The Bachelorette: Second Week's the Charm?

Food for Thought: Ashley is a trashy version of Trista.  Discuss.

Ok, so Trashley shows up in a leather jacket and slutty white dress to pick William, a cellular phone salesman (Uh, ABC?  It's not 1999 anymore.  Just call them cell phones. Thanks.) up for a Vegas adventure.  Of course they take a commuter plane to get there.


ABC always saves the copters for at least the third ep.

As soon as they get to Vegas, they start feeding each other wedding cake.  Ashley giggles annoyingly the whole time. 

Ok, wait.  What the hell is the point of this date?  They eat wedding cake. They pick out a ring for Ashley.  THEY TALK TO A MINISTER AT A CHAPEL AND I START CHANNELING OEDIPUS AND STABBING OUT MY EYES.

The best part is in the middle of the vows, Ashley was like, "Oh, wait!  I have seventeen other guys!  I can't get married yet!" So she tells William that he's the cutest thing ever (obvi--that's her key phrase of the show), and then they make out in front of the minister.  He claps.  I stab.

Another thing about our lovely bachelorette: she loves to be picked up.  In fact, she kind of demanded it of William.  Yeah, girlfriend, rub it in that you weigh five pounds.  I HATE YOU.

Then Ashley and William eat dinner on a little platform on the water.  After the date, a giant water show starts.  I started praying to Jesus that the water show blew them off of their platform, just to add some excitement.  I should totally be the executive producer of this show.

Back at the house, another date card arrives.  Basically every male in the house is going to Vegas, with the exception of five boys.  Yes, I said boys. 

Wow, you can REALLY get to know someone when you are surrounded by twenty-seven other people! 

So, all 125 people jet off to Vegas.  They are taken to a private viewing of the Jabberwocky dance group.  This group is basically the Blue Men, minus the blue, and with masks reminiscent of a Wes Craven thriller.

Anyway, in the middle of the dance, who shows up but Trashley in camo pants and a white mask.  She moves her hips in slow motion, which I guess she considers dancing.  That's cool, Trash. 

So, basically, she breaks da boyz up into two groups.  Each group needs to come up with their own Jabberwocky-esque dance.  The winners stay in Vegas to snort cocaine off of Ash's collarbone, while the other group has to walk back to the LA mansion without food or water.

So the winners performed in front of 2000 people.  They were literally on stage for twenty seconds.  It was the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.

This is also when I started paying our bills for June, and calculating our budget.

I think this accurately shows just how riveted I was by the show.

This is also when my friend Brooke congratulated me on Twitter for taking one for the team.  As I explained to her, my super power is watching bad reality television so that you don't have to.

You're welcome.

So then she talks one-on-one with the Douchebag of the Month, Benteley.  He then tells the cameras that he thinks Ashley has a nice bod and he'd like her to tickle his BLEEP!, but he is not attracted to her.

Um, either Ashley is a total idiot, or this is completely staged.  Or perhaps it's a good combination of the two.  Yeah, that's def it.  I mean, she gave him the stupid rose in Vegas.  Nothing like whoring yourself out for the sake of your fifteen minutes of fame, Trash.

So then Mickey and Minnie...er, JP...have to flip a coin to see who gets a one-on-one date with Trashley.

Guess what?  The Bachelorette has its own coin to flip!  How dumb!

I will wager that Chris B. Harrison is on one side, and Trista, queen of the bachelorettes, is on the other, but I can't be certain.

Mickey wins and gets to hang with Trista Jr. in Vegas.  Once again, Ashley makes him carry her.

Of course she freaking does, because she's widdle iddle and not able to walky walk by her widdleself.

I know fully understand the term "FML".

Stab.  Stab.

So the whole date, they keep flipping a coin to see who's gonna do which sexual favors for whom, and what they will do in between said favors.  Ashley then tells him that she can't decide if she should give him the rose, so she decides to flip a coin to see.  After he wins, she giggles and tells him she was going to give him the rose anyway.  Oh, Ashley.  Such a trickster!

And then Colbie Caillat comes out and sings for them.

Such a shame.  I used to like her.

And then Mickey says, "It felt like there was no one else there but the two of us."

Um, Mickey?  That's because there was no one else there but the two of you.  Moron.

