Ben Does Utah...and All of the Girls He Brings With Him.

Photo courtesy of green celebrity.net

The Bachelor and his harem of women are in Park City, Utah, the happiest place on Earth.  Not really, but it was the cheapest deal the produces of The Bach could get.  Ben tells the camera that the plans he has in Utah are "outdoorsy and awesome."  No, Ben, YOU'RE awesome.

Chris B. Harrison apparates a la Harry Potter and tells the gals that they have two one-on-one dates, plus a group date.  Chris warns the women to use every moment possible to get some alone time with B-dawg.  He may or may not have encouraged some hand jobs in the jacuzzi.  Ok, he totally did.

So, Rachel Bangs gets the first one-on-one date.  Rachel admits that her ex broke up with her because of communication issues, but I think it's because of her wild bangs and husky voice.

The camera then pans to one of the Caseys (Kasie?  Kasey? Khasie? Who the eff can keep track?), who says it's hard because she knows that she and Ben like each other.  She wishes this process was over, and that she and Ben were on their way to the grocery store right now.  You know what, Casey?  You're kind of making me wish the same thing.  I could totally go for some Sour Patch Kids up in here (oh, btw, Hubs has re-banished me upstairs whilst this awesome show is on).  Alas, I have a job to do.

Anyway, here comes Ben in a helicopter (of course...the helicopter always makes an appearance in the fourth episode) to pick up his woman for the night.  As they're being show the scenery, Rachel says, "Oh, wow."  Ben says, "I like where things are going."  But I think he was talking more about the canoe ride they're set to take, rather than the "relationship" with Rachel.  Rachel says she definitely hasn't felt like this since her last relationship, a statement I found to be odd and laughable.  Ben, I hate to tell you this, but Rachel's just not that into you.  She finds you incredibly boring and not very cute.  And by the way?  So do I.

Back at the bunny ranch, Casey is once again bitching that she's not given all of the alone time with Ben.  Um, Casey, there's enough man there to go around.  Pick your thong outta your butt crack and cool your jets, man.

And then the camera cuts back to the one-on-one date.  Rachel looks bored out of her mind.  Ben comments to the camera that they have such chemistry, but the conversation is lagging.  Uh, you think?  He admits that he's confused about how he feels, and there's something that he can't quite put his finger on.

At dinner, Rachel realizes Ben is starting to doubt his feelings for her, and so she starts kissing his ass a little.  It works out, because she is given the rose.  Then they go outside to make s'mores.  They made eating them off of sticks look very sexual.  Ben says he thinks his relationship with Rachel is going to be a "slow burn."  I've never heard Herpes called that before, but I guess it works.

Ben is all excited to go on his date with eight women.  He comes riding across a field on a horse.  He looks very Gaston-y.  Horse Girl admits her heart kind of melted when she saw him on a horse.  Um, of course it did.

Then Ben takes the girls fly fishing.  He says he'll show them how.  Kacie B. is once again bawling about how it's hard to not be alone with Ben because they have a connection.  Bitch, back off!  Courtney says she realizes that the day is more about catching a man than it is a fish, and even though she's never caught a fish, she's certainly caught men.  Then Ben yells, "Nibbles!  Nibbles!" which I, of course, heard as "Nipples!  Nipples!" which got a good chuckle.  Ben thinks Court has a natural ability.  Lindzi is all, "Oh no, sistah!  Ima gonna show Ben who the best fisher gal is!"  And then Courtney catches a fish and Lindzi is pissed.

The other Casey is the first to get a one-on-one "interview"(code word for getting felt up on the terrace) on the date.  She makes out with him after they both admit they've lost friends with whom they were close.  Then some other girl (her name is Samantha??) barges in and wants to know why she only gets group dates.  Wow, she is WAY forward with him.  Ben's basically like, "I don't see this going much further.  We should end this right now."  Ooh, bet Sammie regrets ever interrupting him at all.  Ben is PISSED that Sam would ask why she only gets group dates when there are other women who haven't been on dates this week.  Um, yeah, you tool, because their date hasn't happened yet.  MORON.

Courtney is all gloaty while she sips her wine and watches Samantha bawling her eyes out.  What a biotch.  She deserves to have stupid Ben and his stupid winery.  I'll bet his batch is really bitter, too.  You can tell just by looking at him.

