I have been doing a lot of work to revamp the ole blog this week, so my Tool of the Week decision was made easy. This week's Tool is HTML Code. I don't even care if I sound like a nerd.
HTML Code, you're an asshole. I hate you.
Cheers to a lovely weekend!
PS: I'm in VEGAS!!! Holla!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sleeping with the Enemy.
It took a long time for me to get used to sleeping with my husband every single night after we were married. I mean, I slept alone for the first twenty-eight years of my life, and suddenly there was another person taking up space in my bed. It was weird.
And then it got cozy. It was hard to fall asleep without him.
And then he went away on business for awhile.
And then my bed became my domain, my happy place.
It was luscious.
But then he came back.
It's been a few weeks now, and I still haven't fully adjusted.
I mean, does he REALLY have to be all up in my grill the entire night? We have a king-sized bed! Let's not pretend we're in a twin, for crying out loud!
Things came to a head the other night, and I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands.
As usual, Hubs was on my side of the bed, his arm around my midsection, his leg on mine.
And then he fell asleep, and let me tell you something: that bastard is HEAVY when he sleeps! His leg started to crush mine. I was beginning to think I was losing circulation. I just lay there, praying he'd turn soon.
He didn't.
Instead, he kept twitching. In fact, he twitched so much that his hand, which had been around my stomach, suddenly crept up and cupped my right breast.
Because this was completely unintentional, I found this hysterical. I wanted him to wake up, realize where his hand was, and get a chuckle out of it.
Alas, gangrene was about to set in, so I had to move before my leg needed to be amputated. I also kicked him a little, in the hopes of him getting the eff away from me.
Instead, he simply put his leg on my OTHER leg, thereby cutting off the circulation in that leg.
I sighed.
I was stuck.
I began singing children's songs in my head, hoping I'd nod off before the numbness set in.
But then I just got angry, so I moved and kicked again.
This time, he took the hint. He moved over to his side of the bed.
I felt triumphant! YAY!
But I also felt completely wide awake! BOO!
Not realizing how close he still was, I turned to move my knee and accidentally kneed him in the butt--not ON the butt, mind you, but actually IN the butt.
The poor thing jumped high into the air and then woke up.
Nervous, I buried my head in the pillow and let out a few snores so that he wouldn't think I meant to do it.
Which I didn't, I swear.
But that night, I fell asleep whilst laughing into my pillow.
That'll teach 'em.
And then it got cozy. It was hard to fall asleep without him.
And then he went away on business for awhile.
And then my bed became my domain, my happy place.
It was luscious.
But then he came back.
It's been a few weeks now, and I still haven't fully adjusted.
I mean, does he REALLY have to be all up in my grill the entire night? We have a king-sized bed! Let's not pretend we're in a twin, for crying out loud!
Things came to a head the other night, and I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands.
As usual, Hubs was on my side of the bed, his arm around my midsection, his leg on mine.
And then he fell asleep, and let me tell you something: that bastard is HEAVY when he sleeps! His leg started to crush mine. I was beginning to think I was losing circulation. I just lay there, praying he'd turn soon.
He didn't.
Instead, he kept twitching. In fact, he twitched so much that his hand, which had been around my stomach, suddenly crept up and cupped my right breast.
Because this was completely unintentional, I found this hysterical. I wanted him to wake up, realize where his hand was, and get a chuckle out of it.
Alas, gangrene was about to set in, so I had to move before my leg needed to be amputated. I also kicked him a little, in the hopes of him getting the eff away from me.
Instead, he simply put his leg on my OTHER leg, thereby cutting off the circulation in that leg.
I sighed.
I was stuck.
I began singing children's songs in my head, hoping I'd nod off before the numbness set in.
But then I just got angry, so I moved and kicked again.
This time, he took the hint. He moved over to his side of the bed.
I felt triumphant! YAY!
But I also felt completely wide awake! BOO!
Not realizing how close he still was, I turned to move my knee and accidentally kneed him in the butt--not ON the butt, mind you, but actually IN the butt.
The poor thing jumped high into the air and then woke up.
Nervous, I buried my head in the pillow and let out a few snores so that he wouldn't think I meant to do it.
Which I didn't, I swear.
But that night, I fell asleep whilst laughing into my pillow.
That'll teach 'em.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Running is...Fun?
My husband is on a health kick and is now working as Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because I'm vain, I refuse to be the fat lard in this relationship, so I've taken matters into my own hands.
For starters, I am on a quasi-diet. I say "quasi" because I'm pretty damn sure the ice cream treats that await me every day in the staff lounge are not a part of any sane weigt loss program.
Then again, this is me, so all sanity is thrown out the window.
Ahem.
Not only am I on a diet, but I've also joined a very swanky gym. This place is like Disney World for adults.
Except it's not as fun, nor are there any awesome food vendors to feed me during my workout.
Ok, so I guess this gym still sucks, but it's a lot less sucky than other gyms I've dropped out of.
I'm not gonna say that I'm the essence of health now, mostly because if it wasn't for the fact that my husband picks my slowly-diminshing ass up every day after school and transports me to the gym, I wouldn't go, but the changes I feel are pretty good.
Because of this, I decided to take the plunge and sign up for my first 5k. I started to do the Couch to 5k program, but I was bored and out grew it. Now I just run on the treadmill. While I had a minor setback today, I am usually able to run the 3.1 miles in forty-four minutes. I know, I still suck, but you have no idea how much of a couch potato I am.
Correction: if you're reading this blog, you realize how much reality television I watch; therefore, you know I am a couch potato.
Carry on.
The most notable place where things have gotten tighter are my thighs. While they are still Jell-o jiggly, they are definitely less...pronounced. Pretty soon, these giant Sequoias will be tiny twigs of muscle and goodness.
I mean, people should just start calling me Twiggy, because I'm going to be one soon.
And when I say "soon", I mean as soon as I've eaten the last of the ice cream bars in the staff lounge.
Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
For starters, I am on a quasi-diet. I say "quasi" because I'm pretty damn sure the ice cream treats that await me every day in the staff lounge are not a part of any sane weigt loss program.
Then again, this is me, so all sanity is thrown out the window.
Ahem.
Not only am I on a diet, but I've also joined a very swanky gym. This place is like Disney World for adults.
Except it's not as fun, nor are there any awesome food vendors to feed me during my workout.
Ok, so I guess this gym still sucks, but it's a lot less sucky than other gyms I've dropped out of.
I'm not gonna say that I'm the essence of health now, mostly because if it wasn't for the fact that my husband picks my slowly-diminshing ass up every day after school and transports me to the gym, I wouldn't go, but the changes I feel are pretty good.
Because of this, I decided to take the plunge and sign up for my first 5k. I started to do the Couch to 5k program, but I was bored and out grew it. Now I just run on the treadmill. While I had a minor setback today, I am usually able to run the 3.1 miles in forty-four minutes. I know, I still suck, but you have no idea how much of a couch potato I am.
Correction: if you're reading this blog, you realize how much reality television I watch; therefore, you know I am a couch potato.
Carry on.
The most notable place where things have gotten tighter are my thighs. While they are still Jell-o jiggly, they are definitely less...pronounced. Pretty soon, these giant Sequoias will be tiny twigs of muscle and goodness.
I mean, people should just start calling me Twiggy, because I'm going to be one soon.
And when I say "soon", I mean as soon as I've eaten the last of the ice cream bars in the staff lounge.
Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Hot Mess Monday.
Yes, folks, it's another review of Bachelor Pad. Yawn.
So, this week, Jake is still campaigning to save his own balls, using his puppy dog eyes whenever convenient. If he starts crying, I may try to jump out my one-story window.
The challenge this week is to perform a synchronized swimming routine, guys against girls. In order to make it easier, each team had a professional synchronizer? Swimmer? I don't know what you call them.
Anyway.
So the girls practiced, the guys practiced, and both Vienna and Jake went on and on and on about how much they needed to win the competition.
Both teams performed their routine, both sucked, and several people almost drowned. Unfortunately, there were lifeguards on duty. Sigh.
Then the judges, last year's Bachelor Pad winners, Natalie and David, came out. Woo. Also, a professional judge came out. They judged both routines and decided that the best synchronized swimmers were Michelle Money and Michael.
Jake is pissed because he thinks he's screwed. Little does he know that his Speedo package caught the attention of the drunken Erica, the princess. She is on a prowl, and this kitten wants action--and not just any action, but JAKE action. Me-ow!
Each winner gets to choose three peeps to take on a date. Michelle decides to take Graham, mostly because she knows how annoyed America gets with the way in which she says his name. Seriously, it's worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. She also decides to take Kasey and Blake along for the ride.
On their date, Michelle corners Gra-ham and tells him she has feelings for him. She doesn't stop when he says, "But you don't know me." Later on, she discloses to the camera that Gra-ham is one of the best guys she's ever met. You know, for the whole three days she's known him. She gives Gra-ham the immunity rose, they make out, and Gra-ham tells America that he could fall for Michelle.
Finally, Michael takes his gals on a date. Michael decides to take Ella, Vienna, and Holly on a date. Holly doesn't want to go on the date because she's sick of hanging with her ex-fiance. You see, Michael's still totally in love with Holly, but Holly could give to shizzes (that's the plural of shiz) about him. All she wants to do is dry hump Blake, who is trying to get away from Crazy Melissa.
The happy foursome get on some horses. Vienna starts complaining right away. She thinks it's disgusting, she has to wear a helmet, and it's too hot. It's really such a shame that the horse didn't go all rogue on her and buck her off.
Her face would probably look better after that.
Did I just type that? Oops.
Michael pulls Holly aside and once again tells her how much he loves her. He starts to cry. Holly tells him that she misses him. Later, she tells the camera that deep down, she doesn't think they should be together.
Guess what, Holly? You're leading this poor man on and you're a bad person. Nice work, butthole.
Back on the ranch, Blake starts kissing up to Psycho Melissa because he knows if he doesn't, he'll get his ass voted down. Jake also tries to start kissing up. He tries to convince the guys that this is the week to vote Kasey off of the show. Like Jake, I also have no idea why everyone is kissing up to Vienna and Kasey. Why do the two stupidest people have the power?
Speaking of the two stupidest people, there is trouble in paradise, people. Kasey gets pissed at Vienna for "being nice" to Jake. He then verbally berates her in front of her little friends whilst poolside. He's such a tool.
Out of nowhere, Jake and Erica start making out. Erica said it was hot, tooting her own horn by saying she keeps her lips "maintained" by getting them pumped up every six months. That explains why she constantly looks like her face just got stung by a group of wasps.
After cleaning up the vomit I produced whilst watching Jake and Erica swap spit, I decided to do some kickboxing moves to get rid of some anger this show has brought out.
And then Michael gave Holly the rose and she accepted. Wench.
Then, out of nowhere, Bret Michaels and his tour bus appeared.
Um, WTF?
Bret, you should be ashamed of yourself.
And then he plays "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" to them while they ride around in his tour bus.
I'm not even effing lying.
I mean, not even I, the queen of bullshit, could make this...well, bullshit, up.
The next three minutes or so were spent watching these two people awkwardly watching Bret sing to them.
Poor Bret. His career must really be in the shitter.
Bret wishes the two the best, he peaces out, and Holly and Michael are left choking in the dust.
Oh, but then the night got really special: it's Kasey's and Vienna's six-month anniversary!!