So then we get to the night of the rose ceremony, and Trash pulls JP aside to talk.  After they toss another freaking coin, they kiss.  Ashley really wanted to kiss JP, and she basically tells JP he'll be staying on the island for another week.  He also says, and I quote, "I'm really happy that things have acceled to this level."  Um, dude!  It was just a kiss!  What'd she do, give you a hand job on the sly when the cameras weren't rolling?

I hate you.

Jeff, the Phantom of the Opera, decides to talk to Ash a bit before taking his mask off for her.  I'm not being metaphorical here, people.  So, just as he starts to take off the mask, another dude pops up and he doesn't take it off.  Dude, just take the damn mask off!  So stupid, ABC!  So stupid!

Finally, after a dull quasi-makeout session with Benteley, it's the rose ceremony.  HOLLA!

There seemed to be about 349875 roses to hand out tonight, and honestly, there were no surprises.  I fear Ashley is just going to be a predictable little lady this season.  Sigh.

At least we have Benteley to be a complete tool set.

Oh, and let's see I'm right about the helicopter next week.  I fear it may be a week too soon!

Until then, my friends, stay fresh and watch some quality television.

Like Me! Please, Like Me!

Hello, my beautiful, lovely readers.  Could you do me a big favor?  I promise it'll make your (and my) day.  Could you just push that like button on the lefthand side of my blog?  The one under "Like Me!"?  I need to have more Facebook followers, and unfortunately, my mom and sis aren't on Facebook.  I know, sad face. 

So, all you need to do is push that little like button and call it a day.

Thanks! 

PS--Happy Memorial Day!  Thank you, veterans!

Funniest Thing Ever.

This has completely changed my mind about Michael Bolton.

Well...not entirely.

HELP!

Ok, readers, I need your help!  I am turning 30 in a few months, and I want to make a Things To De Before I'm 30 list. 

Here's where I'm stuck: what should be on it?

I'm fairly adventurous, so I'm game for pretty much anything.  I'm probably going to add skydiving to my to-do list (Dear Sister, please do not tell our mother), but I need to have some more.

What else should I do?? 

Leave a comment below and give a suggestion (please keep in mind that I'm married and would like to stay that way).  I'll be blogging my list next week. 

Gracias!

The Bachelorette: Someone End This Misery.

Yes, that's right: another season of The Bachelorette is upon us.  Fear not, faithful followers!  I have blocked out the next eight Monday nights, where I will do nothing but watch this pathetic excuse for a show just to entertain all of you.

You're welcome.

Well, I must say that I was shocked when I found out that Dentist Ashley was our new bachelorette, mostly because she just wasn't as perfect-looking as the previous ones.

I know how totally mean that sounds, believe me.  In real life, I am not this catty, but since she decided to whore herself out to the masses, I have no shame in calling a spade a spade.  Or a ho a hoe.

How's that for a pun??  HOLLA!

Anyhoodle, this girl has Grade A White Trash Ho tramp stamped on her lower back.

Ok, not really, but she should.

Ok, I'm starting to feel guilty for turning into a mean girl.  I'm like a young Joan Rivers with working eyebrows.

Ashley decided, whilst dancing in an empty auditorium and doing her best rendition of Black Swan, that she wanted to start feeling like herself again. This included going back to her roots.  Yes, that's right--she's now a brunette. 

So, Chris B. Harrison wasted no time in introducing the guys to the viewers.  The most standout guy for me was Bentley.  First, his name is dumb.  Secondly, he introduced us via his computer wallpaper to his adorable little daughter, Cozy.  No, no.  I'm not saying the situation was Cozy; I'm saying he named his freaking kid Cozy.

Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  This dude is totally getting into the final two, even though he admitted that he totally wanted to get in Emily's pants (you know, the chick who won Brad's heart last season).  Later on, we find out that Ashley has some info on Bentley--apparently, his ex-wife's friend is mutual friends with Ashley (work on your coincidences, ABC), and she found out that the B-meister is only on to promote his job.  What a tool.  We like him!

Next, another guy was introduced.  Surprise, surprise--this guy's wife died.  Tragic, yes, but apparently, this is this hideous show's new thing.  That's right, ladies and gentlemen!  If you're a widow or widower, you will be certain to grab a spot on this show. 

Does anyone else see this as major exploitation? 'Cause I do. 

And mama don't like it.

Ok, also, in addition to saying "journey" every other word, Ashley likes to randomly yell out, "No regrets!" at the top of her lungs.  What a tool.  I like it.

