Bachelorette in Croatia

OMG, I was in my own personal hell yesterday, you guys.  We signed on to AppleTV, I had my trusty laptop all powered up, and then...no new episode of The Bachelorette.  What the eff??!

Anyway, life is back to normal and I got to watch the latest episode.  So, here we go.

Emily and da boyz are in Croatia this week.  I really had no desire to ever visit Croatia, but ABC certainly knows how to make an area seem appealing.  Emily says she wants to spend more time with the guys she doesn't know well, so she gives the one-on-one date to Travis.  I swear to God, there's a Travis on every season.  I'm not saying there's a guy on every scene who acts just like Travis--I'm saying Travis is on every season.  Seriously, this guy seems WAY too familiar to me.  Anyway, Travis is head over heels for Emily, but she's just not that into him.  They do stupid activities all day, and then he opens up his heart to her over dinner.  That's when Emily grabs the date rose, waves it in his face, and then says, "I'm just not feelin' it, Trav."  Then she gives him a pat on the back, says goodbye, and Travis cries to the camera on the drive back.  Of course.

Then Emily takes the rest of the guys on a group date.  They're supposed to dress in kilts and march in on a bunch of asses (how appropriate) while these bagpipers blow. I never knew that Croatia was basically Scotland.

Once the guys get off their asses (I kill me), they compete in these weird medieval games.  Chris, the douche bag who hates Doug for no reason, volunteers to go first on most of the events.  He comes in dead last because he's a jerk and God is getting him back for being a jerk, but Emily gives him the "Most Brave" award.  He thinks he's the man and proceeds to slip Emily the tongue in front of the other guys.  Lame.

Emily gets to spend some one-on-one time with each of the guys.  Arie walks her down this desolate street and they make out like cray.  I think Emily likes him best, but I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I will admit that they did look quite good together.  Arie's not the guy for me, but maybe he is for Emily. It's hard to tell, and only Chris B. Harrison knows for sure.

After her make-out sesh with Arie, Jef with one f takes her away for some alone time.  Emily takes off this blanket and shows off her hot bod in this short black sequined dress.  Emily is way too perfect.  I'm shocked I don't hate her, but the girl has morals and values, and I like that a lot.  Jef tells Emily he's "freaking crazy" about her, and I think Emily says, "Me too," but she kinda whispered it so I can't confirm this.

Chris gets more alone time with Emily.  He brags to the camera about getting the bravery award, even though he got it for coming in dead last.  Chris tells Emily he's in it forever.  Slow down, psycho.  Emily gives Chris the stupid rose...what a waste, Emily!  We all know he'll be gone next week!

Speaking of next week--I'm going to London and won't be able to watch till I get back.  That makes me sad, but I'll be sure to drown my sorrows in yumalicious English beer whilst spouting out random Shakespearean soliloquies.

Ryan gets the other one-on-one date with Emily.  He's all braggy around the house.  What a tool.  Emily's comes in wearing her distaste for Ryan on her sweater.  Seriously, I think she hates him.  She tells him that he's "rotten" and "trouble."  Girlfriend, just save us the time and kick his ass to the curb already.

Emily takes him on an oyster boat to collect some oysters.  Ryan and Emily eat some of the fruits of their labor.  Emily hates it and finds it hard to swallow.  I've only had oysters once, but I made sure I swallowed quickly so that I didn't taste anything.  I also put tons of horseradish, lemon juice and hot sauce on them, as well.

At dinner, Ryan busts out a list of what he wants his future wife to be like.  Emily compares his list to the one that's in her head.  The two lists are too different, so Emily sends Ryan on his merry way.  Ryan just looks at her and doesn't say anything for a bit.  He then tells Emily that it's very "shocking" that she didn't give him the rose.

This is the point where I spilled the cinnamon and sugar from my Cinnamon Toast Crunch all over my laptop.  Dammit!

Sidenote: is it weird that I like to eat my Cinnamon Toast Crunch sans milk?  Is it odd that I'm almost 31 and like to eat dry cereal at night?  Discuss.

Emily tells him that for the first time, she's not sure she's making the right choice.  What the eff, Emily? I think she's saying that because she doesn't know what else to say to him.  His lip starts to tremble, but he keeps his composure.  He also is pretty classy in his departure, so I'll give him that.  The turquoise shoes, though?  You should leave them in Croatia, Ryan.

Back at the hotel, the guys rejoice that Ryan is finally gone.  Back in the van, Ryan goes on and on and on to the camera.  He loves to hear himself talk, doesn't he?  What an ass.

Back at her place, Emily hears a knock on her door.  She opens it up and there is Arie!  What the eff?  Why does one person in each and every season have to surprise the Bachelor/ette at his/her private residence?  This was totally not allowed in the beginning.

She gives Arie the rose that she had on her date with Ryan, then they start making out on her bed.  They make icky kissing noises.  Kissing noises bother me unless I'm the one kissing.  I'm such a hypocrite.

Wow, they should just cancel the rest of the show because they are both totally into each other.  Fine, Arie.  I'm a fan now, ok?  Dammit!  DOUG!!

Finally, the rose ceremony.  Before it starts, Emily says she's on the fence about John and Doug.  DOUG?!!  What the eff, Emily?

She pulls John aside to talk to him.  John shows her the funeral cards of his grandparents that he keeps in his wallet.  He starts crying.

I made Hubs fast forward because I just want this episode to end already.

Then she pulls Doug aside.  I don't think Doug realizes his head is potentially on the chopping block tonight.  Oh, Lord.  Doug realizes after he talks with Emily that he's probably not gonna win the girl.  Then Doug starts to bawl in front of the camera about how much he loves his son.  It was cute and all, but it was also really bizarre.  This episode is depressing the hell out of me.

Emily gives roses to all of the guys except Doug and John.  She has one rose left, pulls Chris B. Harrison out of the room and says she knows what she has to do, and then walks in without a rose.

DON'T DO THIS TO ME, EMILY!!

Oh, thank God--Chris brings TWO roses back for Emily, and so she gives both John and Doug roses.

Seriously, I think that whole episode was a ploy by ABC because she was already down to six guys at the start of the rose ceremony.  I hate you, ABC.

Next week, Em and her crew are headed to Prague!  Hooray!