AWWWWWWW!!!!
He takes her out on the patio for dinner. He gives her a tiny box. She says, "I don't want it t be an engagement ring!" He's like, "Why would you say that, you dumb whore? It's just a promise ring."
"YAY!" she squeals.
And then he starts singing to her, an original, spontaneous song.
OMG, you guys. If you didn't watch it, you just missed out on hearing the next Grammy winner for Best Original Song.
Then Erica sees Jake and Melissa talking in the hot tub. Erica, being a drunk, goes all psycho and goes over to eavesdrop.
Erica goes to the kitchen to tell all of the girls, who are apparently cooking homemade fettuccine alfredo with chicken.
Tsk Tsk, ladies! That's a lot of empty calories to eat so late at night!
Ooh! But then it gets even better!
Melissa finds out that Erica is talking smack on her, so she confronts Erica. Basically, Erica tells her to go sell crazy somewhere else; we're all filled up here (thank you, Jack Nicholson), and Erica goes all batshit crazy and says she's going home.
To add insult to injury, Blake tells her before the rose ceremony that he just wants to be platonic partners with her. She tells the camera that the only one who hasn't betrayed her is Jake. Sobbing, she tells Jake that she wants to go home. Jake says she is aching for comfort, so that's what he gives her. Then they escape to the bathroom.
Because that's where people go to have normal conversations. To the john. Perhaps they caressed over the bidet, I don't really know.
And then Chris B. Harrison walks in (not to the bathroom, but the main room) and tells everyone that all of the women are safe, and only one man will be going home tomorrow.
Vienna, of course, practically rips Jake's picture out of his frame. Erica goes around and offers hand jobs to anyone who promises NOT to vote for Jake. Melissa takes her up on the offer, and suddenly, they're BFFs again.
Will, who hasn't been seen for the entire episode, breaks the news to Kasey that oodles of peeps are voting him off tonight.
You mean I can actually watch this show and not strain my ears to understand what the Kase-man is saying?! It's gotta be too good to be true.
And then Vienna gets in Erica's grill and says, "We didn't come here to break up friendships!"
Um, yeah, V, because you don't have friends.
And then Jake pulls Kasey aside, to tell him something. Honestly, I have no idea what he said to him, I guess he got a case of the Kaseys, and then they shook hands.
Vienna says "it's just wrong" for people to vote off Kasey, even though she doesn't tell us why it's wrong. Erica says it's pathetic that they're letting a trailer-trash girl and a tattooed guy running their lives. Amen, sister. Amen.
Today, luck is not with Jake. He is the weakest link, goodbye.
And then the screen goes blank. Until that weird dude from Ashley's season, the one with the mask, starts synchronized swimming in the pool. DUMB.
I should be getting paid to watch this filth. Speaking of filth, my mom is gonna KILL me when she counts on the swear words in this post.
Oopsies...
So, this week, Jake is still campaigning to save his own balls, using his puppy dog eyes whenever convenient. If he starts crying, I may try to jump out my one-story window.
The challenge this week is to perform a synchronized swimming routine, guys against girls. In order to make it easier, each team had a professional synchronizer? Swimmer? I don't know what you call them.
Anyway.
So the girls practiced, the guys practiced, and both Vienna and Jake went on and on and on about how much they needed to win the competition.
Both teams performed their routine, both sucked, and several people almost drowned. Unfortunately, there were lifeguards on duty. Sigh.
Then the judges, last year's Bachelor Pad winners, Natalie and David, came out. Woo. Also, a professional judge came out. They judged both routines and decided that the best synchronized swimmers were Michelle Money and Michael.
Jake is pissed because he thinks he's screwed. Little does he know that his Speedo package caught the attention of the drunken Erica, the princess. She is on a prowl, and this kitten wants action--and not just any action, but JAKE action. Me-ow!
Each winner gets to choose three peeps to take on a date. Michelle decides to take Graham, mostly because she knows how annoyed America gets with the way in which she says his name. Seriously, it's worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. She also decides to take Kasey and Blake along for the ride.
On their date, Michelle corners Gra-ham and tells him she has feelings for him. She doesn't stop when he says, "But you don't know me." Later on, she discloses to the camera that Gra-ham is one of the best guys she's ever met. You know, for the whole three days she's known him. She gives Gra-ham the immunity rose, they make out, and Gra-ham tells America that he could fall for Michelle.
Finally, Michael takes his gals on a date. Michael decides to take Ella, Vienna, and Holly on a date. Holly doesn't want to go on the date because she's sick of hanging with her ex-fiance. You see, Michael's still totally in love with Holly, but Holly could give to shizzes (that's the plural of shiz) about him. All she wants to do is dry hump Blake, who is trying to get away from Crazy Melissa.
The happy foursome get on some horses. Vienna starts complaining right away. She thinks it's disgusting, she has to wear a helmet, and it's too hot. It's really such a shame that the horse didn't go all rogue on her and buck her off.
Her face would probably look better after that.
Did I just type that? Oops.
Michael pulls Holly aside and once again tells her how much he loves her. He starts to cry. Holly tells him that she misses him. Later, she tells the camera that deep down, she doesn't think they should be together.
Guess what, Holly? You're leading this poor man on and you're a bad person. Nice work, butthole.
Back on the ranch, Blake starts kissing up to Psycho Melissa because he knows if he doesn't, he'll get his ass voted down. Jake also tries to start kissing up. He tries to convince the guys that this is the week to vote Kasey off of the show. Like Jake, I also have no idea why everyone is kissing up to Vienna and Kasey. Why do the two stupidest people have the power?
Speaking of the two stupidest people, there is trouble in paradise, people. Kasey gets pissed at Vienna for "being nice" to Jake. He then verbally berates her in front of her little friends whilst poolside. He's such a tool.
Out of nowhere, Jake and Erica start making out. Erica said it was hot, tooting her own horn by saying she keeps her lips "maintained" by getting them pumped up every six months. That explains why she constantly looks like her face just got stung by a group of wasps.
After cleaning up the vomit I produced whilst watching Jake and Erica swap spit, I decided to do some kickboxing moves to get rid of some anger this show has brought out.
And then Michael gave Holly the rose and she accepted. Wench.
Then, out of nowhere, Bret Michaels and his tour bus appeared.
Um, WTF?
Bret, you should be ashamed of yourself.
And then he plays "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" to them while they ride around in his tour bus.
I'm not even effing lying.
I mean, not even I, the queen of bullshit, could make this...well, bullshit, up.
The next three minutes or so were spent watching these two people awkwardly watching Bret sing to them.
Poor Bret. His career must really be in the shitter.
Bret wishes the two the best, he peaces out, and Holly and Michael are left choking in the dust.
Oh, but then the night got really special: it's Kasey's and Vienna's six-month anniversary!!
AWWWWWWW!!!!
He takes her out on the patio for dinner. He gives her a tiny box. She says, "I don't want it t be an engagement ring!" He's like, "Why would you say that, you dumb whore? It's just a promise ring."
"YAY!" she squeals.
And then he starts singing to her, an original, spontaneous song.
OMG, you guys. If you didn't watch it, you just missed out on hearing the next Grammy winner for Best Original Song.
Then Erica sees Jake and Melissa talking in the hot tub. Erica, being a drunk, goes all psycho and goes over to eavesdrop.
Erica goes to the kitchen to tell all of the girls, who are apparently cooking homemade fettuccine alfredo with chicken.
Tsk Tsk, ladies! That's a lot of empty calories to eat so late at night!
Ooh! But then it gets even better!
Melissa finds out that Erica is talking smack on her, so she confronts Erica. Basically, Erica tells her to go sell crazy somewhere else; we're all filled up here (thank you, Jack Nicholson), and Erica goes all batshit crazy and says she's going home.
To add insult to injury, Blake tells her before the rose ceremony that he just wants to be platonic partners with her. She tells the camera that the only one who hasn't betrayed her is Jake. Sobbing, she tells Jake that she wants to go home. Jake says she is aching for comfort, so that's what he gives her. Then they escape to the bathroom.
Because that's where people go to have normal conversations. To the john. Perhaps they caressed over the bidet, I don't really know.
And then Chris B. Harrison walks in (not to the bathroom, but the main room) and tells everyone that all of the women are safe, and only one man will be going home tomorrow.
Vienna, of course, practically rips Jake's picture out of his frame. Erica goes around and offers hand jobs to anyone who promises NOT to vote for Jake. Melissa takes her up on the offer, and suddenly, they're BFFs again.
Will, who hasn't been seen for the entire episode, breaks the news to Kasey that oodles of peeps are voting him off tonight.
You mean I can actually watch this show and not strain my ears to understand what the Kase-man is saying?! It's gotta be too good to be true.
And then Vienna gets in Erica's grill and says, "We didn't come here to break up friendships!"
Um, yeah, V, because you don't have friends.
And then Jake pulls Kasey aside, to tell him something. Honestly, I have no idea what he said to him, I guess he got a case of the Kaseys, and then they shook hands.
Vienna says "it's just wrong" for people to vote off Kasey, even though she doesn't tell us why it's wrong. Erica says it's pathetic that they're letting a trailer-trash girl and a tattooed guy running their lives. Amen, sister. Amen.
Today, luck is not with Jake. He is the weakest link, goodbye.
And then the screen goes blank. Until that weird dude from Ashley's season, the one with the mask, starts synchronized swimming in the pool. DUMB.
I should be getting paid to watch this filth. Speaking of filth, my mom is gonna KILL me when she counts on the swear words in this post.
Oopsies...
Monday, August 22, 2011
The Year of Royal Weddings.
That's right: Kim and her ass married her one true love (besides her first husband, of course), Kris Humphries, a professional basketball player. Like every other American woman, I am eagerly awaiting official photos of the wedding, and will even buy the special edition of People Magazine.
Just kidding. Kind of.
Anyway, these two weddings had several things in common. First, the maids of honor wore white. And all three (Kim had both Kardashian sisters stand up for her) were the sisters of the bride.
Sadly, though, that's where the similiarities ended.
Somehow, I really don't think Pippa Middleton's wedding speech was anything near Khloe's, who screamed, "SHAKE YOUR TITS!" at her sister's wedding.
God Bless America.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Bachelor Pad 2: The Fun Continues!
Ok, so on last night's episode, the craziness continued. LOVE IT!! Chris B. Harrison wasted no time in setting up the immunity challenge. This week, the men had to line up by the pool. Each guy had a target on their back. Then a girl would come out, Chris B. would ask her a super hard question, and then the girl would have to answer the question by hitting a dude with a giant paint ball. The questions were: 1. Who should be voted off this week?; 2. Who are you least attracted to?; 3. I had to take a bathroom break and didn't hear the last question. Anyway, Jake was hit the most. Melissa won, scoring all three hits. And then the guys were up. Michael ended up winning. Jake was uber-depressed because he knows his time is coming to an end at the maxi pad. The princess was hit the most, and she was all sobby because obviously the boys don't find her attractive, and since these people have the mentality of middle schoolers, she thinks their opinions actually matter in life. The princess, a size four, says that she can't help it if she's naturally curvaceous, as opposed to the other contestants, size twos, who are thin and have fake boobs.
Dude, if that girl is fat, I wanna be that fat. And if her boobs are real, I want my boobs to look like that.
Ok, maybe they're not the only ones who belong back in middle school. I digress.