Trashley finally meets all of the guys.  After they ogle her and boost her ego, she laughs, cackles, whatever you want to call it, until the cows come home.  She also claims each one is "too cute".  Oh, Ashley, you're already lying!  Keep it up, girl!  That's what we want!

Also, I love how they're all like, "I'm so happy it's you!", which just proves that these guys do nothing but sit around and watch (perhaps even blog about?) The Bachelor.  What losers?  I mean, who does that?  Tee hee.

Honestly, this is the most motley crew of gentlemen I've ever seen.  They are bizarre, at best.  They also have weird names like Bentley (see above) and Ames.  One of the dudes also wore a mask the entire night because he wanted Ashley to get to know him.  Um, sir?  Batman called.  He wants his mask back.

Then there's Tim, who got drunk off of his ass at the party.  Ashmash couldn't even understand what he was saying to her, but I will say that it warmed the cockles of my heart to see how sweet she was to him. 

Maybe she's not as bad as I've made her out to be.

Naaaah.

She gave some guy named Ryan a rose.  I don't really like him because he reminds me of the creepy music teacher dude from Glee.  I hate that guy.

Finally, FINALLY!!!  It's the rose ceremony.  I always hate the first eps of these shows because they're so long and boring. 

All I care about are the drunken hot tub scenes.

What?  At least I'm honest. 

Ashley said several thousand journeys, and then sent some of the boys packing.  She said she'd miss them, even though she talked to them all for about five minutes.  That's cool.

Psycho Mask Man got the first rose.  I'm not surprised, because he totally guilt tripped her into giving her one, saying he was wearing it so that she could look into the real him or whatevs. 

Whatevs, indeed.

Rob, one of the guys who was viciously cast aside, started to cry when talking to the cameras.  Rob, that scene is enough to get you laid for the rest of your twenties.  Good play, Rob.  Good play.

Join us next week, folks, for another round-up of The Bachelorette. I predict more drunken antics, and plenty of making out in bathing suits. 

Who Are You?

Since summer vacation is quickly approaching (holla!), I'm going to need a ton of new reading materials.

So, here's your time to shine!  Leave a comment and introduce yourself and your blog.

Happy Reading!!

Bridesmaids.

If you don't go see this movie immediately, you are bad people.

Ok, not really, but do yourselves a favor.

Summer Reading List.

Hello, my friends!  This is the day you've all been waiting for: the day Daydream Believer reveals her reading list for the summer!

HOLLA!

Because I've already read Bossypants, by Tina Fey, the new Jen Lancaster (her first book of fiction!), and the new book about Chelsea Handler, I decided to stray from the usual trash I read and go for the quasi-intellectual.  This is mostly because I'm trying to make way for some new books on my shelves, and I need to read and give some away that I already have.

Ok, here we go...

Then We Came to the End, by Joshua Ferris

The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, by Tom Wolfe, because it's better than actually doing acid.

The Best of Everything, by Rona Jaffe

Bobbed Hair and Bathtub Gin, by Marion Meade, because this would have been me in the 20s.

Summer and the City: the Carrie Diaries, by Candace Bushnell....what?  You can't expect me to be intellectual ALL of the time!  Besides, the first one was awesome.  Stop judging.

And finally...

In the Time of the Butterflies, by Julia Alvarez

I'll post again at the end of the summer to let you know how I did.

What made it to your summer reading list this year?



Favorite Things.

You are all in for a special treat!  In honor of Oprah's final season, I've decided to create my own special Favorite Things post.  I am sorry to tell you all that no, you will not each be receiving these items for reading my blog.  Until I am on the Forbes list, you're all on your own.  Lo siento.

Ok, so let's get down to business.  The first thing on my list is my latest obsession, the Nature Valley Dark Chocolate and Granola Bars.

These suckers only have 80 calories each!  That means you can eat the whole box and not feel guilty!!...

...right?...

Dammit, please!  Somone tell me I'm right!!  These things make for a delish mid-afternoon treat.

Next is the ultra-cool lip gloss I found at Walgreen's.  My students are amazed by this thing.  One boy even exclaimed, "Whoa...that's the coolest lip gloss I've ever seen in my life!"  I know, kids.  I know.  Your teacher is SO awesome.

And where would I be without my monthly subscription to Vogue?  Did I ever tell you guys about how I did a grammar project on Vogue when I was in graduate school?  It kicked ass and I got a perfect grade on it.  Holla!  And thanks, Anna Wintour!

