t want to die at the hands of a madman.  Chad’s like, “I came to fuck shit up.” (Sorry, Mom).  Jordan shakes his hand and Chad squeezes it really hard.  Jordan tells him he has no problems with Chad, even though he works out by himself and goes in the hot tub.  Evan’s all, “Do you have your wallet because you owe me my shirt.”  Freaking a, Evan.  You can get your stupid shirt at Old Navy for $5.99 right now.  Make like Frozen and let it go, will you?
Sweet Jesus, now JoJo and Alex are making out in front of the house.  I hate everyone.  Alex is hoisted on someone’s shoulders as soon as he enters the room, and then the guys bake cupcakes and smash them in his face.  What a waste of cupcakes.  They also light sparklers.  This is the oddest party I’ve ever seen in my life, but I kind of like it.  Well played, ABC. 
JoJo shows up to the rose ceremony with another sparkly dress.  She gives a really boring speech about Chad and other boring stuff. Evan says it shows she’s serious about this process and serious about finding love.  I think she’s just serious about sparkles, which I appreciate.  Chase says he has that instant instinct and “comfortability” with JoJo.  I thought comfortability wasn’t a real word and was about to make fun of Chase, but thankfully, I looked it up first and it IS a real word (but let’s not start using it, ok?), so I can’t make fun of him…for that.
Robby makes out with JoJo and the guys see.  They’re all freaking out like this is The Bachelor and not The Bachelorette.  And then some guy I don’t know recites a really stupid poem he wrote for JoJo.  It’s really dumb.  Like, really dumb.  JoJo smiles and pretends to be flattered.  Alex interrupts before Guy I Don’t Know Can Cop A Feel. 
Luke tells her he wants to be in her….I mean, with her, and that he’s in love with her.  JoJo says thank you in a baby voice and they make out. This guy just creeps me out.  He’s way too intense. 
Jordan takes her to get some action, but instead of taking her where no one can see, he just takes her to the other side of the wall.  They make out like the cool couple in the hallways in high school.  I hate them.
Right before JoJo announces this week’s winners, she thanks the guys for sticking by her in this process.  I’m too sober for this right now.
Derek is the first to get a rose.  As she asks him to accept her rose, I ask who the hell is Derek?  Robby gets a rose next, and then Chase.  She probably chose him because of his comfortability factor.  Wells gets a rose next.  Evan stands there smiling like he knows he’s screwed.  Grant, who gets absolutely no screen time, gets a rose, and so does Vinny.  I also never see Vinny.  Not the Real James Taylor gets a rose.  Evan says really creepy things to the camera about wanting to continue his relationship with JoJo.  He’s in luck because she gives it to him.  Daniel and another unknown gentleman are going home.  Unknown Man is like, “I don’t think I’d be going home if she knew who I was.”  Dude, NO ONE knows who you are.  Daniel is such a gentleman to everyone until he goes out to talk to the camera.  He’s like, “I have a hot body.  People want me.  I’ve got a better chance at being struck by lightning while shaving my face.  Blah Blah Blah.”  Go back to Canada, Daniel.
JoJo informs the remaining gents that they are heading to Uruguay.  Not the Real James Taylor says some really stupid shit and then everyone freaks out and drinks champagne. 
After getting settled in in Uruguay, a date card comes for Jordan.  Other guys are pissed because Jordan gets A LOT of alone time with JoJo.  I’m pissed because I find him dull and douchey.  Wells thinks he’s still here to get another stamp in his passport.  That’s basically the only reason I’d do a show like this.  It’s so much less exercise-y than Amazing Race. 
Next thing I know, JoJo is sweeps Jordan’s hair out of his face whilst lying with him on a yacht.  That make out and bite each other’s lips.  After they do that for a bit, they cuddle and spoon.  Jordan sees seals and starts arfing while I start barfing.  The guys back at home are smack-talking him like crazy.  I wish I could’ve been on a conference call with them during this.  They also find a couple of magazines about JoJo.  Apparently, her ex-boyfriend, also named Chad, told InTouch that he’s been sneaking around with JoJo while she films the show.  The boyz are pissed and want some answers.  I wonder which ABC producer gave the guys the mags?  Clearly, they knew the show was getting pretty boring now that Chad is gone.  My favorite scene of the night is when Evan is lying on his bed while thumbing through the magazine.  Nice shirt, Evan.
During dinner, JoJo discloses that she met an ex-girlfriend of Jordan’s.  She told JoJo he wasn’t a good boyfriend.  I totes could’ve told her that. When JoJo confronts Jordan about this, he looks visibly uncomfortable.  He’s falling all over his words and everything.  It was awesome.  Jordan blames it on his illustrious football career and denies cheating on this mystery woman.  He recalls a story his pastor told him when he was growing up.  Leave God and your childhood pastor out of this, Jordan.  It must’ve been the pastor story that convinced JoJo that Jordan’s feelings were true because she gives him a rose.  Of course she does. 
A producer informs JoJo that the guys have seen the magazine.  She freaks the eff out, claiming if he’s not happy, he wants to take everyone else down with him.  She says coming on The Bachelor was the best thing to happen to her because of that shitdog who was interviewed by the mag.  The next twenty minutes are just a montage of JoJo crying. 
She goes to talk to the guys about the magazine and she is still crying.  The guys all look curious and concerned.  Jordan looks all smug like, “Heh heh, dodged a bullet thanks to this scandal!” He is the entire tool section at Sears. 
In the next scene, we see JoJo walking in the desert, alone and contemplating this journey and her past.  She is dressed like an early 2000s Avril Lavigne.  Maybe she listened to “Complicated” on her morning jog or something. Suddenly, the guys appear to save her!!!  THANK GOD!!!!  After sand surfing, she and the guys go back to have some drinks.  Luke holds her hand while discussing the magazine scandal.  They kiss and stuff.  Not the Real James Taylor also forgives and kisses her.  Wells, looking like an extra in The Outsiders with a leather jacket and loads of hair grease, proposes a toast to the future, not the past. 
While Derek is in one room making out with JoJo, Alex tells the camera that he’s calculated, jealous, and giving off a vibe of insecurity.  He hates him.  I guess now that Chad is off, he’s going after the next victim.  When JoJo gives Derek the rose, Alex freaks out and says he knows Derek must’ve told her he’s insecure. 
Robby goes on a date with JoJo.  They drink and try on hats.  They also jump off a cliff and then fondle each other in the water.  At dinner, Robby tells a really depressing story about losing his best friend, and JoJo pretends to cry. Seriously, she wipes away invisible tears.  He tells her he loves her, and while they make out, I think it’s too much too soon, Robby.  She gives him the rose, but honestly, I don’t think Robby is the one.    
Meanwhile, the guys question Derek about what he must’ve said to JoJo in order to get the rose.  Derek has never been into fraternities, which is what he feels like he’s in now.  Alex keeps grilling him and making himself look like a tool. 
Derek asks Jordan, Chase, and Alex to step outside to talk during the rose ceremony.  The guys laugh off his comments about looking like a high school clique.  Jordan denies that they’re a clique and Alex grinds him about how petty he is.  Hmmm….yet Alex is the one who starts the whole insecurity thing.  Jordan asks the other guys if they’ve felt excluded.  No one really says much of anything.  It was dumb.
Chris B. Harrison comes in to save the day by saying the cocktail party is off—ABC has made JoJo’s decision…I mean, JoJo has made her decision.  Three men will be hightailing it outta there tonight.