Anyway, Michael gets to choose three women to bring with him on a hot date. He chooses Holly, his ex-fiancee, the princess, and Michelle Money. Their date is at a haunted hospital. I guess they thought it'd be a nice change, you know, to scare the contestants, but if Vienna's new 'do didn't scare them off, I don't think anything can get to these freaks.
Michelle tells Holly that she feels that Holly and Michael still have that lovin' feeling. Holly was like, "Huh? Where's the Jell-o shots?"
Michelle decides to eff with people's minds, so she goes to talk to Michael. Next thing we know, Michael is whipping out his rose (not a euphemism) and giving it to Holly. Then he takes her outside to talk. Michael becomes a sweet, blubbering fool, and Holly feels awkward so she starts to fake cry. This goes on for a bit, and poor Michael is a shell of the man he used to be.
Poor thing.
Holly, you're a wench. I hate you.
Then Melissa gets to choose three peeps. She chooses Kasey, Kirk/Kurt/I don't effing know, and Blake. Word on the street has it that Melissa is into Blake. He says he wants no "part of that", but he'll play along for the money. Blake, you're an effing dentist. You've made your fortune. I hate you, too.
Melissa talks to Kasey, telling him she'll give him the rose tonight. She thinks K-ster will save her later on in the show. She's so dumb. Kasey compares himself to the Godfather, although I really have no idea how he sees that connection. I went to a sub shop this weekend that had a Godfather sub, so perhaps he's actually saying he's a piece of capicola? IDK.
Then the three guys are screaming and jumping off the yacht to get away from Melissa. She says, "These guys are hot. This is how it feels to be the Bachelorette, and I like it." Poor thing.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jake is agonizing over what to do about his time on the show. Kirk/Kurt says, "Jake knows he's dead." Wow, I didn't know they actually killed the contestants when they were voted off! What a spectacular ratings ploy, ABC! Kudos to you!
Jake has no choice, so he goes to where the girls are congregated around Vienna as she talks mad smack about Jake. Jake says, "I'm sorry to interrupt; V, can I talk to you outside for two minutes?"
He called her V. Their bond is obviously still strong. I predict wedding bells in 2012!
Vienna says, "I don't feel comfortable talking to you without Kasey." Funny, she felt extremely comfortable without Kasey when she was doing those guys in the bathroom.
The girls are starting to catch on that Vienna is a lying biotch. She sits there and sips her Mich Ultra while Jake patrols the perimeter of the grounds.
Back on the yacht, Blake makes the moves on Melissa, with the sole motive of getting that rose. It works. Melissa, you're so easy! All it takes is a freaking make-out session and you're changing your mind? Whatevs, girlfriend.
Kasey is LIVID. He calls Melissa a bad person.
This show is totally everything that's wrong in today's schools. Why are the horrible people always running the show? Why do they get voted prom queens and kings? Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! Yes, I'm still bitter. Deal with it.
But seriously, Kasey can't speak properly, and Vienna is...Vienna. Why the hell are they the "cool" kids who everyone is scared of?
I really wish ABC would hire me to be the resident psychiatrist.
I mean, I know my degrees are in literature and literacy, but these people obviously can't read, so maybe we can work on those skills on the side? I don't know, Chris B., I'm just talking out of the top of my head, but please call me, girlfriend.
Mean Girl Holly rears her ugly head with Blake. She keeps calling Melissa his girlfriend. They laugh about it. They suck.
Melissa turns into Single White Female and says that Blake has feelings for her.
Wait a minute--the girl was on The Bachelor, right? She knows these shows are fake, correct?
Melissa joins Holly and Blake on the bed. They start giggling and ignoring Melissa. Holly leaves to get "water", and Melissa is staring at Blake. Blake says he needs to handle her with kid gloves. Melissa says she wants no drama.
Of course she doesn't. That's why she's on this show.
Melissa is crying her eyes out. Blake just wants to stab his.
Jake then confronts Kasey and Vienna. Kasey, with Vienna by his side, found a pair of false balls and starts to tell Jake off. Jake looks at him, dumbfounded, probably because he couldn't understand a damn word he was saying.
Jake said he plans to donate all of the money to charity. Vienna laughs and says he's 233,000 dollars in debt from his limo company. Kasey tells him to go home, Jake storms off, and then Vienna and Kasey start dry humping and making out.
Then Kasey shows us his tattoo and says "It's beating. It's throbbing." I am pretty sure he's talking about his tattoo, but then again, it is Kasey. Then he looks at the camera and says, "It's guard and protect time. Are you ready?"
Oh, I'm ready.
Vienna accuses Chris B. Harrison of sabotaging everything by forcing Jake into the house. She also claims ABC forced the two of them to break up on national television. Chris says, "There are two doors, bitch. Let me know which one you'd like to use."
I love that man!
Then Chris throws another curveball: no men will be leaving. Two of the women will be bidding adieu.
Vienna says that she and Kasey aren't doing this because it's cheating. Kasey is like, "V, if you wanna go home, let's go home. Just pack your bags and we'll go." But Vienna is still a fame whore, and so they stay. Of course.
Michelle Money tells Jake that he should just go home because he's done all that he can and he'll be going home next week.
Gia and Graham have a secret meeting. Apparently, Gia is "friends" with Graham, too. Gia's like, "I can totally trust Graham with my life." And then Kasey comes out and tells her that Graham loves her to death, but he ratted her out.
Gia is PISSED. She's all, "They aren't even getting a rose ceremony outta me. I'm gonna say my two cents and then I'm outta here." Gia fake cries and says she's walking out.
Please, sweet Jesus, just walk the hell out, Gia!!
Gia, whilst crying, says that everyone is so sneaky and cheats. Then she says that's not the way she is. WTF, Gia??! This is your second time on the show! Chris B. apologizes, Gia leaves, and I do a victory dance.
All of the girls decide to vote off Ella. They all kiss her pic and then put it in the Box of Death. The guys want to keep Ella, though, so they decide to vote for someone else.
Ames makes a deal with the devil, Kasey, in order to save Jackie. Kasey totally backstabs Ames and agrees to vote Jackie off as soon as Ames skips happily off to Grandma's house. Kasey is not a man of his word, he has no morals, so he really doesn't care if he lies to someone's face.
Melissa has had it with Blake's shit, so she "dumps" him. She tells the camera that she has saved him, winning competitions for the two of them left and right.
Bitch, you won ONE competition, you moron.
She tells all of the girls that she's done with him, and that she's so mad that she's shaking. And then she applies lip gloss with perfect accuracy.
She wants to know when it's her turn to have a Kasey-Vienna or a Jackie and Ames. Um, I don't know about Jackie and Ames, but if you want a Kasey-Vienna, just go get yourself a raging case of herpes and you're good to go, girlfriend. Good luck with that.
In the end, Jackie gets voted off. Ames, in his fuchsia pant, walks Jackie out. Judging from the goodbye, I'd say that Ames is way more into Jackie than she is him, but I still gve them my blessing. They're gonna need it.
Not really.
Because ten Ames waves goodbye to everyone and gets in the limo with Jackie. It was freaking awesome and I am not even lying: I freaking cried.
I effing KNEW Ames was awesome!!
YAY!
Next week involves man packages, synchronized swimming, and Jake making out with Princess Erica, who has had way too much Botox...and way too much alcohol.
This show makes my life look awesome. I'm going to go snuggle with the hubs now. Amen.
Dude, if that girl is fat, I wanna be that fat. And if her boobs are real, I want my boobs to look like that.
Ok, maybe they're not the only ones who belong back in middle school. I digress.
Anyway, Michael gets to choose three women to bring with him on a hot date. He chooses Holly, his ex-fiancee, the princess, and Michelle Money. Their date is at a haunted hospital. I guess they thought it'd be a nice change, you know, to scare the contestants, but if Vienna's new 'do didn't scare them off, I don't think anything can get to these freaks.
Michelle tells Holly that she feels that Holly and Michael still have that lovin' feeling. Holly was like, "Huh? Where's the Jell-o shots?"
Michelle decides to eff with people's minds, so she goes to talk to Michael. Next thing we know, Michael is whipping out his rose (not a euphemism) and giving it to Holly. Then he takes her outside to talk. Michael becomes a sweet, blubbering fool, and Holly feels awkward so she starts to fake cry. This goes on for a bit, and poor Michael is a shell of the man he used to be.
Poor thing.
Holly, you're a wench. I hate you.
Then Melissa gets to choose three peeps. She chooses Kasey, Kirk/Kurt/I don't effing know, and Blake. Word on the street has it that Melissa is into Blake. He says he wants no "part of that", but he'll play along for the money. Blake, you're an effing dentist. You've made your fortune. I hate you, too.
Melissa talks to Kasey, telling him she'll give him the rose tonight. She thinks K-ster will save her later on in the show. She's so dumb. Kasey compares himself to the Godfather, although I really have no idea how he sees that connection. I went to a sub shop this weekend that had a Godfather sub, so perhaps he's actually saying he's a piece of capicola? IDK.
Then the three guys are screaming and jumping off the yacht to get away from Melissa. She says, "These guys are hot. This is how it feels to be the Bachelorette, and I like it." Poor thing.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jake is agonizing over what to do about his time on the show. Kirk/Kurt says, "Jake knows he's dead." Wow, I didn't know they actually killed the contestants when they were voted off! What a spectacular ratings ploy, ABC! Kudos to you!
Jake has no choice, so he goes to where the girls are congregated around Vienna as she talks mad smack about Jake. Jake says, "I'm sorry to interrupt; V, can I talk to you outside for two minutes?"
He called her V. Their bond is obviously still strong. I predict wedding bells in 2012!
Vienna says, "I don't feel comfortable talking to you without Kasey." Funny, she felt extremely comfortable without Kasey when she was doing those guys in the bathroom.
The girls are starting to catch on that Vienna is a lying biotch. She sits there and sips her Mich Ultra while Jake patrols the perimeter of the grounds.
Back on the yacht, Blake makes the moves on Melissa, with the sole motive of getting that rose. It works. Melissa, you're so easy! All it takes is a freaking make-out session and you're changing your mind? Whatevs, girlfriend.
Kasey is LIVID. He calls Melissa a bad person.
This show is totally everything that's wrong in today's schools. Why are the horrible people always running the show? Why do they get voted prom queens and kings? Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! Yes, I'm still bitter. Deal with it.
But seriously, Kasey can't speak properly, and Vienna is...Vienna. Why the hell are they the "cool" kids who everyone is scared of?
I really wish ABC would hire me to be the resident psychiatrist.
I mean, I know my degrees are in literature and literacy, but these people obviously can't read, so maybe we can work on those skills on the side? I don't know, Chris B., I'm just talking out of the top of my head, but please call me, girlfriend.
Mean Girl Holly rears her ugly head with Blake. She keeps calling Melissa his girlfriend. They laugh about it. They suck.
Melissa turns into Single White Female and says that Blake has feelings for her.
Wait a minute--the girl was on The Bachelor, right? She knows these shows are fake, correct?
Melissa joins Holly and Blake on the bed. They start giggling and ignoring Melissa. Holly leaves to get "water", and Melissa is staring at Blake. Blake says he needs to handle her with kid gloves. Melissa says she wants no drama.
Of course she doesn't. That's why she's on this show.
Melissa is crying her eyes out. Blake just wants to stab his.