My nail polish of choice was voted the most popular polish ever.  It is Essie's Ballet Slippers.  I wear it all of the time, mostly because it's so classic.  I also wore it on my wedding day, which makes it extra special.

When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do is take a look at you...oh, wait.  Sorry, I was channeling my inner Phil Collins.  When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do is take a look at any episode from the series Ally McBeal.  I pop in a DVD whenever I can't sleep.

So, there you have it, folks: a short and simple list of all of my favorite things right now. 

What's on your list of favorite things?

Was It Good For You?

The other day, I noticed my nails were looking a little shabby.  I decided a manicure and pedicure were in order, so I waited until Friday as a way of celebrating getting through the work week relatively unscathed.

Since it was three in the afternoon, the peeps were able to get me right in--SCORE!  I had brought my own bottle of my signature polish, Essie's Ballet Slippers.  I brought it over to where Lee, my manicurist, was waiting.

I'd never "had" Lee before, although I had seen him at the salon.  He always looked grumpy.

This is probably because Lee is grumpy.

Actually, in retrospect, Lee was like every guy I'd ever dated before I met my husband: cold, aloof, and gruff.  I'll give props where props are due, though, and compliment him on his excellent fashion sense.  The boy looked fresh.  For reals.

I don't know where the ghetto talk is coming from.  I apologize.

Anyway, not only was Lee a major grump, but he also took TWO phone calls on his cell phone whilst filing my nails.

Um, I'm sorry, Lee, but when you're working on someone's nails, you're really supposed to ignore your cell phone calls.

Also?  You're really not supposed to groan and sigh every five seconds.  You gave this girl a complex.

I mean, seriously, was he groaning because my nails are nasty?  Did I smell badly?  Who knows?  I sure don't, because Lee didn't utter a single word to me the entire time.

Oh, wait.  I take that back.  He actually asked me two questions.  While giving me a half-assed hand massage, he asked, "Does this feel good?  Do you like this?"

I looked at him blankly and said, "Um, we are talking about my manicure, right?"

I mean, what the hell?  It's not like we were sharing intimate relations or something.

So I just said, "Sure, Lee.  Feels great."  And then prayed that it would all be over soon.

Wow, this really DOES sound like my previous relationships.

Then I moved to the pedicure station.  I freaking LOVE pedicures!

Except when they tickle.

Unfortunately, this woman tickled me to no end, and she did nothing about the unsightly callous on my big toe.

Now it was my turn to groan and sigh.

In the middle of rubbing my tree-trunk calves, this woman, too, asked me if it "felt good".

What the hell is it with these people??

So I figured I'd give her the truth.  "Yes, but could you please do me...er, it harder?"

So she did.

And it was awesome.

Finally, it was time to go. 

After I had paid, the nail peeps asked if it was good for me, stuck a cigarette in my mouth, and sent me on my merry way.

I think my desire for a mani-pedi has been sated for quite awhile.

Letter to My Husband.

Dear Love o' My Life:

As you know, I took a trip into the city to see a play with my teacher friends.  Before seeing the show, we did a bit of light shopping...well, I did a bit of light shopping while everyone else just browsed.

I blacked out from missing you so much, and when I came to, I noticed this beautiful handbag that I had somehow acquired in one of the stores:

And even though I was totally blacked out when this was allegedly purchased, I remember hearing the sales girl say it was great for traveling, and it was the one and only made by a LOCAL ARTIST.  This is totally supporting our local economy, my love.  I'm thinking of our fellow (wo)man.

As every woman will tell you, a new bag is not complete without a matching wallet...and...ring?

 



Ahem.  And earrings.



I am so very sorry.  :-(



After I came to and realized what I had done, I immediately e-mailed you and confessed.  You know how important honesty is to me, and I didn't want to have to hide this bag whenever you're around.  Besides, I'm going to want to actually use the bag when it matches my outfit.

But being you, wonderful you, you just took it in stride and replied, "Don't worry.  You told me you needed a new purse and wallet.  No big deal."

So then I felt all redeemed until I realized that I had told you that months ago.

And that I had made an extra special trip to the Coach store so that I could buy this:

Hi, I'm your wife's Coach bag.

And I'm the matching wallet!



And since I drove all that way, I decided to reward myself with this cute mini-wallet.



Hello!  I'm a cute mini-wallet.

And since this was in the middle of winter, my hands were freezing, so I had no choice but to buy these gloves.

