The People in My Life: DBs.

I would like to dedicate this post to some very unimportant, yet very prominent, people in my life, DBs.  For all of you avid readers, you'll know I use this term a lot.  Some of you (namely just my sister) probably have no idea what a "DB" even is.  Let's remedy that straight away, shall we?

Boy and girls, a DB is this DB's (much different) shortened version of a very unladylike term: Douchebag.

I have been known to call many people in my life douchebags:

The ex-boyfriends are all douchebags.

Sometimes my husband is a douchebag.
The entire Yankees baseball team are douchebags.

Suri Cruise?  SUCH a douchebag (No one is allowed to be cuter than me, dammit!).

Yes, that's right: I've even called small children, toddlers, douche bags.  For instance, last Thanksgiving, Hubs and I went to a professional football game.  We went with one of Hubs' colleagues and the dude's little boy, who was about three years old.  Not only was Daddy a major douche, but so was little sonny.  And guess who poor DB got stuck with for the entire ride up to the game?  That's right: the chip off the ole block, the three-year-old douchebag. 

Basically, I did ANYTHING to entertain this kid, short of spiking his apple juice with a little Smirnoff.  He liked my iPhone.  So what did I do? 

I WASTED TEN DOLLARS BUYING ALL OF THE GAME APPS THAT HE TOLD ME TO BUY! 

And then when I tried to help him, he was all, "I got it."

Oh, do you, DB?  Then why did that monster just eat all of your guys?!!  BOO YAH!! 

The latest DB I encountered happened to be today when I was trying to drive home from work.
We don't live all that far from work, so I haul major ass to get home.  As I was trying to merge onto the road thingy (to this day, I'm uncertain as to how, exactly, I acquired my driver's license), I noticed a line of cars trying to do the same.  WTF?  Just move to the left....but I couldn't do it until those in front of me did.  So there I was, sitting there and growing progressively more pissed.

"There'd better be a baby being born in that red Honda, because if not, I'ma gonna cut a bitch!!'  I yelled.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, we were all able to merge.  I quickly passed red Honda, and what did I see?  The DB TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE WHILST SMOKING A CIGARETTE WHILST DRIVING!! 

WTF??

In conclusion, my friends, there are DBS among us.  Please, for the sake of mankind, don't be one of them.

Thank you.

Love,

This Blogger, who is probably being called a "DB" by someone right this very second.

We've All Heard of Drunk Dialing...

...but I've decided to take it one step further, thanks to my handy dandy iPhone.  Not only can I drunk dial or text, but I can also Tweet and Facebook while feeling tipsy. 

And yes, I'm speaking from experience.

Sunday was a weird day for us, mostly because we usually head out for a weekend of fun, but our weekend o' fun ended on Saturday and we were actually home all of Sunday.  It was nice and I loved it.

By five o'clock-ish, Hubs asked if I wanted a cocktail.  I was in the mood for one, so he concocted me some sort of drink with vodka.  He used this awesome organic black cherry soda he found at Whole Foods, and I was in love.  It was so delish and yum.  The first one went down quite easily, so he made me another. 

And then I made another.

And then I was trying to impersonate The Dude from The Big Lebowski, so he decided to make me a White Russian. 

And somewhere in between morphing from DB into a 6'3" smelly guy, I started to leave people heartwarming messages on Facebook.

It started out simple enough: I wished a former student a happy birthday and was extra lovey-dovey with her.  No biggie.

And then I started leaving weird messages on Hubs' wall, and because he was equally inebriated, he began to respond.  We were seriously sitting out on our front porch while listening to music and laughing our butts off at the conversation we were having ON OUR PHONES. 

The world is a sad, sad place, my friends.

After using the words "bastard" and "douchebag" on Hubs' wall (not to worry--I called Hubs' friend those names, not Hubs), I began to worry about what Hubs' mom and grandmother would think.  Eek.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, I started leaving messages on people's walls whom I barely know.  Some I haven't spoken to for years, but with my heartwarming words, you would have thought we were lifelong friends and not just Facebook acquaintances.

I begged my neighbor to start walking with me every night.

I had a status update about not trapping my husband into our marriage by getting pregnant right after our nuptials because a friend had disclosed a former co-worker had done this.  Thankfully, no names were mentioned.

I then started to profess my undying love for my friend Jenny (I do have undying love for you, Jenny).

I began messaging my bff Brooke about how awesome she is, and how much I loved and missed her.