Jake then confronts Kasey and Vienna. Kasey, with Vienna by his side, found a pair of false balls and starts to tell Jake off. Jake looks at him, dumbfounded, probably because he couldn't understand a damn word he was saying.
Jake said he plans to donate all of the money to charity. Vienna laughs and says he's 233,000 dollars in debt from his limo company. Kasey tells him to go home, Jake storms off, and then Vienna and Kasey start dry humping and making out.
Then Kasey shows us his tattoo and says "It's beating. It's throbbing." I am pretty sure he's talking about his tattoo, but then again, it is Kasey. Then he looks at the camera and says, "It's guard and protect time. Are you ready?"
Oh, I'm ready.
Vienna accuses Chris B. Harrison of sabotaging everything by forcing Jake into the house. She also claims ABC forced the two of them to break up on national television. Chris says, "There are two doors, bitch. Let me know which one you'd like to use."
I love that man!
Then Chris throws another curveball: no men will be leaving. Two of the women will be bidding adieu.
Vienna says that she and Kasey aren't doing this because it's cheating. Kasey is like, "V, if you wanna go home, let's go home. Just pack your bags and we'll go." But Vienna is still a fame whore, and so they stay. Of course.
Michelle Money tells Jake that he should just go home because he's done all that he can and he'll be going home next week.
Gia and Graham have a secret meeting. Apparently, Gia is "friends" with Graham, too. Gia's like, "I can totally trust Graham with my life." And then Kasey comes out and tells her that Graham loves her to death, but he ratted her out.
Gia is PISSED. She's all, "They aren't even getting a rose ceremony outta me. I'm gonna say my two cents and then I'm outta here." Gia fake cries and says she's walking out.
Please, sweet Jesus, just walk the hell out, Gia!!
Gia, whilst crying, says that everyone is so sneaky and cheats. Then she says that's not the way she is. WTF, Gia??! This is your second time on the show! Chris B. apologizes, Gia leaves, and I do a victory dance.
All of the girls decide to vote off Ella. They all kiss her pic and then put it in the Box of Death. The guys want to keep Ella, though, so they decide to vote for someone else.
Ames makes a deal with the devil, Kasey, in order to save Jackie. Kasey totally backstabs Ames and agrees to vote Jackie off as soon as Ames skips happily off to Grandma's house. Kasey is not a man of his word, he has no morals, so he really doesn't care if he lies to someone's face.
Melissa has had it with Blake's shit, so she "dumps" him. She tells the camera that she has saved him, winning competitions for the two of them left and right.
Bitch, you won ONE competition, you moron.
She tells all of the girls that she's done with him, and that she's so mad that she's shaking. And then she applies lip gloss with perfect accuracy.
She wants to know when it's her turn to have a Kasey-Vienna or a Jackie and Ames. Um, I don't know about Jackie and Ames, but if you want a Kasey-Vienna, just go get yourself a raging case of herpes and you're good to go, girlfriend. Good luck with that.
In the end, Jackie gets voted off. Ames, in his fuchsia pant, walks Jackie out. Judging from the goodbye, I'd say that Ames is way more into Jackie than she is him, but I still gve them my blessing. They're gonna need it.
Not really.
Because ten Ames waves goodbye to everyone and gets in the limo with Jackie. It was freaking awesome and I am not even lying: I freaking cried.
I effing KNEW Ames was awesome!!
YAY!
Next week involves man packages, synchronized swimming, and Jake making out with Princess Erica, who has had way too much Botox...and way too much alcohol.
This show makes my life look awesome. I'm going to go snuggle with the hubs now. Amen.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Bachelor Pad 2: In the Land of Hot Messes.
I finally got a chance to sit down and watch the 143-minute (I am exhausted) ep.
So, let's get down to business. I can't really remember everyone who's on the show, so I'll just tell you who I remember: first, Justin, Rated-R. I like him on this show, and I kinda like Justin. At least he's up front about being an asshole. Also on board is this girl Holly. I never watched the season that she was on, but apparently she used to be engaged to another dude from another season, Michael. During her segment, she sat on her bed and trashed all of the photo albums from when she and Michael were together. She did all of this whilst the beautiful engagement ring Michael had given her sat on her nightstand. Um, dude? Get that effing ring back. And girlfriend? Give that effing ring back. Don't just set it on your nightstand, you freaking weirdo.
Next we have Erica, from Lorenzo's season. I don't know who Lorenzo is, but apparently, Erica is a princess because she wears a tiara and says that she's sick of living off of her trust fund money. It's time to make her own money!
Then we have Vienna and Kasey. Yes, folks! The man who promised to guard and protect Ali's heart is now guarding and protecting Vienna's shoddy nose job. The K-man is also sporting a new tattoo. From what I could see, it was his last name on his left wrist. I guess that's so if he ever forgets it, he needs only to look at his wrist and BAM! there it is! How convenient!
Then we have Gia. Gia was bitching about Vienna being on the show because she's a "fame whore". Um, yeah, because Gia isn't at all. I mean, she's only been on The Bachelor and BOTH seasons of The Bachelor Pad. I hate her SO much.
Also on this season is everyone's favorite bachelor, JAKE!!! He's all weepy and says he still loves Vienna. I really don't know how he could be with V's hideous new haircut. She really looks like she's been rode hard and put away wet. Or is it rode wet and put away hard? I don't effing know, but whatever it is, Vienna is it.
Also, my boy Ames is on!! Hooray!! And he's already making out with Jackie, a fellow New Yorker!! I have they have lots of babies with porcelain veneers and funky noses!
Who cares who else is on the show?
Anyway, so the first contest the folks had to endure was quite sexual. Basically, a guy was in a harness, and a girl had to wrap her legs around him. Then the couples were suspended in the air. The winners were the ones who lasted the longest. In the end, it came down to Vienna and Kasey, and Jackie and Jake. Jake was able to delay orgasm the longest, and so he and Jackie won and got a free date night in the city.
Kasey and Vienna got in a fight in the hot tub. Vienna was pissed that Kasey dropped her. But don't worry, people: they made up and Kasey told Vienna that he loves her more than his grandmother's peanut butter cookies.
That's deep, you guys.
Gia is also pissed at Will from Ashley's season. She was all, "I'm a tiny girl, but Will didn't care enough to protect me." WTF, Gia? She probably also thinks that Carly Simon's song is about her.
Whilst on their date, Jake and Jackie are able to give a rose to someone they would like to make immune. After much consideration, Jake and Jackie decide to save Vienna. Jake thinks this will put him back in Vienna's favor. He feels guilty, though, because he and Gia are close friends. And by close friends, I mean they've done each other on several occasions.
After Jake announces that he's giving the rose to Vienna, Gia runs off crying and says that he's betrayed her. I love how Gia thinks the world revolves around her. Yes, Gia, everyone is thinking about you every second of every day. I know I can't make it through my afternoon without saying a silent prayer for you. And do you want to know what I ask God for in that prayer? I ask God and the baby Jesus to send a real job down for you. I'm sick of your face.
Gia then decides it's totally appropriate to sit on the kitchen counter in her bathing suit. Um, girlfriend, we don't know where your cooch has been. I certainly hope they have some Lysol disinfectant wipes in the pad.
The last five hours of the show were spent plotting and make alliances. It was pretty boring, but we did get to see Vienna strip down and get into bed with Kasey. They laugh about how Jake gave them the rose. Vienna called listening to his apology "torturous". She's such a slut. I love her.
I also tried to convince my husband to go on the next Bachelorette so we could create a scandal and perhaps make some honest tabloid money out of the deal, but he said, and I quote, "I would rather cut my own balls off than go on that show." Thanks, honey, for taking one for the team.
There were lots of pregnant pauses during the rose ceremony. After much dramatic music and lots of wishes and hopes from Chris B. Harrison, it was determined that Rated-R and Ali were going home.
Rated-R then dissed Kasey and stole Jake's rose. Ali said she felt blindsided, even though people had conversations with her about how her head was on the chopping block.
What a pinhead.
Back at the house, Kasey proclaims himself a "Jedi-genius master", but with his weird speech impediment, it comes out as, "Waha wahaa wahhaa".
The upcoming episodes look to be filled with sex, lies, and drama.
And we all know this mama likes drama.
Stay tuned for the second installment of this wonderful show tomorrow.
Friday, August 12, 2011
TGIF and Tool o' the Week!
HAPPY FRIDAY! I can finally say that I've been working for the weekend, since we are back to school. Waaah. I want my summer back!
Anyhoo, important matters are at hand. I was so torn over Tool of the Week. Honestly, I dealt with a lot of tools this weekend, including myself. Yes, I may be beautiful and talented, but sometimes I'm a tool. I mean, I'm still human.
I was all set to name a different Tool of the Week when I had no choice but to choose another.
This week's tool is...
My P.O.S. Toshiba laptop. Purchased less than a year ago, this laptop is slow, stupid, and likes to forget to put in letters I KNOW I've typed. In fact, I had to re-type that sentence several times before all of the letters appeared.
I'll give you an example:
This s me typing allof the letters. Notice how some of them are missing? Including spaces? GAH.
So, Toshiba laptop, you take the effing cake this week.
I hate you.
P.S. I want a Macbook.
Anyhoo, important matters are at hand. I was so torn over Tool of the Week. Honestly, I dealt with a lot of tools this weekend, including myself. Yes, I may be beautiful and talented, but sometimes I'm a tool. I mean, I'm still human.
I was all set to name a different Tool of the Week when I had no choice but to choose another.
This week's tool is...
My P.O.S. Toshiba laptop. Purchased less than a year ago, this laptop is slow, stupid, and likes to forget to put in letters I KNOW I've typed. In fact, I had to re-type that sentence several times before all of the letters appeared.
I'll give you an example:
This s me typing allof the letters. Notice how some of them are missing? Including spaces? GAH.
So, Toshiba laptop, you take the effing cake this week.
I hate you.
P.S. I want a Macbook.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Just Call Me Cyclops.
First, I'd just like to apologize for all two of you who were hoping I'd post a blog about Bachelor Pad 2. Unfortunately, I spent Monday night at my mother-in-law's, and as a result, I was unable to watch the pig dogs porking by the pool. I am going to try to watch it this week, and will hopefully have a post for you in the near future.
Ok, so I was at my mother-in-law's and the hubs and I were relaxing poolside when I decided to take my contacts out for the night. I reached for the contact lens solution, filled the lens case up, and deposited my contacts into said case.
When I woke up the next morning, I tried to put the contacts into my eyes. I immediately began screaming in pain. The pain was so great, in fact, that it brought me to my knees. My husband had to guide me to the bathroom where I was finally able to grab the contact and get it out of my burning eye.
This is when I realized that the solution I had used to clean my contacts with was this:
This is not saline solution. This product is actually hydrogen peroxide, and it's supposed to be used with a special lens case.
My dumb ass did not realize this, and as a result, I literally seared my eye.
Think about it: salmon is supposed to be seared. Steaks are seared. But eyes? No, eyes are not supposed to be seared. Ever.
We had to haul ass to the airport, so I figured I'd just wear my glasses. I still did not realized just how serious the situation was. In fact, it wasn't until we were in the air for our four-hour flight that it dawned on me.
Mostly because my eye was swollen, runny, and completely blood red.
You can just imagine how awesome I was to everyone I encountered on this trip.