JoJo wastes no time handing out the roses.  They go to Luke, James, Alex (Barf), Not the Real James Taylor, and finally, Wells, which means Grant, Evan, and Vinny are all going home without roses…and shirts.  

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Bachelorette: The Wilds of Pennsylvania Edition.

We are wasting no time tonight; after a short recap, ABC goes right into Chad walking in the house to either be civil with the guys or cut off their torsos and throw them into the pool.  Sadly, we aren’t that lucky, and Chad converses with the other dudes.  He’s all, “I hope we can be cool from here on out.”  Evan is astounded.  He’s all, “Chad, you owe me a shirt and an apology!”  Chad’s like, “Here’s twenty bucks.”  Evan is outraged.  The shirt he was wearing clearly cost $49.99 at American Eagle.  All of the guys are sitting around topless, which I find a tad disconcerting.  Is that what bros do when they’re together?  I don’t know. 
Anyway, then JoJo arrives to get this party started!!!  She strips down into her bikini and starts taking some shots with the guys.  Errrrrbody in the club gettin’ tipsy!!  Errrrbody.  I found the whole pool scene wasn’t what I expected.  The guys started playing a round of chicken fight, yet JoJo was nowhere in sight.  It kind of reminded me of one of my favorite SNL skits, Schmitts Gay.  I miss you, Chris Farley.  Then they try to do a synchronized dive, but Evan comes up bleeding.  Immediately, everyone blames Chad, who is 100 feet away eating string cheese and deli meats or some shit. 
Jordan and JoJo sneak away for a little somethin’.  They dry hump and kiss for a bit.  OMG, Jordan is trying sooooo hard.  I really don’t like the guy.  His teeth are too white and he has Gaston-from-Beauty-and-The-Beast hair.  It’s just tooo perf and pretty.  JoJo wonders aloud if their relationship is too good to be true.  He silences her by licking her tongue with his. 
Then JoJo makes out with some other guy I don’t know.  Meanwhile, Chad is off by himself, eating by the pool while a flamingo floaty sails by.  All I can say, people, is we haven’t seen the last of this flamingo, and please don’t get attached to it.  Also, I wonder if PETA is going to step in after this episode.  Chad decides to go talk to JoJo, but he’s almost immediately interrupted by annoying Evan.  Chad storms off and then decides to float in the pool on a swan.  The flamingo is nowhere in sight…yet…
Some guy I don’t know tells JoJo that because of Chad, he’s moved rooms and a security guard is always around.  JoJo is horrified!  Chad overhears the guy, whose name is apparently Derek, telling JoJo everything.  Chad is pissed!  He goes off to whittle some wood and then kicks the poor floating flamingo in the head.  It seems to bounce back, but I’m not sure it can survive such a devastating blow.  I think this was really unfair of Chad.  That flamingo did NOTHING to him.  Chad catches his breath and then confronts Derek.  Derek tells Chad, “Perception is reality, dude.”  OMG, these guys are soooo deep.  I would also like to take a minute to discuss Derek’s necklace.  It seems to be made of acorns and berries.  I wonder if perhaps Chad will try to steal a berry from him.  The talk doesn’t end well.  The show goes to commercial, but not before a shot of all of those poor, innocent pool floaties having been turned upside down in the pool.  It’s a bloodbath and it’s devastating. 
After a lame speech by JoJo, the rose ceremony begins.  Grant and Derek get roses.  Jordan comments that people are gonna be pissed if Chad gets a rose.  He says he doesn’t see this happening, though, because evidently he’s never watched this show and has now idea the ish that’s involved.  Of course Chad is going to get a rose, you moron.  Jordan and Luke are given roses.  James F. says if Chad gets a rose and he doesn’t, it’ll be “horrible and really sad.”  Thankfully, we are spared the horror and sadness when he gets a rose.  Robby and Wells get their roses next, and then Vinny comes down to accept his.  Damn Daniel get s a rose, too, which solidifies the fact that Chad is staying because Daniel is his only friend in the house.  Alex comments that he will be confused if Chad gets a rose, but that’s Alex’s usual state, so I’m not sure what he is trying to say here.  Finally, the final rose.  Guess who gets it?  Yep, Chad.  Poor Ali and two other guys whose names I don’t know are going home.  Evan calls the whole thing a “kick in the ass.”  Oh, no wonder I didn’t recognize one of the booted guys: it was Saint Nick!!  Without his costume!! 
After saying goodbye to the losers, Jojo tells the remaining guys to pack their bags because they’re leaving the mansion!  After a commercial break, we find out their first stop is Pennsylvania.  Luke gets the first one-on-one date, so JoJo takes him on a date where they’re dragged around the woods with sled dogs.  I didn’t know they did that sort of thing in Pennsylvania.  Then JoJo asks him to chop some wood for their wood-heated hot tub thing.  Luke is SUCH a smart guy.  He had the forethought to pack his swim trunks, and JoJo strips down into her bikini.  As she gets in, she realizes the tub is way too hot.  The happy couple laughs it off, all the way to the commercial break. 
When they get back, Luke is clutching JoJo, trying to gently place her in the tub.  Luke scares me.  I know Chad is supposed to be the scary one, but Luke looks like a psycho.  He’s just a tad too intense for me.  Again, JoJo wonders if this relationship could be too good to be true.  That doesn’t stop her, though, from hand-feeding him strawberries and letting him feel her up a few times.  They have a romantic dinner, and JoJo asks how he got such a confident demeanor.  Luke tells her about his time in the military, which was very moving and actually made me cry.  Now I feel like a jerk for calling him a psychopath.  I’m sorry, Luke.  I take it back.  They make out instead of eating dinner and then JoJo gives him the rose.  How could she not after that speech?  Then JoJo takes Luke to some sort of theater where they kiss on stage in front of a million people.  Everyone is cheering and taking selfies.  Then a band called Dan + Shay sing a song while they make out and dance in front of everyone.  People are literally taking pictures of this shit, like zooming in to get a good shot of these two strangers kissing like they’ve been together forevs. 
Back at the house, Jordan and Alex talk about the possibility of a two-on-one date.  Alex says he’s “not about that life.”  He said the only thing that’s worse than a two-on-one date is if he’s on a two-on-one date with Chad, which basically means there’s going to be a two-on-one date with Chad.  When it’s discovered that there will be a two-on-one with these two, Jordan says this is about America because Alex is an American hero.  Methinks this American hero is going home, yo. 
And then the entire show pisses me off by having a group date that’s hosted by Ben Roethlisberger, who was accused of sexual assault a few years back.  While he was never convicted of any crime, I think he’s a real piece of shit and I hate him.  Anyway, the guys all throw a football around with Ben and two other NFL players.  Jordan shows off since he’s a former NFL quarterback.  The whole thing is lame.  Not the Real James Taylor ends up bleeding from the eye, and then the medic decides he needs stitches.  NTRJT doesn’t want to leave, though, so he just stands around with a ridiculous wrap around his head.  Poor NTRJT.  OMG, now they’re playing a really dumb football game.  Jordan and his hair come bouncing out of the locker room.  Evan is wearing his Michael Jackson gloves.  The blue team wins so they get to go on a date with JoJo. 
Robby and JoJo make out on the pool table.  JoJo likes that.  A LOT.  She thinks there’s something in him that will blow her away.  Um, yeah, did you skip that section of middle school health class, girlfriend?  JoJo then proceeds to make out with every single guy on that date.  Get it, girl.  It’s Jordan, though, that secures the rose tonight, but only after he confesses he’s falling for her.
Back at the house, the guys and Chad are fighting again.  Chad tells Grant to step outside with him; Grant’s all, “Let’s go,” but he doesn’t move.  He just takes another sip of his drink.  Chad finally gets up and moves out by the kitchen door, presumably waiting for someone to take him up on his offer to go outside.  The next day, Chad once again overhears the other guys talking about him.  Jordan says something snide and Chad basically tells Jordan that he will come to his house and beat him out when all is said and done.  The two guys head out and are whisked away on a helicopter.  Wells said this date is Good versus Evil.  Meanwhile, JoJo is taking a hike in the woods by herself.  She’s contemplating how hard this date is going to be. 
Alex is the first to get JoJo alone.  He proceeds to tell her everything bad about Chad, and JoJo feels like it was eye-opening.  JoJo confronts Chad; he doesn’t deny anything that was said, but he doesn’t help the situation any.  I think JoJo might actually be sending Chad home after this.  She seems really pissed and disappointed.  I wish she would send both of them home, actually.  Chad takes a swig of his drink and then throws the cup in the water.  This is where I draw the line, Chad.  You beat the shit out of innocent floaties and now you litter?  You are the weakest link, goodbye. 

