A Return to the Land of WTF.

Last week, I shared with all of you lovely readers the completely bizarre items one can buy in the Sky Mall catalog that is always nestled snugly in airplane seats.  Because it went over so well, I figured I'd add to the collection.  So, here we go.  Fasten your seatbelts, kids!  It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Here we have the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System.  This product is available for $59.99, and it comes with a step-by-step training DVD.  Thank God, because how else will I be able to train my cat to pop a squat on the toilet?  The tagline for this item is so rich: "Potty train your cat faster than most people can potty train their kids."  I can just see it now: have you ever seen those bumper stickers that read, "My dog is smarter than your honor student"?  Well, how about this one: "My cat can poo on the toilet better than your kid"??  I rest my case.

  This is the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier, available for $39.99.  It looks like a Bluetooth, doesn't it?  That's the whole point.  It's basically a hearing aid designed to make you look cool.  Please allow me to re-type the little blurb: "If a conventional hearing aid sounds like an embarrassment to you, try the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier.  It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer, so you can join conversations and even hear soft voices from 50 feet away.  Now you can enjoy the best of both worlds: a more youthful appearance and better hearing."  Ok, having a Bluetooth in your ear gives you a more youthful appearance?  I'll have to remember that when I enter my mid-life crisis.  I dunno, I always thought people looked like tools when they walked around with those suckers in their ears.  It really had nothing to do with age. 

Several of you actually commented about this little gem that I happened to leave out in last week's post.  This is the Indoor Dog Restroom, which can be purchased for the teeny tiny price of $149.95.  Don't worry, though--the replacement mats are only $64.95!!  Ok, I can kind of see where this would be a good place for your pooch to take a poo, but I really hate to think about the amount of pee that's going to dribble out of that thing when you try to pick it up.  And where, exactly, is an appropriate place to stick this in your home?  Since it looks like a welcome mat, perhaps just outside your front door?  Just make sure the peeps take their shoes off before entering, though!  And why is this thing $150??  Just cut out some artificial turf, hot glue it to a welcome mat, and voila!  The Poor Man's Indoor Dog Restroom.  Tell you what: I'll make you one and charge you $59.95.  Deal? 

Just when I thought people couldn't become any lazier, someone goes and invents the Infinitely Adjustable Reading Valet.  Basically, you secure the book you're reading to the reading valet, get comfy in the recliner, and have hands-free reading.  Um...why?  Why do we need this?  Unless you are in some way incapacitated and can't physically turn pages or hold a book, you do not need to waste $89.95 on this godforesaken piece o' crap.  This thing kinda gives new meaning to the saying, "Look, Mom!  No hands!"  Tools.

OMG, I have such a migraine today.  I am so happy that I brought my $59.99 Migraine Magic Plus sunglasses to work with me!  I think the kids will totally walk all over me respect me when they see me in these shades!  The massaging eye mask will stimulate and restore circulation around my eyes, which is sure to relieve even the worst migraines.  As someone who has suffered from migraines in the past, I can say with all certainty that when I get one, all I want and need is my bed, dark lighting, and two Excedrin Migraine pills.  Screw the eye massage!

Embarrassed by the litter box you are using as an end table in your living room?  Well, how about replacing it with this gorgeous plant stand??  Not only can your kitty take care of bidness while you entertain guests, but you can disguise the entire thing as a plant holder!  I'm quite certain that your guests will never see the gaping hole on the side of said holder, nor will they be able to smell the stench emanating from it.  They'll simply think it's the plant!  Genius!  Get yours today for $129.95.  I'm sure they'd make great stocking stuffers. 

And finally, folks, we have the PowerLung.  No, this is not an item found in your neighborhood adult bookstore; this is actually the tool you need to breathe better.  It comes in three levels: low ($99.00), medium ($109.00), and high ($119.00), and will totally teach your lungs to breathe more air.  I'm telling you right now, friends, this thing REALLY blows! 

This concludes our second trip to the Land of WTF.  Sadly, I don't think I'll be flying any time soon, but the second I do, I'll be sure to pick up the latest Sky Mall mag.  In fact, I'm looking forward to it!

FYI: Hookers Usually Don't Have Master's Degrees.

I'm not trying to brag, but I have a master's degree.  Hold your applause, please, because the point of this post is not to toot my own horn.  I'm telling you this because the other day, I was made to feel like the scum of the Earth.

By whom, you ask?

A worker at The Limited. 

I know, isn't that ridiculous?

I mean, at least Julia Roberts' character was shopping on Rodeo Drive when she was treated like a hooker (and for the record, in case you live under a rock and have never seen Pretty Woman, she actually IS a hooker).

I went in to find a dress for a party I'm attending.  Since I felt like a fat heifer who had nothing nice to wear, I decided I needed to buy a new outfit.

Besides, I've been thrifty for several months now and figured I deserved to throw a little dough away.

Several of the outfits in The Limited's window caught my eye, so I went in. 

I really didn't think anything of the way I was dressed.  I was in a red tank top from the Gap, and a pair of jeans (Ralph Lauren, I might add).  I didn't bother drying my hair that day, so it was wet, and my sunglasses were perched on top of my head.  I was wearing my Reef flip flops, the same ones I've had since my sophomore year of college, that I can't seem to part with.

So...I walk in and see a sales lady striding toward me.  She stops, looks me up and down, and TURNS AROUND. 

Apparently, not only do I look like I don't need help, but I also don't look like I need some sort of greeting to indicate my presence in this biotch's store.

After walking around and looking at their clothes (btw, I hated everything I saw, including the outfits in the window because they looked cheaply made once you got up close to them), another girl approached and asked if I was finding everything ok.  I said, "Well, I'm looking for an outfit to wear to a party."  "Oh," she said. 

And then she turned around and walked away.

WTF??

No, really--WTF?!! 

I felt like a real piece of shiz, let me tell you. 

I really wanted to go up there and be like, "Hi, I'm a TEACHER.  I am REALLY SMART.  I come from a GOOD FAMILY.  I'M NOT THE PIECE OF CRAP YOU JUST TREATED ME LIKE." 

Instead, I walked out. 

A few days later, I was back at the mall to purchase a dress that I had seen that day. 

I bought it at Macy's.

It was a Calvin Klein.

It's adorable and was expensive.

Then I walked back in The Limited, and was happy to see both wenches were working that day.  When one of the girls approached me and asked if I needed assistance, this time smiling from ear-to-ear, I sighed and said, "No, there is not a single piece of clothing I actually like in here." 

And then I walked away.

Cinda-f'in-rella, baby.