After cutting out Sam's heart with a butter knife, he takes Kacie off to "talk".  Ben admits that it was hard for him (not sure what was hard, exactly) in the river because he wanted to kiss her, but all of those other girls were there.  Well, maybe we should just end the madness now so that Ben and Kacie can go to the freaking Piggly Wiggly, make babies on top of the cucumber stand, and go about their merry way.  I think it's safe to say that Kacie B. has solidified her spot in the top two.

After they make out, Courtney and Ben go upstairs so that Ben can act like Courtney is the only girl he's kissed today.  Courtney puts on her her frigging sob story and she gets the rose from Courtney.  Courtney just keeps repeating "winning".  Look, bitch.  That phrase did nothing for Charlie Sheen's career, and it's really doing nothing for your television career, either, ok?  So why don't you just save us all the time, go out and get a couple hookers, do some blow off of their navels, and get off of our television screens, mmm kay?

Jennifer is the winner of the other one-on-one date.  I wish someone would do the girl's make-up for her, because it's just not working for me.  She's a cute girl, and I don't think she needs all of that weird eye shadow...then again, you're talking to a woman whose daily make-up is only cocoa butter lip gloss.  I suck.

But it's all good because he and Jen end up being lowered down into a crater.  Then they fall into the water and we never see them again.

But seriously, how do they get out of that hole?  Does the fire department have to come to rescue them?

Miraculously, they are saved.  At dinner, it starts to pour, and off they run.

Dude, Jen has it BAD for our boy Ben.  BAD.  Like, it's written all over her face.  Ben says he's gonna be honest--he's surprised he feels comfortable around Jennifer.  Um, that's like a backhanded compliment. I don't think he's into Jennifer at all.  Oh, Jen Jen.  You're going to have your heart splattered all over that crater you went down on Ben on.

Oh, and cue the has-been band!

This week's victim is Clay Walker, who is a country singer from back in the day.  I guess his career had already ended, so really, this is a win for Clay.  How sad.

Jennifer says it makes her feel special to know that Ben has put this together all for her.

Jennifer, are you really that dumb?  ABC put this all together for you.  Ben did not spend a dime on your dream date, ok?  You're delusional, and with this one statement, I've started to resent you.  Dammit, Jen!

On the night of the rose ceremony, Emily confronts Ben about how sucky Courtney is.  Ben gets PISSED, and basically tells her this will be her demise.

A Note on Ben: He does not take criticism well at all.  Like, I could see him actually get kind of mean with his future gal.  I really hope that's not true, but have you guys ever seen Sleeping with the Enemy, starring a young Julia Roberts and some psycho older dude?  Yeah, Ben reminds me of her hubs.  You know, the one who basically forces her to fake her own death and start over somewhere in Iowa.  I just hope whomever is the lucky woman at the end remembers to keep the towels in a straight row.

Courtney confronts Emily about talking smack on her to Ben.  Emily flat out denies that she said anything to bed, which is not cool.  I mean, Courtney is not my favorite person in the house, but Emily should've just been a woman and told her the truth.  Emily admits to the camera that she has strong feelings for Ben.  I'm not really sure how those feelings developed, but they did.  Hmm.

Finally, Ben saves the day by calling the bitches to order.

Courtney's all, "Bye, biotch!  Winning!  I have a rose!"  and then everyone drops about five f-bombs apiece.  It was awesome.  F-ing awesome.

Peeps Who Got Roses:
1.  Lindzi (whatevs)
2.  Jamie (YIPPEEEEE!!!  We live to see another week, Jame Jame!)
3.  Nikki (Who the eff are you?)
4.  Kacie B. (Dude, I HATE when they thank him for giving them a rose)
5.  Elise (I think she said, "You won't regret this" to him.  Uh, WTF?)
6.  Blakely (she actually behaved herself this week.  I am SO disappointed in you, B)
7.  Kasie S. (She looks like she's 17...is she legal, Chris B. Harrison)
8.  Emily (Oh yeah!  More drama next week!)

Plus Courtney, Jennifer, and Rachel.

Remember the blonde chick who got drunk and evil on the first episode?  Ok, she got sent home.  And in the limo, she was bawling.  Um, girlfriend, you didn't like Ben, remember?

WHY DO THESE WOMEN WANT ROSES SO BADLY?


Ben announces that he and his 11 women will be traveling to Puerto Rico, where Courtney and Ben will go skinny dipping together.  How special.

I need a drink.  Who's with me?