Oh, sweet Jesus.  JoJo is crying alone in the woods.  While she’s preoccupied, Chad goes back to where Alex is sitting and lies on a rock, telling Alex he’s not very happy with him.  Alex looks terrified, honestly.  Chad tells Alex to have a glass of milk, but Alex says he hates milk.  Then Chad delivers the best line of the line, “You should drink milk.  Milk’s delicious.”  JoJo, unfortunately, comes back and interrupts the National Dairy Association’s commercial to talk to the guys.  JoJo asks Chad if he’s ever threatened anyone in the house.  He and Alex start bickering again, and JoJo breaks it up by giving Alex the rose.  She tells Chad he’s basically a P.O.S. and wants to say goodbye to him immediately.  She and Alex walk off holding hands and skipping.  Back at the house, the guys go nuts when Chad’s luggage goes away.  Chad goes off on a tirade while JoJo and Alex make out and giggle.  The guys do shots of Fireball and celebrate.  The scene then skips to Alex and JoJo celebrating in some cabin while Chad is walking around the woods in the dark whilst whistling.  And then, just like a scene out of a Mary Higgins Clark novel, there’s Chad, knocking on the door of the bachelor pad.  The guys all come out, scared as all hell while Chad runs his fingers down the glass door.  Sadly, we have to wait two weeks to find out how many torsos are thrown into the pool.  

Monday, June 6, 2016

The Bachelorette: 'Roid Rage Edition.

OMG, you guys, Chad left his meat all over the house!!!  The other guys are absolutely disgusted.  Thankfully, Chris. B. Harrison wastes no time getting this week’s episode started and the guys’ minds off of Chad’s meat.  He brings the first one-on-one date card.  Chad feels confident, but the one-on-one date goes to Chase.  JoJo writes, “Chase, let’s get physical.  Love, JoJo.”  Everyone pops a nut, but c’mon, they must know the bachelor/ettes don’t  put out until there’s  an ocean in which to skinny dip or a fantasy date in which to get freaky.

Next up is JoJo’s interview about her one-on-one with Chad.  She admits she’s already developing feelings for some of the guys.  Next, she and Chase decide to do intimate yoga together.  The instructor, who must be either a total asshole or paid to ask them, wonders aloud how long the two have been intimate together.  JoJo and Chase are all, “Uh, um, uh…”  Then they start vibrating, moaning, and having an “angergasm.”  Totes lame, ABC.   JoJo says, “There’s like an attraction there, fur shure.”  Then JoJo mounts Chase. I was hoping they’d do a little dry-hump action, but instead they just gazed into each other’s eyes.  Then they start making out, even though there’s another couple right next to them.  Chase’s hands start wandering, and when the camera pans out, the other couple is gone.  I keep waiting for Marvin Gaye to play, but alas, ABC cuts to a commercial, probably because they can’t show a boner on primetime yet.  That’ll probably be okay by the year 2020, though. 

After dry humping in couples’ yoga, JoJo and Chase head out to some vineyard that is completely empty, save for them.  This is sooooo what real life will be like for the happy couple.  JoJo tells Chase that when they were yim-yamming, it felt really good and like she was connected to him.  Um, JoJo, you were.  That’s what sex is, girlfriend.  JoJo said she felt protected and that’s “really important” to her.  How did she feel protected?  Was there a burglary happening in the yoga room next door?  They were the only two people in the room at a yoga studio.  Those damn Hindus and Buddhists.  They are fricking so violent.   JoJo gives Chase a rose and surprises him with another C-list singer I’ve never even heard of.  The couple starts making out and slow dancing.  It was an amazing moment.  This date ALWAYS happens on the third episode.  Chase says JoJo makes “this” feel good, making a heart on his chest.  I’m pretty sure he should have gestured further south, but whatevs.  This is a family show, after all.  Jojo says she can feel it’s the start of something amazing.  Of course she can.