I wanted to strangle the little kid behind me who kept kicking my seat.
I wanted to pummel the dickwad to my right who was hogging my arm rest.
And I wanted to kick my husband in the balls just because he was next to me and his eye didn't feel like it was about to pop out of its socket.
I tried to clean out the eye with some non-eyeball-searing contact solution, but by then it was too late.
After flushing out my eye in both the airport and in the airport parking lot, I called my eye doctor. Here's a snipped of the conversation:
Me: OH MY GOD! HELP ME! MY EYE IS ON FIRE!
Doctor: I'm sorry, but you're going to have to be more specific.
Me: I USED SOME STUFF CALLED CLEAR CARE AND NOW I THINK I NEED TO HAVE AN EYE AMPUTATION. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME!
Doctor: Keep flushing and buy some rewetting drops to put in your eyes as much as you can. Enjoy your day.
Me: AM I DYING? HELLLLLLOOOO? OH MY GOD, I'M DYING.
And then I called my mom to tell her that her precious daughter accidentally put hydrogen peroxide IN HER EYE.
Her response? "JESUS CHRIST! Why would you do that?!"
Gee, Mom, I don't know. Because I was bored??
Had I known that this solution was not saline solution, I'd like to think I would have done the right thing and not put the tiny snippet of Hell directly on my eye.
And so now I'm trying to nurse a bloodshot, pus-laden (I was going to write "pussy", but that's the wrong spelling, for certain) eye.
And do you know what today is?
Effing picture day at school.
I'm not even kidding.
Ok, so I was at my mother-in-law's and the hubs and I were relaxing poolside when I decided to take my contacts out for the night. I reached for the contact lens solution, filled the lens case up, and deposited my contacts into said case.
When I woke up the next morning, I tried to put the contacts into my eyes. I immediately began screaming in pain. The pain was so great, in fact, that it brought me to my knees. My husband had to guide me to the bathroom where I was finally able to grab the contact and get it out of my burning eye.
This is when I realized that the solution I had used to clean my contacts with was this:
My dumb ass did not realize this, and as a result, I literally seared my eye.
Think about it: salmon is supposed to be seared. Steaks are seared. But eyes? No, eyes are not supposed to be seared. Ever.
We had to haul ass to the airport, so I figured I'd just wear my glasses. I still did not realized just how serious the situation was. In fact, it wasn't until we were in the air for our four-hour flight that it dawned on me.
Mostly because my eye was swollen, runny, and completely blood red.
You can just imagine how awesome I was to everyone I encountered on this trip.
I wanted to strangle the little kid behind me who kept kicking my seat.
I wanted to pummel the dickwad to my right who was hogging my arm rest.
And I wanted to kick my husband in the balls just because he was next to me and his eye didn't feel like it was about to pop out of its socket.
I tried to clean out the eye with some non-eyeball-searing contact solution, but by then it was too late.
After flushing out my eye in both the airport and in the airport parking lot, I called my eye doctor. Here's a snipped of the conversation:
Me: OH MY GOD! HELP ME! MY EYE IS ON FIRE!
Doctor: I'm sorry, but you're going to have to be more specific.
Me: I USED SOME STUFF CALLED CLEAR CARE AND NOW I THINK I NEED TO HAVE AN EYE AMPUTATION. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME!
Doctor: Keep flushing and buy some rewetting drops to put in your eyes as much as you can. Enjoy your day.
Me: AM I DYING? HELLLLLLOOOO? OH MY GOD, I'M DYING.
And then I called my mom to tell her that her precious daughter accidentally put hydrogen peroxide IN HER EYE.
Her response? "JESUS CHRIST! Why would you do that?!"
Gee, Mom, I don't know. Because I was bored??
Had I known that this solution was not saline solution, I'd like to think I would have done the right thing and not put the tiny snippet of Hell directly on my eye.
And so now I'm trying to nurse a bloodshot, pus-laden (I was going to write "pussy", but that's the wrong spelling, for certain) eye.
And do you know what today is?
Effing picture day at school.
I'm not even kidding.
Monday, August 8, 2011
An Open Letter to Wendy's.
I know what you’re thinking: this crazy has nothing better to do than write an open letter to us on her blog? Wow, her life must be really simple and mundane.
I’ll have you know, Wendy’s, that I am a very important person with a lot of klout (53 points, to be exact!). So, basically, if you piss me off, you’re pissing off America in its entirety. Or at least 53 points on a social media site.
Anyway, last week, I decided to have a chicken sammy and some fries from your joint. Perhaps this is an East Coast thing, I dunno, but I always get cheese for my fries at your establishment. They're delicious and fatty and all that I love in the world!
So, I brought the food home and began to chow down. I started with the fries, and was very disappointed that the first one I ate had the skin left on.
We call these Boardwalk fries at home (shout out to the Jersey shore--holla!), but I guess you dudes call them homestyle fries. Anyway, I figured someone in the Wendy's factory forgot to pull the lever of the potato peeler, so I munched down on another fry.
And yet again, it was a Boardwalk fry.
And then I looked at the container: "Wendy's Homestyle Fries."
Um, excuse me? I didn't order Wendy's Homestyle Fries. I ordered fries. Period. The same ones I've been dipping into my artery-clogging fake cheese sauce for my whole entire life.
You totally ruined my entire night, Wendy's.
I'm serious. I was so cranky after gagging down those fries. They totally weren't worth the calories, and I ended up picking a fight with my husband as a result.
I am asking you on behalf of America--hell, on behalf of the world--that you bring back your regular fries. I mean, what's so wrong with giving your customers the option of homestyle or regular? Arby's does it (although anyone who chooses their homestyle fries over their curly fries is cray-cray), and Arby's is good mood food.
Please remedy this situation immediately. Also, I would like to offer my services as your official spokesperson for your corporation. I am cheap and easy.
In more ways than one.
With love and a tinge of sadness,
Daydream Believer
Friday, August 5, 2011
Tool of the Week.
I've decided to spruce things up a bit on the ole blogarino and have a weekly feature. This weekly feature is very near and dear to my heart, mostly because it gives me yet another reason to rant.
Every Friday, instead of copping out and just posting a popular YouTube video, I will be choosing a Tool of the Week. This person (sometimes persons) will be chosen based on the following criteria:
1. Whomever pisses me off the most that week.
That is all.
There are some weeks that it may be a dog, and others where it could be someone famous. Perhaps someone in my life will be capable of being awarded this. Who effing knows?!
So, this week, I've decided that the Tools of the Week should be....
THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO "REPRESENT" THE AMERICAN PEOPLE! Yes, that's right, folks: the entire U.S. government has made my Tool of the Week list.
I'd like to personally thank the Republicans for being greedy bastards, and I'd also like to thank the Democrats for being passive aggressive ass mongers who are too scared to stick up for what they believe in.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're a bunch of tools!
And with that, have a great weekend!
Every Friday, instead of copping out and just posting a popular YouTube video, I will be choosing a Tool of the Week. This person (sometimes persons) will be chosen based on the following criteria:
1. Whomever pisses me off the most that week.
That is all.
There are some weeks that it may be a dog, and others where it could be someone famous. Perhaps someone in my life will be capable of being awarded this. Who effing knows?!
So, this week, I've decided that the Tools of the Week should be....
THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO "REPRESENT" THE AMERICAN PEOPLE! Yes, that's right, folks: the entire U.S. government has made my Tool of the Week list.
I'd like to personally thank the Republicans for being greedy bastards, and I'd also like to thank the Democrats for being passive aggressive ass mongers who are too scared to stick up for what they believe in.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're a bunch of tools!
And with that, have a great weekend!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Thirty and Fabulous?
At the end of the month, I turn the big 3-0. Aye carumba! I can't hardly believe it.
Recently, I was introduced to Paris Hilton's latest reality television show, The World According to Paris, and I can't stop watching. Paris is trying to clean up her image, and she said that the prospect of turning 20 scared the bejesus outta her. She realized it was time to grow up.
I can totally sympathize. I mean, not only am I an heiress to a giant hotel conglomerate (My maiden name is Holiday Inn), but I am also feeling the weight of entering the third decade of my life.
There has been more than one occasion where I've been lying in bed, curled in the fetal position, sucking my thumb and yelling for my mother. It gets embarrassing when my husband and his friends are around.
Anyway, I blogged a few months ago and asked for my readers' suggestions about some things I should do before turning thirty. Your suggestions were awesome, and some I even managed to accomplish! I went to Egypt, for crying out loud! I climbed into the burial of the Great Pyramid. That's a pretty cool way to finish up my twenties.
But then I got all reflective and emotional on myself. It was that one week of the month where I can start in a Midol commercial.
Anyway.
I decided that instead of worrying about cramming all of these last-minute adventures into the final months of my twenties, I'd save those awesome things to do in my thirties. Because if I'm being honest? My twenties were completely effing awesome.
A List of all of the Completely Awesome Things That Happened to Me in My Twenties:
1. Thanks to my niece and nephew, I learned that love at first sight really does exist.
2. I graduated from college! Yippee!!
3. I got drunk off my ass--legally!! Hurrah!
4. I graduated with a 4.0 in my Master's program.
5. I bought my first new car (a VW Cabrio--RIP, Charlie. Miss you, lover. I'm sorry I killed you in those two accidents, but thank you for not killing me).
6. I scored my first teaching job.
7. I moved into my first-ever apartment in Philadelphia...and it was AWESOME!! Well...except for the black mold and leaky ceilings.
8. I traveled to Europe for the first time.
9. I met the love of my life. Then I got engaged to him, and then I married him. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and have to touch his face just to make sure he's actually real.
10. I started an awesome blog and won Blog of Note!
11. I traveled across the country in my Toyota with my new husband AND WE DIDN'T KILL EACH OTHER!
12. I wrote a book. Ok, just kidding. I wrote half a book.
13. I traveled to Egypt, one of the places on my bucket list.
14. I got into and out of credit card debt!
15. I said "adios, biotch" to a really toxic person in my life (no, I am not talking about my brother-in-law here...I think he's actually here to stay).
So there ya go. I am certain that I could add a ton more stuff if I really put my mind to it, but I'm lazy and feel like napping, so that's all you're getting. For now.
And I still need to go skydiving. Perhaps I'll wait till I'm 31 for that adventure.
Recently, I was introduced to Paris Hilton's latest reality television show, The World According to Paris, and I can't stop watching. Paris is trying to clean up her image, and she said that the prospect of turning 20 scared the bejesus outta her. She realized it was time to grow up.
I can totally sympathize. I mean, not only am I an heiress to a giant hotel conglomerate (My maiden name is Holiday Inn), but I am also feeling the weight of entering the third decade of my life.
There has been more than one occasion where I've been lying in bed, curled in the fetal position, sucking my thumb and yelling for my mother. It gets embarrassing when my husband and his friends are around.
Anyway, I blogged a few months ago and asked for my readers' suggestions about some things I should do before turning thirty. Your suggestions were awesome, and some I even managed to accomplish! I went to Egypt, for crying out loud! I climbed into the burial of the Great Pyramid. That's a pretty cool way to finish up my twenties.
But then I got all reflective and emotional on myself. It was that one week of the month where I can start in a Midol commercial.
Anyway.
I decided that instead of worrying about cramming all of these last-minute adventures into the final months of my twenties, I'd save those awesome things to do in my thirties. Because if I'm being honest? My twenties were completely effing awesome.
