|You're such a tool, Ben. Photo courtesy of Celebuzz.com|
I just want you guys to know that Hubs came in just as this show started. Coincidence? I think not. He said he wanted to "spend time" with me, but I know the truth, Hubs. You love Ben. You love The Bachelor. Just admit it. It's ok. This is a judge-free zone.
HA! Yeah, right!
This week, Ben takes all of us pathetic losers with him to Switzerland.
Ben reviews his feelings about the final three: Linzi, Courtney, and Nikki. I don't know what he says about the other girls, but he says he's not sure what there is about Courtney, but that it's some sort of "magical force". Well, Ben, I've never heard a raging boner being called a "magical force" before, but whatev floats your boner...er, boat.
He then says that he likes that she's a nerd. Wow, I've never met a dumb nerd before. How interesting.
First up is Nikki. Nikki confesses that she told Ben she loved him during the home dates last week. She and Ben take a helicopter ride, of course, and Nikki says that she feels like she and Ben are the only two people in Switzerland. Um, girlfriend? You'd better hope that the helicopter pilot is with you, asshole.
She tells the camera that she feels safe with him. I'm pretty sure that I'm physically stronger than Ben. I guess Nikki has low standards. Nikki says she wants to scream from the mountain that she loves Ben. If I were her, I'd just jump off said mountain, because the person who ends up with Ben for the long haul is in for a snooooooze fest.
Ben says he hopes she'll say yes to an overnight because he's horny. Ok, he didn't say that last part, but come on! We all know that's what he's thinking. Also, we all know that Nikki will say yes. Putting out is how you win The Bachelor, you guys. Remember that.
Then Nikki tries to sound smart and create a metaphor between the mountain and their love. She's like, "This mountain can be our love. But on every mountain is a cliff. And it's scary to fall off the cliff. That can be compared to our relationship ending abruptly, which it could in a few weeks." Oh, Nikki. You are soooooo Shakespearean.
Oh, and FYI: she accepted the fantasy suite. What'd I tell ya? I should write the script for this show, you guys.
And then they take a bubble bath with their bathing suits on.
And then they make love whilst pretending to just make out as the camera pans in on the action.
The scene ends with Nikki's leg wrapped around Ben's body.
I'm not even making that last part up.
Ben and Nikki are sluts, you guys.
The next morning, Ben picks up Linzi. They are repelling down some stupid cliff thingy. How dumb.
Also? I love how Nikki is wearing freaking boots on this date. Those will certainly serve her well?
Both of them just kept saying, "Oh my God." Pretty sure they'll be saying that again later when they're getting it on later in the fantasy suite. Just sayin'.
In the next shot, they were in some sort of outdoor bathtub. It was like a hot tub sans bubbles. It looked like it wasn't much fun and not very hygienic. Shouldn't there be some bubbles and heat to kill the germs? I don't offing know.
Then they made out. They are the two ugliest make-outers in the history of making out.
Linzi admitted that the tub is getting hot. Um, Linzi? I think Ben peed in the tub.
It's at this point that I disclose to Hubs that I would sleep with whomever the Bachelor was if I were on the show and not married to him. I think he was a bit shocked, but seriously, I am all about sleep. I LOVE sleep. I'm no dummy--I've seen those beds in the fantasy suites. Boning a guy I don't really like would totally be worth getting an awesome night's sleep.
I'd just give him a hand job.
Then Linzi and Ben are at dinner. Ben is wearing a bow tie. He looks like a total douche.
Linzi starts her love speech. She says "vulnerable" a couple hundred times. Ben gives Linzi the key to the fantasy suite. Before she opens the envelope, Linzi says, "Does it involve jumping off something?" Ben says, "That could be arranged if you're kinky like that." Then Linzi says, "I wouldn't normally do this, but..."
How many times have we heard that on this show? For reals.
Surprise, surprise! They bone!
OMG, Hubs just said, "Ben looks like what I'm about to drop into the toilet."
I love that man, you guys. I love him.
Next up is Courtney's date. Ben takes her on a kick-ass train ride. Something's changed about Courtney. She seems almost nice. I don't like this one bit. Bring back Mean Courtney, ABC, or you'll lose a precious viewer.
On their picnic, Ben calls Courtney out on her biotchiness. Ben says her actions were "pretty messed up." Courtney starts to cry to the camera about how she's scared that she's ruined things for Ben. OMG, not only is she not being a biotch, but she's kind of being HUMAN.
THIS IS A REALITY TELEVISION TRAVESTY.
Dammit, Christ B. Harrison! DO SOMETHING!!
Around the fireplace, Courtney comes back to the issue she had with the other girls. She reassures Ben that he's seen the real Courtney. She agrees that she's been immature and she apologizes.
And with that, all of the fun that this show was kind of providing went right out the window.
Do I even have to add that she accepted the key to the fantasy suite?
Yeah, didn't think so.
And then they cut in with a preview of Emily's season. Stupid Ashley and washed-up Ali take Emily to a screening of Titanic 3D because Ali calls it the perfect love story.
Yeah, Ali, except for the part WHERE THE GUY FREEZES TO DEATH IN THE WATER AND ROSE HAS TO PUSH HIS DEAD, FROZEN BODY INTO THE SEA, YOU MORON.
Back to the show...
Kacie B. shows up to school Ben on the biotch that is Courtney.
She wants to know what happened. I wonder if she'd still want to know what happened if ABC didn't pay for her flight to Switzerland?
Ben tells her they're worlds apart. Ooh, that shiz hurts!!
Kacie B. then starts in on Courtney. Kacie B. also looks like she's had some work done since the last episode. Botox, perhaps?
Ben looks stunned and pissed. Maybe he doesn't like Botox on women, I'm not sure, but he says it's just a lot to process. I'm shocked too, Ben. I mean she's so young to have had work done.
Ben quickly walks her out, they hug, she doesn't want to say goodbye, Ben just shuts the door.
Kacie B. then lies on the floor and asks for a minute.
This is an awkward moment.
Ben is all moody and pissy now that Kacie rained on his Courtney parade. He gets all angsty with Chris B. Harrison. It was so hard to watch.
Mostly because I was fighting sleep at that point.
BUT THEN I WOKE UP WHEN CHRIS B. HARRISON RETWEETED ME!
I'm totally taking over the Internet, you guys.
And then Ben is ready to choose between his three loves.
He chooses Linzi and Courtney.
I wrote that last sentence before he even announced it.
When I saw that Nikki decided to go as Julius Caesar in a toga to the rose ceremony, I knew she was heading home. You can't dress up like a murdered leader, Nikki. I'm sorry.
Until next week, Bachelor fans, stay classy, not trashy...and always pick the fantasy suite.