Back at the house, another date envelope arrives.  Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, the dude reading, and then a bunch of other guys’ names are announced.  Evan looks like he’s about to burst into tears because his name is called on the group date.  Chad says he “honestly doesn’t want to go.”  The guys are shocked.  Jordan asks Chad if he really thinks JoJo wants to spend a whole day with him.  They all start criticizing him for not wanting to go on a date with twelve other guys.  Um, dude, I wouldn’t want to go on this date, either.  I don’t blame the dude at all.  Grant’s all, “I can’t even…”  Jordan then criticizes Chad’s spelling abilities, which makes me like the guys even more.  Obviously, they’re playing scrabble and hosting spelling bees in their spare time.  Then Chad counters by telling Jordan he’s a failed football player, and he tells the Marine guy to get another tattoo so he can feel like more of a badass.  I’ve gotta say that I’m totes Team Chad.  I think he’s a douche, which always makes for good tv, but he also has some awesome comebacks. 

Alex says he’s excited to go out on a date with ten guys, one douchebag, and a hot girl. Chad and Damn Daniel are off in the corner by themselves in the limo while the other guys look on with disdain.  Alex concocts a plan to make Chad look like a fool in front of Jo.  When they meet up with her, she tells them they are going to see a show.  They cut to the show, which shows a girl orgasming whilst standing in front of her mike. She then tells the crowd of her sexual exploits.  It is then revealed that the guys will be participating in this, telling the audience about their sex stories.  JoJo says she’s a physical person, which I guess means she likes to bang a lot.  She wants the guys to be able to be open to this ish.  Evan’s like, “Dude, I talk about sex CONSTANTLY with the guys in my office who come in to tell me they can’t get it up.”  Jordan’s all atwitter because he doesn’t even tell his close friends his sex stories.  What a bunch of freaking prudes.  I really need these guys to be fed more alcohol.  Chad says, “All of the other guys are excited about this because they can let JoJo know that they’ve had sex with a girl before.”  LOL.  ILY, Chad. 

Grant is the first to tell his sex story.  His story is so freaking lame.  Basically, what I gathered from this show is that all of these guys lost their virginity when they were sixteen years old.  Evan gets up there and talks about erectile dysfunction and steroid use.  Instead of telling his sex story, he basically says that Evan is a steroid user.  I think we all know that Evan is about to be bitchslapped by Chad.  JoJo notices a “weird altercation” between Chad and Evan.  Chad pulled Evan’s shirt and ripped it a little.  Chad calls up JoJo and tries to kiss her on stage.  When she pulls away, Alex stands up and yells, “Crash and burn, brother!” 
Shit gets really backstage.  Everyone strokes Evan’s…ego…while Chad punches doors and threatens Evan’s life.  Evan is shocked that Chad is pissed; he looks scared for his life.  Jordan calls it ‘roid rage.  I have to say that I love it when someone accuses me of steroid abuse.  I really identify when he says, “I’m going to kill someone if I can’t lift weights.”  Oh my God, me too!! 
JoJo compliments the guys are doing “so good.”  JoJo, please go back to fifth grade English for a sec, ok?  Maybe get in on the guys’ Scrabble contests/spelling bees.  Thanks. 
Jordan takes JoJo aside first to talk about the serious girlfriend he had a few years ago.  He says “like” about fifty billion times.  At least he can spell, I guess.  JoJo rewards him with a make-out sesh.  Jordan does not look cute whilst kissing. 

Alex is up next, telling JoJo he’s here and, you know, ride or die.  God, he’s sooooo deep.
Then there’s a montage of JoJo with all of the other dudes until Chad shows up.  JoJo is pissed because she had just sat down with some other guy.  The guys and Chad discuss what happened earlier.  Evan asks Chad why he’s here.  Evan can’t believe Chad didn’t apologize.  Chad tells him to leave him alone.  Apparently, Evan tries to work out and cook at the same time that Chad is doing those things.  Evan sits with his mouth open for about twenty minutes.  Grant, in his 1950s out-of-place leather jacket gets up to leave and everyone follows.  Finally, Chad gets some alone time with his girl.  He tells JoJo that Evan is “bullying the bully.”  Dude, you just called yourself the bully. Do you even realize this? Evan breaks up the party so that he can confront JoJo about Chad.  He starts out by telling her he hasn’t been as strong as he should be.  He tells her that it’s either him or Chad.  ABC and JoJo are all, “Bye, Felicia.” 

JoJo comes back to grab the rose from the table, but before she delivers it, she asks Evan to step outside with her.  Alex rejoices, thinking Evan is getting the rose and Chad is going home.  Oh, Alex, you fool.  JoJo does give Evan the rose, but she’s not sure he’ll accept.  Evan basically takes everything back that he said, and then he kisses her.  Evan can’t wait to tell his kids that he made out with JoJo.  All hell breaks loose when the cute couple comes back in.  Chad turns into David After Dentist and is all, “Is this real life?”  JoJo gets PISSED.  Oof, maybe he is going home.  He comments to the camera, “No girl chooses Evan for ANYTHING!!!”  That’s really unfair, Chad.  They choose him to council their husbands with their erectile dysfunctions. 
Back at the house, Luke depresses the hell out of all of us with his depressing voice.  He threatens to cry in the corner if he doesn’t get a one-on-one date with Luke.  Grab the Kleenex, L, cause Not THAT James Taylor wins the date.  I really hope their date in on tomorrow’s ep because this one is boring me and I have pizza to eat downstairs.  Now that I’m basically in my mid-thirties, I have to get my priorities straight. 

Ok, back from eating pizza.  Not the Real James Taylor and JoJo learn how to swing dance on their date.  Their 92-year-old instructor tells them that she married her dance partner.  JoJo says, “She danced her way through life.”  Sooooo clever, Jo.  NTRJT is a horrible dancer; thankfully, ABC puts us out of our misery by cutting back to the house.  Chad and Daniel are contemplating life’s major issues while some security dude looks on.  He then awkwardly walks through the shot and apologizes to the guys.  WTH?

JoJo decides that she’s totes ready to take it to the next level with NTRJT.  She’s sick of being in the friend zone!!  They drive out to a make-out spot to sit and “talk.”  They discuss what they were like when they were younger, and then they make out, but not before she gives him the rose and he sings to her.  Guess what?  I just wrote that BEFORE it actually happened.  That’s how predictable this show is.  JoJo says, “He has touched my heart in more ways than one.”  I wonder what else he’s touched?