A List of all of the Completely Awesome Things That Happened to Me in My Twenties:
1. Thanks to my niece and nephew, I learned that love at first sight really does exist.
2. I graduated from college! Yippee!!
3. I got drunk off my ass--legally!! Hurrah!
4. I graduated with a 4.0 in my Master's program.
5. I bought my first new car (a VW Cabrio--RIP, Charlie. Miss you, lover. I'm sorry I killed you in those two accidents, but thank you for not killing me).
6. I scored my first teaching job.
7. I moved into my first-ever apartment in Philadelphia...and it was AWESOME!! Well...except for the black mold and leaky ceilings.
8. I traveled to Europe for the first time.
9. I met the love of my life. Then I got engaged to him, and then I married him. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and have to touch his face just to make sure he's actually real.
10. I started an awesome blog and won Blog of Note!
11. I traveled across the country in my Toyota with my new husband AND WE DIDN'T KILL EACH OTHER!
12. I wrote a book. Ok, just kidding. I wrote half a book.
13. I traveled to Egypt, one of the places on my bucket list.
14. I got into and out of credit card debt!
15. I said "adios, biotch" to a really toxic person in my life (no, I am not talking about my brother-in-law here...I think he's actually here to stay).
So there ya go. I am certain that I could add a ton more stuff if I really put my mind to it, but I'm lazy and feel like napping, so that's all you're getting. For now.
And I still need to go skydiving. Perhaps I'll wait till I'm 31 for that adventure.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
New Blog
I was encouraged to follow a new blog today. I'm so happy I did. Please check out Sarah's inspiring blog at http://rollerderbyjane.blogspot.com
Where Have All the Bloggers Gone?
I first started this blog in the spring of 2008. When I first started out, it was more of a diary where I waxed poetic about my one true love on a daily basis.
Barf.
And then I got bored so I decided to spice things up by blogging about things that matter to everyone in the entire world.
You know, like reality television.
It took a long, long time to gain a following outside of my friends and family. With each new follower that arrived, my heart rejoiced. Sometimes I'd even do a cute little follower dance.
Ok, I always did a cute little follower dance.
And I use the term "cute" loosely.
Ahem.
Anyhoodle, then all hell broke loose when I won Blog of Note in June of 2010. My world was rocked as follower after follower found a place in the metaphorical reader's circle that was Daydream Believer.
It was, in all seriousness, a daydream come true.
You see, as silly as it sounds, I wanted to be a Blog of Note in the worst way. The one thing I love about this blog is that I can be the person I've always wanted myself to be. In real life (IRL in text-speak), I can be passive about many things. If someone bothers me, I hold it in to the point where I feel like I'm going to burst.
But on here? I can be a bitch. Sometimes, I can even be a funny bitch, which, believe me, is no easy feat.
Lately, though, I've been feeling really craptastic when it comes to my blog. My posts are stale, I have very little to write about, and my followers are dropping like flies.
Aside: Have you ever wondered what that expression means? "Dropping like flies?" I mean...do flies drop? I don't effing know. Will someone please Google it for me? I'm still on summer vacation and don't feel like doing anything even remotely resembling learning.
Blah.
I really don't know what to do, and if I'm being honest, I don't really care. In some respects, I feel like my blogging days are numbered. Once school begins, it's hard to post on a regular basis, and frankly, I'm usually so spent from my day that the last thing I want to do is be creative.
Last night, I started to sift through all of the blogs I follow. When everyone first started to follow me, I wanted to show my appreciation by following back. You would not believe how many blogs I follow, and quite frankly, I'm so overwhelmed with everything in my Google Reader that I usually end up missing everyone's posts anyway, which means I don't get to make my rounds and comment nearly enough.
So, there I was, going through all of the blogs. And you know what I realized? Many of the bloggers who began to follow me last year have thrown in the towel and given up their blogs. And if they haven't, they've made the invitation only.
This makes me really sad. Blogging has been quite therapeutic for me, and a great way for me to work on something I love--writing. I think everyone should give it a go, even if they hate writing. If more people were able to write down their feelings and read them back to themselves, I'm convinced the world would be a better place (are you reading this, Al Qaeda? I'm talkin' to you!).
I've decided to keep blogging, at least for now. I realize how silly and superficial it is for me to keep a tally on all of those cute little heads on the right of my blog, but I can't help it. It's a confidence booster (or deflater, at times), and a girl needs that every now and again.
I'd also like to add a disclaimer to this blog and future posts: please take what I write with a grain of salt. I have created an alter-ego on this blog, and I am not nearly the egocentric, selfish biotch I present myself to be.
Ok, I'm still a biotch. But I'm anything but selfish.
Barf.
And then I got bored so I decided to spice things up by blogging about things that matter to everyone in the entire world.
You know, like reality television.
It took a long, long time to gain a following outside of my friends and family. With each new follower that arrived, my heart rejoiced. Sometimes I'd even do a cute little follower dance.
Ok, I always did a cute little follower dance.
And I use the term "cute" loosely.
Ahem.
Anyhoodle, then all hell broke loose when I won Blog of Note in June of 2010. My world was rocked as follower after follower found a place in the metaphorical reader's circle that was Daydream Believer.
It was, in all seriousness, a daydream come true.
You see, as silly as it sounds, I wanted to be a Blog of Note in the worst way. The one thing I love about this blog is that I can be the person I've always wanted myself to be. In real life (IRL in text-speak), I can be passive about many things. If someone bothers me, I hold it in to the point where I feel like I'm going to burst.
But on here? I can be a bitch. Sometimes, I can even be a funny bitch, which, believe me, is no easy feat.
Lately, though, I've been feeling really craptastic when it comes to my blog. My posts are stale, I have very little to write about, and my followers are dropping like flies.
Aside: Have you ever wondered what that expression means? "Dropping like flies?" I mean...do flies drop? I don't effing know. Will someone please Google it for me? I'm still on summer vacation and don't feel like doing anything even remotely resembling learning.
Blah.
I really don't know what to do, and if I'm being honest, I don't really care. In some respects, I feel like my blogging days are numbered. Once school begins, it's hard to post on a regular basis, and frankly, I'm usually so spent from my day that the last thing I want to do is be creative.
Last night, I started to sift through all of the blogs I follow. When everyone first started to follow me, I wanted to show my appreciation by following back. You would not believe how many blogs I follow, and quite frankly, I'm so overwhelmed with everything in my Google Reader that I usually end up missing everyone's posts anyway, which means I don't get to make my rounds and comment nearly enough.
So, there I was, going through all of the blogs. And you know what I realized? Many of the bloggers who began to follow me last year have thrown in the towel and given up their blogs. And if they haven't, they've made the invitation only.
This makes me really sad. Blogging has been quite therapeutic for me, and a great way for me to work on something I love--writing. I think everyone should give it a go, even if they hate writing. If more people were able to write down their feelings and read them back to themselves, I'm convinced the world would be a better place (are you reading this, Al Qaeda? I'm talkin' to you!).
I've decided to keep blogging, at least for now. I realize how silly and superficial it is for me to keep a tally on all of those cute little heads on the right of my blog, but I can't help it. It's a confidence booster (or deflater, at times), and a girl needs that every now and again.
I'd also like to add a disclaimer to this blog and future posts: please take what I write with a grain of salt. I have created an alter-ego on this blog, and I am not nearly the egocentric, selfish biotch I present myself to be.
Ok, I'm still a biotch. But I'm anything but selfish.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Freaking Finally! The Finale!
Ok, so, here we are: the final two. I would like to say that my Mondays will finally return to normal, but alas, Bachelor Pad starts next week. Holla!
I was too busy scarfing down fries from Wendy's (btw, why did they change to homestyle? I HATE THEM!) to see how our saga started, but basically, Ashley met her mom, stepdad, sis, and brother, in Fiji. Her sister had tattoo sleeves, which I think are cool. Granted, they would looking effing ridiculous on me, but on some peeps, they are freaking awesome. That being said, I thought it was kind of weird that she paired some diamond Chanel earrings with her ensemble. Quite strange. Ashley's dumb sister stepped in and took charge from the very beginning. I think she was a tad enamored by the fact that she was going to be seen on national television. Sorry, girlfriend, but only ten people watched this entire season, and the majority of them were family members of the bachelors.
Anyway.
ABC finally wasted no time in getting the ball rolling. First up? JP. I think this is the dude Ashley is gonna bone on national television, so I was really interested in how her family would like him. They had what seemed like a pleasant, fun dinner, and then Ashley pulled her mom and sis aside. Her mom loved him, but her sis was all, "He is NOT the one." Poor Ashley was crushed and started bawling. I really can't blame her. Oh, I forgot to tell you this one part of the dinner that made me really, really sad. Ashley was goofing around and said to JP, "I'm funnier than you...but you're cuter than I am."
Oh, Ashley! Stop that nonsense! Why didn't she call Brad's therapist from last season? He totally could've helped her esteem issues.
So, Ashley is sobbing and neither her sister nor her mom leaned over to hug her. HELLO, LADIES?! The bitch needs a hug, dammit!
Her sister goes on an on about how Ashley is too much for him, yada yada...she read all of this in a ten-minute time span. She should be on Dr. Phil. I'm sure she could work wonders.
Then her sis took JP aside for a conversation. She was just as blunt with JP as she was with her teeny sis. JP was completely on the defensive, especially after she was all, "You're a lot older, you're set in your ways, and she's too much for you." She also went on to say that she knows when Ashley's being completely herself. She then plays the Brad card and told JP that she thought Brad was better for her than he is.
Where has this bitch been all season? DAMMIT! She should have been Ashley's spiritual consultant this entire time, jeez!
JP asks if she's going to feel this way even after JP proposes. She tells him that yes, she will. JP is pissed.
And so am I.
In a good way.
After a quick commercial break, Ashley and her sister go for a walk and hold hands.
That's so freaking weird. The last time I held hands with my sister is when we both reached into the Wise Potato Chip bag at the same time.
Ashley tells her sis that she wants to convince her that JP is good enough. Her sis says that she will never be convinced, that she's not here to sugar coat it. She is one harsh bitch.
Ashley then explodes and says she knows all of the things in her head that her sister is saying. Um, I don't really understand what she meant by that, but whatever. Ashley starts to cry and says she feels "so alone" and like she "doesn't have a sister right now." Her sister tells Ashley she's trying to save her from herself. Um, girlfriend, I'm trying to save your ears from turning green from those fake-ass Chanel earrings.
I'm wondering if Chanel just has a case of jet lag. I know from personal experience that that can make even the nicest woman a bitch (Sis, I'm talking about you--bahahahaha).
Then Ben strolls on in. They sit and chat with the fam, and then Ashley discloses the fact that she and Ben like to make puppy voices. Ashley starts. Her puppy voice sounds like Minnie Mouse. And then Ben does his puppy voice. Ben's voice sounds like Pluto.
It was the most effing bizarre scene in the history of this show, and I've (sadly) watched all of the seasons.
Chanel grills Ben, but she seems satisified with his answers. Ben confesses he's in love with Ashley, even though he hasn't told her that yet. Chanel wanted to know when he knew, and Ben said it was on their last date. You could almost see that he was saying, "When we boned in the pool," but what came out was, "When we realized we're best friends."
Don't give me that best friends b.s., Ben. You guys boned and you liked that she put out. You want more.
