About a month ago, Facebook changed its look and privacy policy, causing most of its users to post annoying statuses about how their lives were now ruined, thanks to the world's most popular social media site. Their dumb ass statuses prompted me to post a status that said, "If Facebook's changes were the worst part about your day, then you should count your lucky stars." Because come the eff on! In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?
Apparently, it does. Because I'm a hypocrite, I am now going to post all of my current gripes about Facebook. Also, for the purpose of this post, I will be putting friends in scare quotes, since most of the people on my Facebook really aren't my friends. Before you judge me, at least I know and am willing to announce to the Blogger world that I am, in fact, a hypocrite, and that I only keep these people around so that I look cool with all of my 4,5678 closest "friends". Thankyouverymuch.
Ok, the first thing that "friends" on Facebook do to annoy me is use their to-do lists as a status update. Um, guess what, "friend"? I really don't give a flying eff if giving your French poodle a bath is number six on your to-do list. Call me crazy, but I really don't. Also, stop dressing him up in that clown costume. He looks ridiculous and miserable. I will get your ass in trouble with PETA if this form of animal cruelty continues.
Next, along the same lines are the people who like to list all of the things they accomplished during the day as their status right before they go to bed. Look, girlfriend, I'm really glad you went #2 at approximately 12:15 p.m., but seriously? Does the world have to know? And more importantly, do I really care? No. No, I most certainly do not.
I also can't stand when people give shout-outs to people who aren't even on Facebook. I'm pretty sure your six-month-old kid doesn't have a Facebook account yet, so do yourself and your kid a favor: get off of Facebook, go into his bedroom, pick him up out of his crib and tell him Mommy loves him that way, instead of sending all of your love via the Internet.
Before my next gripe, I would like to preface this by saying that I love stay-at-home moms. My mom was one, and I have a lot of respect for them. This is truly only about one person on my Facebook, and since I know she doesn't even know this blog exists, I feel ok expressing my feelings on here. For the love of God, woman, will you please get off of Facebook for at least ten minutes during the day and pay attention to your kid? Posting a new status update every five minutes about how stressed out you are, how tired you are, or how much work you need to get done is not going to help anything. Also, the fact that you have enough time during the day to post 184734 new status updates, plus play Farmville or whatever God forsaken game is the new obsession on Facbeook, PLUS post song after song from YouTube leads me to believe that a. You're really not that busy, and b. You're the worst mother on the face of the planet. Like I said before, I really do love and respect stay-at-home moms. Hell, I'd like to be one some day. My Bloggy friend Natalie is a kick-butt stay-at-home mom and I love her. My beef really lies with this one person. No one else, ok? So please don't hate me.
I have a lot of former students on my Facebook, so I excuse them from this post since being a teenager is synonymous with being melodramatic, so you youngins are excused from this rant. Um, if you're an adult in your mid-to-late twenties or early thirties, please do not post intimate details of your love life. More specifically, don't go on and on and on about your relationship status, whether it's good or bad. Also, posting about your suicidal tendancies doesn't do anything other than make people talk smack about you behind your back. If you are really feeling the way that you project yourself to be on Facebook, you really need to seek professional help. Facebook is not your therapist, ok? Seriously.
And to go along with that, don't ask for advice if you're just going to get pissed off when people tell you the truth instead of what you want to hear. One day, a "friend" posted something on her status about her current relationship issues. I told her what I really thought, and she went off on me. Um, wow, excuse me for caring. I'll never make that mistake again, biotch. Happy dating.
And for the love of all mankind, let's please keep both religion and politics off of Facebook, shall we? Regardless of whether or not we share the same opinions, they are offensive to someone out there, so why don't we just stick to our blogs as a way to wax poetic about our feelings on Jesus, abortion, and President Obama, mmmkay? This has gotten me so pissed off lately that I've actually started to post political crap on my wall just to piss other people off. Passive aggressive, yes, but at least I feel a tad bit better when I think of certain people cringing on their couches when they read my shiz.
Now that I've probably insulted just about everyone who is either my "friend" on Facebook or a reader of this blog, I think it's time for me to end this post. I will say that this has been very therapeutic for me, and I've enjoyed it tremendously. I am now going to go change my Facebook status to some melodramatic, snarky, political, psychotic message and watch as the number of "friends" depletes a couple of notches. Amen.