Back at the house, all the guys stand around and watch Chad work out.  Chris B. comes in to tell the guys that there will be no cocktail party tonight.  Nick B., who has never been filmed, says he’s soooo disappointed because he was counting on that time to see her again.  Dude, this basically solidifies the fact that you’re going home.  HOWEVER, Chris B. Harrison throws a wrench in the plans by telling everyone that JoJo wants to spend the entire day with them by the pool.  Everyone cheers and salivates over seeing JoJo in a bikini.  Evan is perplexed and asks to speak to Chris outside.  He tells him about Chad grabbing and ripping his shirt, punching the door…he’s a dark storm cloud, Chris.  While this is going on, Chad is shown pumping iron.  Evan says he needs to go home…he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he doesn’t go home.  Chris decides to talk to Chad one-on-one.  Evan is touted as a great American hero.  Chad tells Chris that the guys are out to get home, that he hasn’t started anything.  Evan begins to pray.  Like, he’s literally praying in the house.  Instead of sending him home, Chris gives Chad a chance to settle the situation with the other guys.  OMG, Chris is the next Dr. Phil.  Way to problem solve, Chris B. Harrison!  As Chad walks into the house, a voiceover plays: “I’m going to cut everyone’s legs off….everyone’s torsos off…and throw them into the pool.”  And with that, ladies and gentlemen, we are to be continued until tomorrow night.  Suuuuuch a cliffhangerrrrrr.

Monday, May 30, 2016

The Bachelorette: JoJo's Journey.

After a fifteen-minute look into the rest of this season, episode number two finally begins. 

JoJo wakes up the morning after her first night as the Bachelorette.  She re-caps what happened to her last season, but she is “ready and hopeful” to find the love that Ben and Lauren found together.  We then go back to the mansion where the guys are lined up on the balcony and shout “JoJo” simultaneously.  Maybe ABC isn’t doing so hot and can’t afford an alarm clock for JoJo?  I don’t know. 

Chris B. Harrison walks in and welcomes the guys to “their house.”  Um, they’ve been here all night, dude.  Then he explains how this game works, but honestly, it’s like the first chapter in every single Babysitter’s Club book: exactly the same.  So if you’re a veteran, you don’t need to hear it again.  Skip this chapter. 

Erectile Dysfunction Man reads his name and 7,893 others, which means they’re all going on a group date with Jo.  Suddenly, an explosion is heard!  OMG!  A limo is on fire!  In comes a fire truck and who gets out?  The Jomeister.  Obvi.  We are then subjected to watching JoJo put out the fire whilst half-clad in firefighter clothes.  What the hell was the point of that?  They’re going to a fire academy for a really hot and steamy first date, of course!

After Jo and her boys leave, Chad decides it’s time to work out, so he does what everyone does: he does pull-ups while dangling his suitcase from a weight belt that is tied around his waist.  I shit you not.

The group date begins and the lead instructor tells the guys that JoJo needs to see who can protect her when an emergency breaks out.  Um, I can tell you who can take care of JoJo when an emergency breaks out: JoJo.  She cracks, “Hands down the hottest date I’ve ever been on.”  Oh, you sassy and punny JoJo!”

This is the most boring group date ever.  I love firefighters, but there’s a reason I’m not one.  Poor Wells must feel the same because the dude almost passes out.  The guys then have a contest to see who can go through this scary obstacle course and get to JoJo, who is standing atop a tower, waiting to be rescued.  I just threw up a little in my mouth as I typed that.  Grant, who is actually a firefighter in real life, won the contest.  I mean, he’d better, right?  By the time the other guy, Luke, made it, JoJo was nowhere to be seen.  It was actually really pathetic and sad.  Robby said it really hurt to watch a guy who wasn’t him rescue the girl of his dreams. 

Back at the house, the boyz are sitting around the pool singing a song about JoJo.  Chad tells the cameras that all of the guys are already obsessed with JoJo; then he calls them out on it.  Honestly, I have to agree with Chad.  He calls the other guys really “worn-out lookin’ high school kids.”  Amen.

  That night, the losers (hehe) sit around and watch Grant get some alone time with JoJo.  It’s basically all about Luke right now.  He’s so pissed and shocked that he lost a firefighting event to a firefighter.  He’s being a really whiny baby right now.  Meanwhile, Grant and JoJo make out for a bit.  I run to the kitchen for some more wine. 

The guys not on tonight’s date find out that Derek is going on the first one-on-one date.  Derek seems sweet and shy, but only time will tell. 

Back on the group date, JoJo grabs Wells to talk about almost dying at a non-dangerous event.  JoJo calls him soooooo amazing.  She’s so impressed.  He was so good.  Sosososososososososososososo…..
Sweet Jesus, then Wells whips out pictures of every moment of his life, but thankfully, the camera cuts to all of the other one-on-one time she gets with the other guys.  Erectile Dysfunction Man says he’s got a kid.  She says that’s so amazing or something like that. 

After complaining all night, Luke finally gets to be alone with JoJo.  His voice is really annoying.  I don’t like him.  They make out.  I hyperventilate because he has her up against a fairly low wall and they’re in a really tall building.  Luke says he really wants that rose.  Sadly, Wells got the rose.  Luke in his weird voice describes how hurt he is.  He then stares like a psychopath at Wells and JoJo. 

Now there’s a commercial break and they’re showing the preview for Me Before You.  I’m crying through it.  That book should be banned, and I really should’ve gone to therapy after I finished it.  

After the break, we see Derek getting ready for his date by packing up his suitcase in the event that she kicks him to the curb.  JoJo shows up in a 50s convertible.  She tells Derek that they have some options for today’s date.  She’s trying to learn about him through the choices he makes, and the first one she gives him is “Sea or sky?”  They both choose sky.  When they get to the first destination, there are two planes, one going north and one going south.  They choose north.  They are kind of holding hands on the plane, but really they’re just kind of rubbing each other’s hands and playing thumb wars.  Tres romantic.  Once they land in San Francisco, they choose to go to the Golden Gate Bridge for a picnic.  They then decide to make out.  Surprise, surprise.  I think I see Alcatraz in the background. 

Back at the house, the guys are still singing.  Daniel and Chad choose to opt out and have a heart-to-heart.  Chad tells Daniel that he always tells girls to stay away from nice guys because they’re not actually nice, but HE IS actually nice.  So, wait.  Is he nice?  Or is he not nice?  Before we can find out, the next group date card arrives.  JoJo writes, “Prove your love to me…and the nation.”  Lame.  Three of the guys realize they’re not getting a date this week.  Chad’s all, “You’ve lived your whole lives without her, chillax.”  He actually didn’t say chillax, but the wine is kicking and I can’t remember. 