Then Ben and Ashley meet up in workout clothes. Ben is wearing a pink shirt and flourescent blue Umbros, the same exact pair I used to wear in P.E. class. In 1992.
Then a chopper comes flying in to take them to their next destination.
Um? Why didn't JP get a cool final date? All he got was a walk along the beach. Is this a sign that he will be getting dumped tonight? Who the eff knows? And truthfully? Who the eff cares?
Ashley takes Ben to some famous mud hole spot Ben hates mud, but calls it "pretty rad". He said that the fact that they became friends before there was any romance made the mud bath even erotic. Ashley says she wishes she could go even lower. Oh, I bet you do, you kinky bitch. Ashley rubs the mud over her body, including underneath her bikini top.
Um, Ash? Just because they said the mud had healing properties doesnt mean it's gonna make your boobs grow.
And then they kiss and do some mud humping.
Then they go back to Ben's room and I swear to God, there's porno music playing in the background. Ben makes some really boring toast and they have some champagne. There's tons of awkward pauses. I'm nervous for them. Ben blabs on an on for a bit, and once again, I tune out. Seriously, I wish I could just fast forward so I can blog and go to bed. Ben tells her he loves her, he never expected it, Ashley smiles and kisses him. Ho hum. Ben tells the camera he won't be sleeping tonight. Gross.
Ashley finally meets back up with JP. He brings up the whole Chanel issue. Ashley is in a bikini. JP looks like Lance Armstrong with his yellow shirt. I look like a fat slob with my Target nightgown. I'll totally get lucky later tonight.
JP tells Ashley that he told her entire fam that he's in love with her. They make out and JP takes the little hussy back to his room. He gives her a present, which is a pic of them and some sappy love note in this journal thingy. It was cheesy, but I have to admit that I teared up.
But that's just because I happened to stub the heck out of my toe on the bed post.
YOWZA!
After JP and Ashley do it whilst listening to Boys II Men's "I'll Make Love to You", Ashley walks around in a yellow bikini and does another recap montage for us. Oodles of fun.
The guys get ready for the big night, meeting with Neil Lane to pick out their rings. This is always my favorite part.
Had I been the Bachelorette in my single years, I would totally have demanded to see the rings beforehand. I would then make my decision based on said rings. You want to know why? Because that's the only thing a gal has left after this show.
FINALLY! Final rose time! Ben gets out of an airplane that perfectly matches the Umbros he was wearing earlier. Way to color coordinate, ABC!
Ben brings up his dead father to the camera, saying he lost a family member four years go, but is gaining another one today. He is tearing up. Oh shiz.
Before Ashley can even begin to speak, Ben goes on an on about how awesome Ashley is. He thanks her for making him feel vulnerable. He gets down on one knee and asks Ashley to marry him.
Long pause.
Long, dramatic pause.
Long, dramatic, awkward pause.
Ashley starts sobbing...
And she tells him she's sorry.
Ben says he did not see this one comin'.
Oh, Ben.
And then Ben does the ballsiest thing he's done all season!
He walks the eff off! And then she runs after him! He's pissed! Livid! He's about to cut a bitch!
Ben tells her not to sugar coat it, and Ashley is shocked they're saying goodbye on bad terms. Ben says it's not possible to leave something like this on good terms.
Holy shiz! This is what I've been waiting for all season!! To quote Ben: "Things don't end unless they end badly." I think that sums up this entire show perfectly, no?
He says, "JP is a wonderful guy. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful life together." And then he's all, "Peace, I'm out." Except he doesn't really say that. Instead, he just walks away.
He tells the camera he doesn't know what the **** just happened. He says **** again! And then he climbs into a big rowboat and sails away.
Ashley says, "This is the hardest breakup." Ya think? You moron.
JP comes out and chants "leap of faith" about seventy times to Ashley. They smile, they get engaged, they make love on the sandy beaches of Fiji. They kiss as if they're biting each other's faces.
I don't feel even an iota of emotion.
This show sucks.
Ok, so then they have the After the Final Rose show, but sorry, dudes. I'm on an early flight tomorrow, so I must go to bed. Here's what I think happened:
Chris B. Harrison: How's my hair?
Ashley: I love it. It totally represents your journey.
Chris: Ben, do you hate Ashley?
Ben: Yes, I'm very bitter. Please make me the next Bachelor so I can get a lot of tail.
Chris: Thank you for your time, Ben. Let's talk to Ashley. Are you in love?
Ashley: Oh, yes, Chris. I am in love for forever and a day.
Chris: Well, Ashley! We won't deny you any longer. In the words of Bonnie Tyler, "Forever's gonna start tonight."
Enter JP.
Makeout session lasting fifteen minutes. Panties are removed, and Chris B. does a hand check. Ironically, his are the only one hidden in an undisclosed location.
Chris: JP, are you in love?
JP: What? I wasn't listening.
And then they dry hump.
The end.
I was too busy scarfing down fries from Wendy's (btw, why did they change to homestyle? I HATE THEM!) to see how our saga started, but basically, Ashley met her mom, stepdad, sis, and brother, in Fiji. Her sister had tattoo sleeves, which I think are cool. Granted, they would looking effing ridiculous on me, but on some peeps, they are freaking awesome. That being said, I thought it was kind of weird that she paired some diamond Chanel earrings with her ensemble. Quite strange. Ashley's dumb sister stepped in and took charge from the very beginning. I think she was a tad enamored by the fact that she was going to be seen on national television. Sorry, girlfriend, but only ten people watched this entire season, and the majority of them were family members of the bachelors.
Anyway.
ABC finally wasted no time in getting the ball rolling. First up? JP. I think this is the dude Ashley is gonna bone on national television, so I was really interested in how her family would like him. They had what seemed like a pleasant, fun dinner, and then Ashley pulled her mom and sis aside. Her mom loved him, but her sis was all, "He is NOT the one." Poor Ashley was crushed and started bawling. I really can't blame her. Oh, I forgot to tell you this one part of the dinner that made me really, really sad. Ashley was goofing around and said to JP, "I'm funnier than you...but you're cuter than I am."
Oh, Ashley! Stop that nonsense! Why didn't she call Brad's therapist from last season? He totally could've helped her esteem issues.
So, Ashley is sobbing and neither her sister nor her mom leaned over to hug her. HELLO, LADIES?! The bitch needs a hug, dammit!
Her sister goes on an on about how Ashley is too much for him, yada yada...she read all of this in a ten-minute time span. She should be on Dr. Phil. I'm sure she could work wonders.
Then her sis took JP aside for a conversation. She was just as blunt with JP as she was with her teeny sis. JP was completely on the defensive, especially after she was all, "You're a lot older, you're set in your ways, and she's too much for you." She also went on to say that she knows when Ashley's being completely herself. She then plays the Brad card and told JP that she thought Brad was better for her than he is.
Where has this bitch been all season? DAMMIT! She should have been Ashley's spiritual consultant this entire time, jeez!
JP asks if she's going to feel this way even after JP proposes. She tells him that yes, she will. JP is pissed.
And so am I.
In a good way.
After a quick commercial break, Ashley and her sister go for a walk and hold hands.
That's so freaking weird. The last time I held hands with my sister is when we both reached into the Wise Potato Chip bag at the same time.
Ashley tells her sis that she wants to convince her that JP is good enough. Her sis says that she will never be convinced, that she's not here to sugar coat it. She is one harsh bitch.
Ashley then explodes and says she knows all of the things in her head that her sister is saying. Um, I don't really understand what she meant by that, but whatever. Ashley starts to cry and says she feels "so alone" and like she "doesn't have a sister right now." Her sister tells Ashley she's trying to save her from herself. Um, girlfriend, I'm trying to save your ears from turning green from those fake-ass Chanel earrings.
I'm wondering if Chanel just has a case of jet lag. I know from personal experience that that can make even the nicest woman a bitch (Sis, I'm talking about you--bahahahaha).
Then Ben strolls on in. They sit and chat with the fam, and then Ashley discloses the fact that she and Ben like to make puppy voices. Ashley starts. Her puppy voice sounds like Minnie Mouse. And then Ben does his puppy voice. Ben's voice sounds like Pluto.
It was the most effing bizarre scene in the history of this show, and I've (sadly) watched all of the seasons.
Chanel grills Ben, but she seems satisified with his answers. Ben confesses he's in love with Ashley, even though he hasn't told her that yet. Chanel wanted to know when he knew, and Ben said it was on their last date. You could almost see that he was saying, "When we boned in the pool," but what came out was, "When we realized we're best friends."
Don't give me that best friends b.s., Ben. You guys boned and you liked that she put out. You want more.
Then Ben and Ashley meet up in workout clothes. Ben is wearing a pink shirt and flourescent blue Umbros, the same exact pair I used to wear in P.E. class. In 1992.
Then a chopper comes flying in to take them to their next destination.
Um? Why didn't JP get a cool final date? All he got was a walk along the beach. Is this a sign that he will be getting dumped tonight? Who the eff knows? And truthfully? Who the eff cares?
Ashley takes Ben to some famous mud hole spot Ben hates mud, but calls it "pretty rad". He said that the fact that they became friends before there was any romance made the mud bath even erotic. Ashley says she wishes she could go even lower. Oh, I bet you do, you kinky bitch. Ashley rubs the mud over her body, including underneath her bikini top.
Um, Ash? Just because they said the mud had healing properties doesnt mean it's gonna make your boobs grow.
And then they kiss and do some mud humping.
Then they go back to Ben's room and I swear to God, there's porno music playing in the background. Ben makes some really boring toast and they have some champagne. There's tons of awkward pauses. I'm nervous for them. Ben blabs on an on for a bit, and once again, I tune out. Seriously, I wish I could just fast forward so I can blog and go to bed. Ben tells her he loves her, he never expected it, Ashley smiles and kisses him. Ho hum. Ben tells the camera he won't be sleeping tonight. Gross.
Ashley finally meets back up with JP. He brings up the whole Chanel issue. Ashley is in a bikini. JP looks like Lance Armstrong with his yellow shirt. I look like a fat slob with my Target nightgown. I'll totally get lucky later tonight.
JP tells Ashley that he told her entire fam that he's in love with her. They make out and JP takes the little hussy back to his room. He gives her a present, which is a pic of them and some sappy love note in this journal thingy. It was cheesy, but I have to admit that I teared up.
But that's just because I happened to stub the heck out of my toe on the bed post.
YOWZA!
After JP and Ashley do it whilst listening to Boys II Men's "I'll Make Love to You", Ashley walks around in a yellow bikini and does another recap montage for us. Oodles of fun.
The guys get ready for the big night, meeting with Neil Lane to pick out their rings. This is always my favorite part.
Had I been the Bachelorette in my single years, I would totally have demanded to see the rings beforehand. I would then make my decision based on said rings. You want to know why? Because that's the only thing a gal has left after this show.
FINALLY! Final rose time! Ben gets out of an airplane that perfectly matches the Umbros he was wearing earlier. Way to color coordinate, ABC!
Ben brings up his dead father to the camera, saying he lost a family member four years go, but is gaining another one today. He is tearing up. Oh shiz.
Before Ashley can even begin to speak, Ben goes on an on about how awesome Ashley is. He thanks her for making him feel vulnerable. He gets down on one knee and asks Ashley to marry him.
Long pause.