Hi.  I'm the gloves your wife wisely bought to prevent losing her digits to frostbite.  Isn't she SO smart??

I'm sorry that you had forgotten about my mid-winter purchases from several months ago, but please don't be mad at me.  In fact, you should be falling even more in love with me for being so honest!  I mean, my parents DID, after all, argue over whether or not to give me "Honest" as my middle name. 

Ok, so that part is probably made up.

Ok, it's totally made up.

But my point is...

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON'T BE MAD AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,

Your ever-faithful and humble wife

PS: I'm writing this letter to you on my blog because I'm hoping you've stopped reading it and will never actual see said letter.  Or said bags.  Or earrings.  Or wallets.  Or gloves.

PPS:  Did I mention how I'm REALLY sorry????



My Own Happiness Project.

Two months ago, I was traveling to see my family back home.  One reason I love to fly and to be in airports is because I get to see so many people reading.  As an English teacher, this makes me ridiculously happy.  Not only does it warm the cockles of my heart to witness other people enjoying books, but it also gives me new fodder for my Must Read List (speaking of lists, look for my summer reading list next week!).  Anyway, a really cool girl was reading The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin.  Well, I thought the girl was cool, but I really have no idea.  I just liked the way she dressed.

When I got back from vacation, I decided to check the book out at my local library.  It turns out it was exactly what I needed.

Basically, Rubin came up with these resolutions to which she'd attempt to adhere for an entire year.  In the beginning of the book, Rubin discusses how she was not depressed, but felt she was not happy; she was not living life to the fullest.  She was, in fact, just living.

I don't know about you guys, but I got that.  In a big way.  After reading, I decided to tackle my own happiness project, but I decided to forgo the resolutions.  I didn't want to limit myself to new rules or goals, so I just decided to make a list of things that made me happy, and to try to do as much of these things as often as possible.  Here is a partial snapshot of my list:

1.  Spending one weekend day doing something social.  This can be shopping, seeing a movie, lunching with friends, or just getting out of the house.  Spending one weekend day doing nothing but inside stuff, such as reading, cleaning, or watching smut television.  My happiest weekends are when I feel both relevant to the world and lazy.

2.  Making to-do lists.  I don't know why, but to-do lists make me ridiculously happy.  I make one every day, and you cannot imagine the satisfaction I feel when I accomplish even one of the tasks.

3.  Keeping things neat and tidy.  While I am by no means a neat freak, I have recently discovered that I feel the happiest when my life is physically in order.  I like that someone could randomly show up at my door and I wouldn't be embarrassed to let them see the inside of my house.  Plus, it makes it incredibly easy to find things.

4.  Listening to NPR.  I have just recently discovered the wonders of NPR.  I am now completely hooked--it's all I listen to!  I find myself taking long drives just to listen to their programs.  It's so awesome!

5. Rising thirty minutes earlier in the morning.  For someone who adores staying up late and sleeping in, this one is kind of hard to believe.  I've started to get up earlier on work days, and it has made such a huge difference in my day!  I get to work earlier, which means I'm able to accomplish a lot before the kids even arrive.  It's made a tremendous impact on the amount of work I'm able to get done!

6.  Reading at least one chapter in a book per day.  This is something I make a point of doing every day.  Reading is a very special pasttime of mine, something I've always made time for.  I hope I always will.

7.  Writing to my grandparents.  I'm just happy I still have grandparents to write to, and I realize someday I won't have this opportunity anymore.  I want to make sure I do this for as long as I can.  My mom says my letters make them so happy, and that makes me glad.

8.  Knowing as much about pop culture as I possibly can.  I think my new name should be Trendy.  I love to read anything popular in literature, movies, television shows, fashion, etc.  Why does this useless information please me??!  Who knows, but I love it!

9.  Tweeting.  If you're up late and cannot sleep, or if you're feeling lonely and blue, all you need to do is log on to Twitter and meet wonderful people from all over the world.  You always have a friend to talk...er, Tweet to!

10.  Saying no.  I have never been very good at this.  If someone asked me to do something, even if I didn't want to do it, I always said yes.  Maybe because I'm older, or just a little more independent, I now find it very easy to say no when I don't actually want to do something.  This has been quite liberating for me!

11.  Doing things ASAP.  I was always a procrastinator, but I'm finding that the sooner I get things done, the easier my life is!  What a concept!