JoJo’s dress on her evening date with Grant is awesome and very sparkly; it was without a doubt my most favorite part of their date.  I could actually see Derek going far this season.  He’s got a very sweet and innocent smile; he seems genuine and would be a good choice on JoJo’s journey.  Derek admits that a woman he once loved cheated on him and it caused him to be cautious in relationships.  Their night ends with a make-out session, of course, and Derek is miraculously cured.

The next group date is really stupid.  They play this game on a fake, miniature football field.  The guys do dumb tricks and then fake propose to JoJo.  During Chad’s turn, he doesn’t say anything romantic and when she complains, he calls Jojo “naggy.”  During the press conference section, James Taylor, of course, sings.  Effing stop it already, James Taylor.  When the guys are questioned about who performed worst today, everyone chooses Chad.  JoJo wonders if there’s something to be worried about with Chad.  He explains himself and says he’s ready for a relationship, and while he doesn’t know her well, he knows she’s beautiful and he wants to get to know her.  He thinks everyone is there for the wrong reason because he thinks it’s weird that they can be in love with her already.  I’m siding with Chad on this one.  I mean, this is what makes this show so ridiculous.  The “hosts” of the dates go back to deliberate on where each guy stands.  Marine Alex ranked third; Chad came in second!!!!  WTF??!!  They liked his genuine responses.  This whole show is rigged, I swear.  Their number one choice was James, which means we’re going to have to listen to his freaking singing for at least another week. 

These first two episodes have been a real snooze fest.  I know it takes a few episodes to get really good, but this is almost unbearable. 

JoJo and the boys go to the Houdini Estate for some talks and drinks.  She gives a dumb toast and they all act like they love each other.  JoJo says she’s going to pay attention to James tonight because she can see why he’d be a good life partner.  James tells her he has a good heart and he has something to read to her.  JoJo pretends to wipe her tears away as he reads about how much he looks forward to see her, how he knows he’s not the best looking guy, but he is still awesome.  They kiss and make that really gross sucking noise I hate so much. 

Chad provides commentary for the rest of the date, giving his opinions on each of the guys.  Basically, he thinks they’re all a bunch of inexperienced, fake short guys.  JoJo needs someone who is real and really tall.  He reveals to JoJo that his last relationship was four years ago because he has been working.  He also reveals that his mom died six months ago, which makes me feel bad.  Jojo says it breaks her heart, but honestly, it never really seems like she’s truly listening to any of these guys.  I just don’t know how I feel about her.  After they make a wish in some wishing well, they make out for a bit.  Chad admits to the camera that he feels giddy and is developing feelings for her.  While he’s locking lips with Jo, the guys agree that if Chad gets the rose tonight, it will ruin their whole lives.  JoJo gives the date rose to James because his conversation really touched her heart tonight.  James says he doesn’t deserve how today has gone.  Chad can’t believe he didn’t get the rose. 
The guys all hang out before the rose ceremony.  They agree it’s not going to be anything they expect tonight.  They wonder where Chad is.  The camera changes to see JoJo stepping out of her limo.  Chad is waiting for her with two drinks in his hand.  He kisses her before they go in together.  The guys are pissed and shocked when JoJo walks in with him.  Vinny can’t believe this is happening.  I can’t believe I’ve never seen Vinny until just now.  Jordan doesn’t know what’s going to happen tonight.  I don’t know why I’m still watching this show.

Chad then proceeds to eat what looks like some sort of shish kabob.  He offers his “meat on a stick” to the other guys, but they decline.  I don’t know why.  Marine Alex is grilling him and his meat stick about what he and JoJo were doing before they walked in together.  Chad and his BFF Damn Daniel laugh about the dirty looks he’s getting. 

Aw, this is cute.  Chase didn’t get a date with JoJo this week, so he wanted to bring a piece of Colorado to her; he made it snow for her!  I wonder which producer thought of that clever idea?  Whomever it was, kudos to them!  It also earns Chase the chance to let JoJo sit on his lap.  Niiiice.

Chad, meanwhile, keeps eating random selections of meats.  I will say that the ham looks absolutely delicious.  The roast beef looked a tad rare, though.  I hope he doesn’t get sick.  Grant said Chad has taken the word “meathead” to a whole new level.  Chad continues to ponder his role in the house whilst eating various pork products.  I cannot believe there are still twenty minutes left to this episode. 

When Chad tries to get JoJo away from Alex, Marine Alex says it’s like a scene from a horror film.  Not sure I get the connection there, but whatevs.  After Chad is done speaking to JoJo, they walk by the other guys and he winks at them.  Everyone is ready to rage against him.  Chad goes back to eating.  This is getting old already. 

I now like Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Guy, so I will now only refer to him as Evan.  I have a feeling he’ll be gone after tonight anyway.  Chad interrupts his convo with JoJo.  Evan is understandably upset, so Alex decides to take matters into his own hands.  He walks out to confront him.  Chad is still eating a meat stick.  Alex tells him to go drink a beer and do what he has to do.  Chad gets in Alex’s face and things start to get good.  Alex tells him he isn’t scared of him, but Chad says he should be. 

As the guys are standing there, waiting for the ceremony to begin, Chad is still munching on some meat and smirking like the devil that he is.  When JoJo gives Alex a rose, Chad claims it’s because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short people.  She gives Christian the next rose; Chad says he doesn’t even know who Christian is.  The third rose recipient is Robbie, and the fourth goes to Luke.  Wow, Luke got no camera time after the group date.  I totes forgot about him.  Thanks to his snow trick, Chase gets a rose.  Jordan also gets a rose, obviously, and so does Grant.  JoJo gives my boy Ali a rose, and I realize for the first time that I don’t remember seeing him at all in tonight’s episode.  Some guy named Daniel got a rose.  I don’t know who he is.  Then James F. and Nick get roses.  Who are they?  Are they new?  Vinny, whose name I thought was Manny during the first episode, got a rose, and YAY!!!!  SO DOES EVAN!!!  I’m happy for him!  Chris B. comes in to state the obvious, the next rose is the final one of the night.  Jojo, of course, chooses Chad.  Big surprise.  I hope he brought breath mints.  The poor girl was probably dying when she was pinning on his rose.

One of the James’ got voted off the island, which I’m happy about because now maybe I’ll figure out who James is.  Chad says there’s going to write so many more songs and write poems.  He’s going to have some protein shakes, work out, and keep eating the food.  Good plan, my man.  Good plan!

We have TWO episodes next week for our viewing pleasure.  It looks like another Chad Fest.  More guys step up to fight Chad.  There is blood and a few death threats, so it should be a pretty good week.

New Bachelorette, New Blog Post.

