|Does this man get hair transplants? Photo courtesy of Realitytv.com|
Anyway, Chris B. announces there will be one group date and two one-on-one date. Nicki wins the one-on-one date, and Courtney starts going all Single White Female on everyone, telling them they'd "better check themselves, bitch." I like her style.
I can't stand that psychobitch.
Nicki says she'll be bummed if Ben doesn't give her a rose on this date. Then she calls him the man of her dreams. Seriously? You like an odd-looking introvert? Seriously, why do women swoon over this dude? I don't see it.
Anyway, Chris B. Harrison cues the rain, and a downpour starts. I'd just like to state that on no other show does it rain this much. Wherever they go, these ladies are followed by rain clouds. Hmm. Interesting.
Ben is turned on how easy going Nicki is. Um, dude, what the hell else is she supposed to do? Pitch a fit like she would in real life? I don't think so.
The couple decides to buy some dry clothes that are authentically Puerto Rican. Ben says he wants a Colombian-looking hat, white linens, and white shoes. Nicki gets some sort of silk tablecloth to put on. Ben says he feels natural with Nicki. Honestly, I just feel hungry. That tablecloth she's wearing has reminded me that I haven't eaten yet.
Ben mentions the fact that Nicki was married once before. Nicki says when she gets married next time, it's going to be the "real deal." You know, as opposed to the fake deal her first marriage apparently was.
Ben and Nicki start to watch a wedding that's occurring in the square. Ben says it's intense. Both Ben and Nicki look like they're about to choke on chicken bones or something. It's quite weird. And PS: stop spying on other people's weddings. It's creepy.
Then Nicki and Ben are drinking wine. Ben wants to know all about Nicki's marriage and divorce. Nicki says she wants to be excited again, and this time, she'll grow with someone. That's great, Nicki. Yawn. When does Courtney strip for Ben? Can we fast forward to that part, please? Blah blah blah he gives her the rose. She gladly accepts. They make out a bit. I passed out for awhile, and I think I tried to put the moves on Hubs. IDK, I blacked out. Then Hubs got mad because I yelled, "EWWWWW!" when I saw Ben's tongue go in Nicki's mouth. Apparently, The Bachelor makes me transform back into a n eleven-year-old girl.
Lindzi, Courtney, Jen, Casey B., Emily, Rachel, Casey S., Jamie, and Blakely will all go on the group date this week. Blakely starts bitching about not getting a one-on-one date. This is when I noticed that Blakey's teeth are capped. They're also very large.
Anyway, Ben and the gals go to an empty baseball stadium to play baseball. Blakely says she is super excited and super athletic, so this is right up her alley. In other news, she's still a stripper.
Chris B. Harrison comes out of nowhere to tell the ladies that they will be split up into two groups. The winner will get a group date with Ben (are they winners or losers?), and the losers will go home. Seriously, I'd totally sabotage that game so I could get back to the bachelorette cave to drink my face off and swim in the ocean.
Ben gets to save one woman from total destruction, so he chooses Lindzi. Kind of random, but at least it wasn't Courtney.
Anyway, the two teams start to battle it out. It was basically like watching The Bad News Bears before they started to win. Ben was the pitcher, and he was also in this hideous baseball uniform. Blakely was really good, and Courtney took the words right out of my mouth: "Who knew strippers could play baseball?" Indeed, biotch.
After countless errors, the game is tied. Jennifer strikes out, starts bawling, and the red team wins. The red team consists of Courtney, Jamie, and some other girls. The winners flew off in a helicopter, the losers went home on a school bus. I've never been in a chopper before, but I'd take the school bus home instead of a date with Ben any day. ANY DAY.
Anyway, Ben makes out with Casey B. and then gives her the rose. Courtney tells the camera that she has an idea. She takes him down to the beach, hold his hand, hugs him...did I mention that Ben looks completely shitfaced? He does. Anyway, Courtney starts making out with him and asking him to go skinny dipping. Ben says, "I don't know."