And that's it.  In the short amount of time I've been working on my Happiness Project, I already feel happier.  It's amazing how the little things really add up, isn't it?

Oprah would be so proud!

This Is Why I Love Twitter.

A few months ago, I did a sad and destructive thing: I closed my Twitter account.  I moped around the house for days, missing my Twitter friends and regretting my Twittercide.  Finally, I couldn't stay away.  I made a new and improved Twitter account, and I started to re-follow my homies. 

If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, please click here.  Yay!  There I am!

And really?  If you ARE on Twitter and NOT following me, shame on you! 

Shame!

I follow back, btw. 

Just thought I'd throw that one out there since I LOVE followers.  Just don't be surprised if we become BFFs.  BECAUSE IT HAPPENS.

Anyway, I usually Tweet first thing when I wake up and am puttering around the house pre-work, once I get to work and before the actual work day begins, and then not again until I get home from work. 

Apparently it's uncouth for a teacher to spend her day Tweeting, which I think is totally bizarre, but whatever.

When I had my old account, I was so popular that I was followed by Ellen (yes, THE Ellen), McHammer (HOLLA!!), and Paula Abdul (eat your hearts out, followers).  Khloe Kardashian even re-Tweeted one of my Tweets when I lied to her and said I had just voted for her husband for NBA All-Star.

Oh, stop judging.  You know you've done the same thing.

Now that I have my new account, none of those celebs follow me.

Whatever, it's their loss.

I mean, I'm not resentful of them AT ALL.

But seriously...

WHY AREN'T THEY FOLLOWING ME??  I'M FUN AND COOL AND CUTE!! 

FOLLOW ME, ELLEN!  FOLLOW ME, MC!  PAULA! 

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE FOLLOW ME.

Ok, I'll stop now.  You see, you have to get your Tweets down to 140 characters maximum, which is harder than it sounds, so I usually have to break up my pleas.  But since this is my little slice o' Internet Heaven, I can say all that I want. 

So, the other night I decided I'd really let loose on the ole Twitter machine.

Kim Kardashian was going on and on about how great mother's are.

So, being the resident Twitter Grammar Queen, I Tweeted to Kim about how she was supposed to Tweet "mothers", and not the possessive "mother's".

But you know what I was really saying to Kim in fewer than 140 characters?  This:

"You may be hot, biotch, but I have something you'll never have: basic skills in grammar.  HOLLA!...

...and please follow me!!  Pretty please???"

This, my friends, is why I love Twitter.

Top Ten Reasons Why Daydream Believer Has Not Been Blogging.

One of my favorite celebrities and dearest friends, David Letterman, always has a top ten list on his late-night show, aptly named Late Night with David Letterman.  After having a heart-to-heart with Dave on Skype the other night, I decided the only way to re-introduce myself into the blogging world was to do it via a top-ten list.  So, without further ado, here are the top ten reasons why I temporarily fell off the blogosphere.

10.  I'm pregnant!
9.  I decided a trip to attempt to see the future king and queen of Wales was the best medicine for me, and took an extended weekend to tour London.
8.  This dude named ALF crashed into my garage and has been living with me ever since.  Simultaneously, the cat population in my neighborhood has drastically declined.
7.  Suri Cruise.  Nuff said.
6.  I came down with a horrible illness, which, after being tested for everything under the planet, was finally diagnosed as having Nutella withdrawl (that problem has now been remedied). 
5.  I was shopping around for book agents to publish a memoir about my year in sub-Saharan Africa.
4.  I forgot to pay my Internet bill.
3.  I was trapped in a tower by a horrible witch, and everyday a handsome prince came to said tower and asked me to let down my golden hair so he could climb up and rescue me, but since my hair is in a bob, I ended up having to jump out of the tower on my own accord.  Note: I've never been so happy to have so much junk in my trunk before (shout out to Fergie--HOLLA!).
2.  I'm training to run in the New York Marathon next year.  I am up to seven Snickers bars a day because they're packed with protein.  Unfortunately, I'm only up to running 0.1 miles so far.
1.  I moved to Colorado and am now the proud owner of my own medical marijuana farm called Happy Daze Farms. 

Ok, so I might be slightly lying my ass off exaggerating with some of these reasons, so for old time's sake, let's just blame it all on Suri and call it a day.

My arch-nemesis, Suri "I'm even cute when I'm cross-eyed" Cruise.

I'm baaaaaaack.