Hello, readers.  We meet again, and once more, it’s over bad reality television.  Since I’m back in the States, and since this season coincides with the end of the school year, I thought it’d be fun to party like it’s 2010 and relive the good ole days of Bachelor/ette blogging.  I’ve missed it, but please be patient while I try to get my snark back. 

So, JoJo.  The Jomeister is obviously very beautiful, and I sincerely hope this group of guys will bring on the cray.  I also hope JoJo will stop speaking in monotone, but alas, I’m not sure I’m that lucky.

Before the men show up, JoJo meets with her four closest BFFs, the former Bachelorettes.  Basically, the last Bachelorette, whose season I didn’t watch because I couldn’t stand her and don’t even know her name, hogged most of the sesh.  I swear to God, the entire thing was like a freaking tampon commercial.  All that was missing were the horses for the horseback-riding segment. 

Finally, we see JoJo prepare for her big debut.  She cannot believe that this is the night where she might finally meet the one she’s supposed to spend the rest of her life with, or at least the one with whom she will spend a raunchy night in the fantasy suite (fingers crossed).  JoJo is wearing a flesh-colored dress with sequins.  She has a rockin’ bod, but she has a butt shadow in the dress.  Like, you can clearly make out her butt crack in it, which is just kind of disturbing to me, and she’s obvi going commando. If the dress were not flesh-colored, I’m not sure this would’ve bothered me as much as it clearly does.  Perhaps I’m just jealous that I couldn’t pull off the skin-tight sequined flesh dress.

And then we get to meet the men of this season:

Grant is a firefighter.  Grant is hot.  Grant says he’s happy with his career, but his next step is to find somebody to spend the rest of his life with.  Grant seems boring.

Jordan, 27, loves sports.  Jordan is the little bro of Aaron Rogers, famous NFL quarterback.  Jordan obviously has an inferiority complex, and he thinks football ruined a serious relationship he was in; apparently, the woman he was in love with didn’t love him anymore.  Jordan is very thin; I’m willing to bet I weigh more than he does.  I think he’s passed along his inferiority complex to me.  Thanks a lot, Jordan.

Alex, a Californian, is only 25.  Alex had a crap life until he enlisted in the Marine Corp.  Semper Fi, Alex, you are hot and a hero. 

OMG, James is a Bachelor Superfan and likes to do push-ups on rocks.  I feel like James and I would be BFFs because he likes to make a Bachelor bracket, a la March Madness, while he watched the seasons.  I feel like this is something I could really get behind.  Perhaps I will start this up next season. 

Evan is 33 and from Nashville. He is a pastor-turned-erectile dysfunction specialist.  He says what he does is “pump up his guys and get them excited.”  I’m sure he does.

Ali, an Iranian-American, has successful siblings, but he likes to do his own thing.  He left home and became a bartender.  He also likes to skateboard with his Bichon Frise, which is probably what most boarders do.

Christian is a workout fiend.  Clearly, Christian would loathe and despise me.  Good thing I’m not the Bachelorette!  Christian likes to laugh and eat healthy food with his friends.  He likes to toast to love and the new journey he’s on.

Luke is a country boy from Texas. He is also a war veteran.  He went to West Point, so not only is Luke sexy, but he’s also smart.  In his spare time, Luke likes to lean against his barn and give his best James Dean impression.  

We will meet the rest of the guys as Jojo does. She steps out of the limo; Chris B. Harrison says, “You’re the Bachelorette!”  JoJo responds, “I know!”  Well, I’m glad they clarified that early on; I was sooooo confused.  Then Chris says it one more time, just in case JoJo can’t comprehend. 

Jordan is the first out of the limo.  He tells JoJo she looks amazing, then he tells her that this is a crazy journey, but since his parents met and got married super quickly, it can happen.  She’s all, “You look so good.  Thanks for coming.”  I think I fell asleep for a few minutes.

Derek comes out next.  Derek is super nervous, I can tell.  Derek said he was impressed with Jo Jo’s sexy “sense of self.”  I’m sure he’s not actually impressed with her sexy butt shadow in the sequined flesh dress.

Then comes firefighter hotness Grant.  Grant says he’s not going to do what Ben did last season: He’s not going to fall in love with two girls; he’s just gonna fall in love with JoJo.  I guess that means he got rid of his Okcupid account.

Guy Whose Name I missed is next.  He was really boring and I can tell she wasn’t impressed.

Robbie, a swimmer, gives JoJo a bottle of wine.  They drink from the bottle.  Keep it classy, Bachelorette. 

Hottie Marine Alex is next, but there’s nothing special about his first interaction with Jo.

Will is up next.  He drops a bunch of index cards as he walks toward the Joster. Will is laaaaaaame and JoJo knows it.  Sorry, Will.

Chad, a luxury real estate agent, says “Hey” twenty-five times.  I guess he didn’t get the memo that hot guys need to work on their personalities, too.

Daniel is a Canadian.  Is that his occupation, too?

Poor Ali is a hot mess, but he’s adorable.  He tells her, “I’m sure you’re amazing, but you are so much more than that.”  I’m not really sure about this sentence, Ali.   

James Taylor, singer-songwriter and NOT the actual James Taylor, comes out singing an original song he wrote for JoJo.  Yawn.

An Asian man in a kilt is next.  His name is Jonathan, and he is also Canadian.  He tells her that he’s half Chinese and half Scottish, but luckily for him, he’s half-Scottish below the waist.  Clearly, he must work with phones because Jonathan is a smooth operator.

Luckily for them, Santa is next!  Apparently, Santa is only 33 years old.  I’m officially older than Santa.  Eff you, ABC.  But seriously, we have hit a new low if the contestants are now dressing up as Santa Claus.  I think this show has seen better days. Maybe the Tooth Fairy will show up next season.  One can only hope!

Chase shows up in a fake mustache, and of course he says, “I mustache you a question.”  Chase, shut up.

Then ABC introduces a ton of guys at once, and I’m sorry to say, I couldn’t keep up.  One guy presented JoJo with a set of blue balls and gave her permission to squeeze them when she’s feeling stressed.  He’s totally going to win with that opening sequence.

One guy comments that this is “way too many dudes.”  Um, do you not know how this works, jackhole? 

On a side note, I ordered green curry with chicken from GrubHub and it should have been here by now.  Where the hell is my green curry, yo?!

Wells showed up.  He claims he’s 31, but I think Wells is 12.  Wells brings the group All-4-One to sing their one hit “I Swear” to Jo Jo.  Jo Jo claims she loves the song and then proceeds to lip-sync the wrong words.

Christian shows up on a motorcycle.  JoJo says, “I wish I knew how to ride that.”  Not sure if she’s talking about the motorcycle, though.  Stay tuned. 