I commented on people's videos and statuses like it was my job.

And then I got to an old family friend.  This friend just got married last weekend; it's his fourth marriage.  Well, third if you count that he married the same woman twice. 

I waxed poetic for a good paragraph or so about how much I loved and respected him and his family.  It was disgusting and made no sense at all.

I must have blacked out shortly after that, because that's all I remember.

But when I woke up this morning, I had a slew of notifications since all of the people I had drunk 'Booked last night had responded.

And believe me, reading the posts to which they were responding was all the punishment I needed.

Thank God I didn't call any ex-boyfriends...

...I think...

Look, Mom! I'm a Cartoooooon!!!!

Well, it finally happened: we ran out of Nutella.

But in addition to that, I also finally got a blog makeover!!  Isn't it totally adorable?! 

My avatar looks nothing like me, but I wish I had that shape.  In fact, one of my "demands" whilst in the middle of the design was that she (me!) would have to be thin.  hehehe

Whatever, it's my daydream.

Anyway, if you are at all interested in who did this nifty little page, her name is April.  Her site can be found at http://www.aprilshowersblogdesign.com/

I found her prices to be very reasonable, especially when I compared her work to other blog designers.  She can do pretty much anything you want.  Just be advised that you MUST be patient.  I had to wait an extra-long time for my blog design, but honestly, it was well worth the wait.  So check April out and have fun!

PS: In honor of my new layout, I have an awesome giveaway in store for you tomorrow!

Oh Canada!

Happy Friday, friends!  I am on my way to Canada!

Actually, I'm not.  I'm staying my ass home for once, but only because my parents are out visiting.

They got here last night.

I'm ready to run away to Canada.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

Anyhoodle, my bloggy friend needs some help with her Canadian blog giveaway.  Head on over to her blog and help a sistah out, will ya?  The best part is that you could win an awesome award!!  Holla!!  Good luck and have fun, hipsters!

If the link I provided doesn't work, here's the addy:  http://canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com/

A Soundtrack for My Love.

Before you start thinking I'm about to pull out Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" and seranade Hubs, I think you should know that I have taken another lover.  The potato vodka has been temporarily replaced by a new, sweeter man.

And that man is....


Mr. Nutella.

Once again, my husband introduced him to me.  It all started the other night...

I came home from a rough day of work.  It was an extra long day, and so I flopped on the couch and put my arm over my eyes.  The next thing I knew, Hubs was waving this buttered bread in front of me, except it wasn't butter.  It was some sort of chocolate-looking spread.

"What is this?" I demanded.

"Nutella.  Just try it."

So I did.

And then I made him make me another one.

Which he did.

Because I'm the boss.

Obviously.

I seriously could not get enough of the stuff in my mouth.  Soon after, Hubs kept catching me moaning while I loaded the hazelnutty goodness onto spoons. 

And when I wasn't eating it, I was thinking about it.  Later, the answer to every question someone asked me was, "Nutella."  This proved quite awkward whilst at the gynecologist the other day. 

Yesterday after school, I came home and immediately grabbed another loving spoonful.  When Hubs proceeded to give me a hard time, I told him I was going into the kitchen to make sweet love to the Nutella.  His response?  "Leave the spoon."  I decided that I should make a soundtrack to listen to whilst eating my new love.  Without further ado, and in no particular order, here is said soundtrack.  Enjoy, friends, and get lickin'!

1.  I'll Make Love to You    Boyz II Men  (Yeah, that's right.  I'm bringing them back.)
2.  You're the Inspiration    Peter Cetera
3.  You Were Always on My Mind     Willie Nelson
4.  When I Think About You, I Touch Myself   The Divinyls
5.  Truly, Madly, Deeply     Savage Garden
6.  Pour Some Sugar (Nutella) On Me     Def Leppard
7.  U Got It Bad                    Usher
8.  Afternoon Delight          Starland Vocal Band
9.  Forever Your Girl          Paula Abdul
10.  Candy Shop                   50 Cent
11.  Do That to Me One More Time     Captain and Tennille
12.  Saving All My Love for You     Whitney Houston

Am I missing any songs?  Please let me know.  I want this soundtrack to be absolutely perfect.  Nutella deserves it.


  

Fab Friday

Do you like my blog? Do you think it's funny, witty, and fabulous? Well, I have an even better blog for you to follow today! Go visit Amanda over at http://itsblogworthy.blogspot.com. Don't walk! Run!