Long, dramatic pause.
Long, dramatic, awkward pause.
Ashley starts sobbing...
And she tells him she's sorry.
Ben says he did not see this one comin'.
Oh, Ben.
And then Ben does the ballsiest thing he's done all season!
He walks the eff off! And then she runs after him! He's pissed! Livid! He's about to cut a bitch!
Ben tells her not to sugar coat it, and Ashley is shocked they're saying goodbye on bad terms. Ben says it's not possible to leave something like this on good terms.
Holy shiz! This is what I've been waiting for all season!! To quote Ben: "Things don't end unless they end badly." I think that sums up this entire show perfectly, no?
He says, "JP is a wonderful guy. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful life together." And then he's all, "Peace, I'm out." Except he doesn't really say that. Instead, he just walks away.
He tells the camera he doesn't know what the **** just happened. He says **** again! And then he climbs into a big rowboat and sails away.
Ashley says, "This is the hardest breakup." Ya think? You moron.
JP comes out and chants "leap of faith" about seventy times to Ashley. They smile, they get engaged, they make love on the sandy beaches of Fiji. They kiss as if they're biting each other's faces.
I don't feel even an iota of emotion.
This show sucks.
Ok, so then they have the After the Final Rose show, but sorry, dudes. I'm on an early flight tomorrow, so I must go to bed. Here's what I think happened:
Chris B. Harrison: How's my hair?
Ashley: I love it. It totally represents your journey.
Chris: Ben, do you hate Ashley?
Ben: Yes, I'm very bitter. Please make me the next Bachelor so I can get a lot of tail.
Chris: Thank you for your time, Ben. Let's talk to Ashley. Are you in love?
Ashley: Oh, yes, Chris. I am in love for forever and a day.
Chris: Well, Ashley! We won't deny you any longer. In the words of Bonnie Tyler, "Forever's gonna start tonight."
Enter JP.
Makeout session lasting fifteen minutes. Panties are removed, and Chris B. does a hand check. Ironically, his are the only one hidden in an undisclosed location.
Chris: JP, are you in love?
JP: What? I wasn't listening.
And then they dry hump.
The end.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Men Tell All.
Viewers, it's your lucky week!
Or unlucky, if you hate these posts.
You will get two read TWOintensely boring awesome posts about our girl Ashley!
Because someone at ABC fell asleep on their job, the last few episodes of The Bachelorette have to be rushed. The Bachelorette typically ends at the beginning of July, so we're a bit behind. As a result, instead of having The Men Tell All a whole week before the finale, ABC had to air it the day before. Whatevs.
The first thirty minutes of this two-hour special (FML) were dedicated to once again summarizing the entire season. Chris B. Harrison even showed a taped interview with our gal. I'm pretty sure they showed us that entire interview last week. Get new material, ABC. I mean, at this point, I don't think someone is going to decide to watch the show. It's almost over. No need to kill an extremely dead and half-rotten horse by catching us all up, Chris.
After we endured that AGAIN, Chris B. gave us an awesome preview about Bachelor Pad 2. This preview angered me because I saw that Gia is once again on it.
What, Gia? Having trouble finding modeling gigs again? Do you honestly have to pollute my television for another season on this show? I hope you lose. And get a job.
FINALLY, Chris B. Harrison brings the guys out. After summarizing the show for the third time that evening, Chris started to choose some dudes to interview. First up was William. William is the cellular phone salesman who quickly won and lost Ashley's heart. The guys got on his case for disclosing to Ashley that Ben C. was looking into online dating whilst on the show. It came out that this was more than likely a lie, and that William did it, according to the guys, so that Ashley would choose him on their two-on-one date. William definitely had that look of desperation in his eyes, so I have to agree with what the other guys said.
William confessed that he truly regretted all of the terrible things he did on the show. He's a new man. Still single, btw.
After, we got to high-on-life-and-cocaine Ryan. The other guys still aren't buying that Ryan is as pure as he says, but I dunno. I've wasted enough brain cells on this guy, so I have nothing to say.
Next is AMES!!! And all of the ladies in the audience went nuts!!! This just goes to show you that I know what I'm talking about. I said from very early on that Ames was my fave, but I knew that Ashley would not choose him. I mean, Ames isn't for everyone. He's very quirky and very old fashioned. Ashley likes to pole dance and sleep with guys named Bentley, so I guess we're pretty different.
Chris sang his praises, even saying Ames "fought" for his love. Ok, that's not exactly true, Chris. It's not like he was provoked. He was on a group date and they were teaching them to fight in Thailand. Then Chris gave him some pink gloves and everyone got a big chuckle out of it.
Except for me because I had fallen asleep.
Chris B. reminds us that Ames will be on Bachelor Pad 2. I find myself a bit disappointed. Ames, you're better than that.
Then a commercial came on for I can't believe it's not Butter! Wow, has Kim Catrall's career gone to the shitter, huh? From Sex to Butter. Sounds like a True Hollywood Story in the making.
Then ABC presented a Bentley montage. Unfortunately, Bentley declined his invitation to the show, so we couldn't hear his side of the story. This really ticked me off, since I sacrificed cuddle time with the hubs just to be able to see him on this show.
Dammit, Bentley! Not only did you screw over Ashley, but you screwed over me! Now I really hate you!
Anyway, the guys discussed Bentley. They were all disgusted with his actions, blah blah blah.
Then Chris brings Michelle Money on the show, because Michelle was the one who texted Ashley at the beginning of the season and warned her about Bentley.
According to Michelle, who knows his ex-wife, Bentley only went on to promote his business, and that he was only going to stay a week.
I'm sorry, but Ashley is an asshole. Why the hell would she keep that ass on if she knew he was one from the get-go?
Then one of the dudes, someone I've never seen before in my life, says he has three words for B: "Go eff yourself." Wow, dude. You're soooooo chivalrous.
After the commercial break, our girl finally comes out. Wow, her hair just keeps getting darker and darker. She was really rocking the Alvira look. Also, didn't Kim Kardashian proclaim that the one-shouldered dress look is OVER? Apparently Ashley doesn't follow her on Twitter. Sigh.
Chris asked her what her biggest regret was, and she of course said Bentley. What can I say? She just loooooves saying his name.
Then it gets funny because Tim apologized for getting drunk and passing out that first night. Ashley's like, "Tim! It's nice to meet you!" Tim declares he's rooting for a guy from NY. Overall, I like Tim. I even liked that he got drunk and passed out. Fun times, Tim!
Then Chris introduces Jason Mesnick, DeAnna Pappis, and Ali Fedotwosky. Ali admits this married to Molly, even though he didn't choose her at the end of his season.
My God, people. This is one effed up show.
Chris asks what's her face if she's happy, and Ashley says that she is very happy.
After taking a look at the final two bachelors, I'm placing my bet: it's JP.
I'm usually wrong.
Or unlucky, if you hate these posts.
You will get two read TWO
Because someone at ABC fell asleep on their job, the last few episodes of The Bachelorette have to be rushed. The Bachelorette typically ends at the beginning of July, so we're a bit behind. As a result, instead of having The Men Tell All a whole week before the finale, ABC had to air it the day before. Whatevs.
The first thirty minutes of this two-hour special (FML) were dedicated to once again summarizing the entire season. Chris B. Harrison even showed a taped interview with our gal. I'm pretty sure they showed us that entire interview last week. Get new material, ABC. I mean, at this point, I don't think someone is going to decide to watch the show. It's almost over. No need to kill an extremely dead and half-rotten horse by catching us all up, Chris.
After we endured that AGAIN, Chris B. gave us an awesome preview about Bachelor Pad 2. This preview angered me because I saw that Gia is once again on it.
What, Gia? Having trouble finding modeling gigs again? Do you honestly have to pollute my television for another season on this show? I hope you lose. And get a job.
FINALLY, Chris B. Harrison brings the guys out. After summarizing the show for the third time that evening, Chris started to choose some dudes to interview. First up was William. William is the cellular phone salesman who quickly won and lost Ashley's heart. The guys got on his case for disclosing to Ashley that Ben C. was looking into online dating whilst on the show. It came out that this was more than likely a lie, and that William did it, according to the guys, so that Ashley would choose him on their two-on-one date. William definitely had that look of desperation in his eyes, so I have to agree with what the other guys said.
William confessed that he truly regretted all of the terrible things he did on the show. He's a new man. Still single, btw.
After, we got to high-on-life-and-cocaine Ryan. The other guys still aren't buying that Ryan is as pure as he says, but I dunno. I've wasted enough brain cells on this guy, so I have nothing to say.
Next is AMES!!! And all of the ladies in the audience went nuts!!! This just goes to show you that I know what I'm talking about. I said from very early on that Ames was my fave, but I knew that Ashley would not choose him. I mean, Ames isn't for everyone. He's very quirky and very old fashioned. Ashley likes to pole dance and sleep with guys named Bentley, so I guess we're pretty different.
Chris sang his praises, even saying Ames "fought" for his love. Ok, that's not exactly true, Chris. It's not like he was provoked. He was on a group date and they were teaching them to fight in Thailand. Then Chris gave him some pink gloves and everyone got a big chuckle out of it.
Except for me because I had fallen asleep.
Chris B. reminds us that Ames will be on Bachelor Pad 2. I find myself a bit disappointed. Ames, you're better than that.
Then a commercial came on for I can't believe it's not Butter! Wow, has Kim Catrall's career gone to the shitter, huh? From Sex to Butter. Sounds like a True Hollywood Story in the making.
Then ABC presented a Bentley montage. Unfortunately, Bentley declined his invitation to the show, so we couldn't hear his side of the story. This really ticked me off, since I sacrificed cuddle time with the hubs just to be able to see him on this show.
Dammit, Bentley! Not only did you screw over Ashley, but you screwed over me! Now I really hate you!
Anyway, the guys discussed Bentley. They were all disgusted with his actions, blah blah blah.
Then Chris brings Michelle Money on the show, because Michelle was the one who texted Ashley at the beginning of the season and warned her about Bentley.
According to Michelle, who knows his ex-wife, Bentley only went on to promote his business, and that he was only going to stay a week.
I'm sorry, but Ashley is an asshole. Why the hell would she keep that ass on if she knew he was one from the get-go?
Then one of the dudes, someone I've never seen before in my life, says he has three words for B: "Go eff yourself." Wow, dude. You're soooooo chivalrous.
After the commercial break, our girl finally comes out. Wow, her hair just keeps getting darker and darker. She was really rocking the Alvira look. Also, didn't Kim Kardashian proclaim that the one-shouldered dress look is OVER? Apparently Ashley doesn't follow her on Twitter. Sigh.
Chris asked her what her biggest regret was, and she of course said Bentley. What can I say? She just loooooves saying his name.
Then it gets funny because Tim apologized for getting drunk and passing out that first night. Ashley's like, "Tim! It's nice to meet you!" Tim declares he's rooting for a guy from NY. Overall, I like Tim. I even liked that he got drunk and passed out. Fun times, Tim!
Then Chris introduces Jason Mesnick, DeAnna Pappis, and Ali Fedotwosky. Ali admits this married to Molly, even though he didn't choose her at the end of his season.
My God, people. This is one effed up show.
Chris asks what's her face if she's happy, and Ashley says that she is very happy.
After taking a look at the final two bachelors, I'm placing my bet: it's JP.
I'm usually wrong.
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