Luke rides in on a horse with a horn sticking out of its head.  Jo Jo’s like, “IT’S A UNICORN!!”  I can’t tell if she knows it’s not really a unicorn.  Luke reveals the “unicorn’s” name is Coconut; the camera cuts to Coconut’s face, and that horse looks totally pissed that it has such a stupid name.

Next, Chris comes out and asks JoJo if “the one” is in the house.  JoJo admits a few of the guys really got her going or some shit, then Chris watches JoJo and her butt shadow walk away. 

The guys give her a standing O as she walks in.  Hopefully it’s not the only O of the season.

JoJo reads the speech that was written for her on the teleprompter.  I’m pretty sure it was a recycled speech from Trista’s season.

Marine Alex is the first to snatch JoJo away.  Apparently, Alex is super short, so he tries to compensate for that by doing pushups while JoJo sits on his back.  The other guys are not impressed.

Derek is next for some alone time.  He admits to JoJo that he’s a nerd who used to look like Harry Potter.  Too bad he’s not nearly as cute as Harry.

JoJo complains to the camera that the guys are sooooo tense.  She’s scared because she doesn’t feel an instant connection with any of them…Nice use of foreshadowing, ABC…until Jordan takes her for a whirl.  I’m calling it now: Jordan is a frontrunner.   

Oh God, Will had one of those flippy-fortune thingies that we used to make in middle school, and he made JoJo play it.  She chose number one, and the fortune was, “You’re about to get kissed.”  Jo did NOT want to kiss him, but she did.  The kiss was reminiscent of the time I (platonically) kissed my English teacher/drama director after the last performance of my high school career. It was awkward and weird and in front of a ton of people.  GAH.

Then she makes out with Jordan and everything gets better.  Apparently she also gets a little butt action because she keeps saying, “His butt…his butt…” 

Where the hell is my Thai food?

Then Chris brings out the First Impression Rose and everyone freaks the fuck out. 

Sweet Jesus, All-4-One is back.  Wells calls them “an amazing band.”  Um, yeah, in 1994.  This is almost as bad as the time Vanilla Ice performed at college bars in 2003.  Sadly, I was on R.A. duty the night he was in Philadelphia.    

Ali is still being a hot mess in the house, and I can’t help but notice his hair is crazy and his tie is askew.  I can’t help it, you guys: I heart Ali and will be pulling for him during the max three episodes he’ll be on.

Chad is surprisingly vulnerable, says JoJo.  She thinks he’s mysterious.  I think he’s a tool.  We’ll see who’s right.

Chad calls himself the manlier, more rugged version of Ben.  I think I’ve already won this bet. Chad will go far in this contest; he will surely provide us with tons of drama.  I will surely love to hate him.

The Canadian guy tries to explain the “Damn, Daniel” YouTube video.  I’m glad he’s into what my middle school students are watching right now.  Erectile Dysfunction Guy gets his bellybutton poked by Daniel, who then decides it’s a good idea to get naked.  JoJo tells him to put his clothes back on.  Dude, he’s going home, but not before he jumps in the pool.  Someone says, “Damn, Daniel” and I laugh my butt off.  I think the one glass of wine I’ve had has gone to my head, what with my empty stomach and all.

Some drunk guy brings JoJo some water.  Then another drunk guy almost slips on his way in to see her.  He also tells her he’ll never make her beg for his love on the bathroom floor.  I wonder if he’ll make her beg on the kitchen floor?  Or maybe the pantry?  Family room?

Yay!  My Thai food is here!

After the commercial, Ali busts out some “Fur Elise” on a baby grand piano that just happened to pop out of nowhere.  How fortuitous!  Ali is my fave, though, so I’m glad that just happened.

Santa is still wearing his costume, and now JoJo is sitting on Santa’s lap.  He reveals his face, but apparently, JoJo doesn’t like what she sees because she puts the beard back on him.  Interesting.

When JoJo grabs the rose and walks past Erectile Dysfunction Guy, he says, “Dammit!”  Did he actually think he was in the running for it? 

What a surprise!  She gives the rose to Jordan!  Suck it, Aaron Rodgers!  Jordan is now in the spotlight! 

Soon after, Chris B. comes in to tell JoJo it’s time to get ready for the rose ceremony.  I reaaaally hope she gives a rose to St. Nick. 

Just as the ceremony is about to begin, a dark limo pulls up to the mansion.  In a dramatic twist of editing events, Jake Pavelka walks into the rose ceremony just as JoJo is picking up the first rose.  OMG!  I have not thought of Jake since he and Vienna called it quits back in ’10.  JoJo says he’s a close family friend, and Jake says he needs to talk to her about what she’s going to go through.  This is the cheesiest interruption ever.  He tells her, “I want love…and I want love for you.”  Then they laugh and hug and Jake says he wants to give her some advice.  Seriously, ABC, this was the dumbest thing in the history of the show, and that’s seriously saying a lot. 

Finally, back to the rose ceremony.  Luke gets the first rose—no surprise.  Wells gets a rose, but All-4_one has already gone through their entire body of work, so they’re nowhere in sight. James-Taylor-But-Not-THE-James-Taylor gets a rose.  Then Grant and Derek get one.  Christian is next, and while all of this is going on, Chad the Tool is smack-talking everyone.  JoJo puts all of us out of our misery and finally gives him a rose.  He’s going to be the key to making this season interesting and I love him for it.  Chase then gets the next rose, and Alex the Marine follows him, but not before shitting bricks that he’s about to go home.  Wow, they showed the rose table and there are still a shit-ton (not an actual measureable unit) of roses left.  Robbie gets the next one, followed by Brandon, a person I’ve yet to see on the show.  James F. gets the next rose, and then my man ALI!  Yippee!!!  Then it happens: St. Nick gets a rose.  The guys who are left have now hit the lowest point of their lives, no doubt.  When Will is offered the next rose, he says, “Will WILL accept the rose.”  What a dork.  I think another James gets the next rose, and then someone else gets one.  JoJo kinda mumbled his name and I don’t remember him, so I’m going to call him Manny.  I really have no idea what the hell his name is.  Evan and Damn Daniel get the final two roses.  I cannot believe she gave the rose to that drunk moron, and I’m sure the guys who didn’t get a rose are thinking the same thing.  As she hugs one of the rejects, she whispers to him, “You’re amazing.”  Um, really?  Your actions say otherwise, girlfriend.

Then comes the best part: the season previews.  We are not going to be disappointed, you guys.  Chad is a violent psycho who threatens people’s lives; some guy may or may not have a girlfriend; Jordan has brother issues; people are bleeding; there are cops everywhere--I am so excited to be back!
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