Next thing we know, it's morning and Ben is knocking on the door for Elyse. He takes her on a yacht. Poor Elise. She's really not that smart. First, she quit her job to be on the show. Oh, girlfriend. That's just asking for trouble. She tells Ben to screw everyone (I think he's close to doing that), and get married on the yacht. Yawn. They jump in the water, and unfortunately, a giant rock does not slash them into pieces.
At dinner, Ben says he's perplexed about something: Elyse mentioned that she's accomplished everything she wanted to in life. She says that she's accomplished everything that she wanted to accomplish everything as a single lady. Now she's ready to accomplish things as a married lady. I can't aptly describe this with words, but she really sounded like she was digging herself into a big hole. I was just like, "OMG, girlfriend! SHUT UP ALREADY." Ben wants her to shut up, too, so he picks up the rose, basically dangles it in her face, and sends her home.
Elyse, you NEVER give up your career for a man you've never even met. NEVER!!
Oh, and then she makes an even bigger mistake: she asks him what she did wrong. WTF??! I'll tell you what you did wrong, sister. You went on a freaking reality show to find that special someone. Do yourself a favor and go home, sign up for E-Harmony and FIND AN AWESOME JOB.
And then Ben sends her off on some sort of life raft, which catapults Elyse into her own reality show: Castaway, Bachelor Style, where she will have to spend the next forty days in a life raft, trying to make her way from Puerto Rico to Mainland, USA. Good luck and God speed, Elyse.
Also, I think Ben is a complete douche. He totally set Elyse up to think she was getting a rose. Like, why even pick it up, you ass? I hate you.
Back at the ranch, the dude comes in for Elyse's bags, which once again leads me to believe that she is still floating on the ocean somewhere.
Courtney takes the opportunity to sneak over to Ben's place. She offers to massage him using the lotion she conveniently had in her pocket. They drink some wine, and then Courtney and Ben go down to the beach to get naked and skinny dip. Ben's all, "This probably isn't a good idea" to the camera, but to Courtney, he says, "Why the hell not?"
And then they do it. I mean, they skinny dip, but I think they also do it. She keeps telling the camera that she's winning. That's all she wants. She doesn't want our boy Ben, ladies!
Finally, it's the night of the rose ceremony. The girls start throwing themselves at Ben. Blakely says she never thought a guy like Ben would like her. Blakely says that no matter what happens, she's found something in herself that she never knew existed. And just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, she's no longer going to be a hooker. Take care of you, Blakely.
Then Emily gets her turn to throw herself on Ben. She apologizes for talking about Courtney. And then she starts talking about Courtney. Ben gets PISSED. He tells her to drop it and tread lightly. Um, Big Mouth, he asked you to drop it last week. Why the hell would you bring it back up this week? She runs off crying. I love this shit.
Ben says a lot of shiz that I can't recall, and then he gives Linzi the first rose. The second rose goes to Jamie. I can't believe my fave is still in the game! Rachel comes in third, followed by Courtney. Emily looks like she's about to melt. Then Ben gives Casey S. the rose. Who the eff is Casey S? How is she still on? All she's good for is getting drunk. I don't think she's even talked to this dude. Anyway, Blakely gets the next rose. And the final rose goes to...EMILY. I feel so bad for Jennifer. I think she was the only one who actually liked him. She said she completely understands and wants him to find happiness. Oh, Jennifer. I'm really sorry, girlfriend. Ben puts her in a Hummer, and the tears begin. Big, ugly tears. And then I begin to hate Jennifer because she wonders what she did wrong.
NO ONE DID ANYTHING WRONG EXCEPT SIGN UP FOR THIS ASININE SHOW.
Back at the bunny ranch, Ben tells the ladies that it's getting more difficult. Then he drops the bombshell: they're going to PANAMA CITY, PANAMA!! My guess is they all take turns doing lines of cocaine off of each others' navels. I'm totally calling it right now.
Until next week, everyone, keep smelling those roses.