Bachelorette: The Shiz Gets Real.

I feel like I should let it known that I am in a really grumpy mood, so this post could reflect some of my grumpiness, FYI.

This week's episode opens with Emily's mom serving her breakfast in bed.  Must be nice.

Chris B. Harrison wastes no time in handing out the first date card, though.  Chris is the lucky guy for the first one-on-one date.

Everyone in Editing must be in a hurry or something because they skip the whole meet and greet and jump right into Emily and Chris walking down the street together.  Emily says she's a little nervous because Chris is so cute.  I do not agree.

Emily tells Chris that they are going to have a fancy pants dinner.  Because ABC is pissed at NBC for thinking up Fear Factor, ABC has decided to turn The Bachelor/ette into a similar series.  As a result, Emily and Chris must scale a building wall in order to have dinner.  I mean, that's how I get to all of my meals, so what's the diff?

Anyway.

Halfway up the top, it starts to thunder and lightning.  Emily is freaking the eff out.  Chris is trying to console her.  People are yelling down below that they love Emily.  Suddenly, things are happy again.  They get up the wall with no trouble at all.  Emily thanks Chris for not ditching her, but where does she think he's supposed to go?  He's hanging from a rope, girlfriend.

Chris is disappointed that they high five instead of kiss when they get to the top, but as far as I could see, the dude had his chance.  Emily was totally giving him The Eye.  She also discloses that she wouldn't have the guts to approach him at a bar because he's so cute...

...

Maybe I just need to put my glasses on.

Suddenly, Emily's opinion of Chris changes when she finds out he's 25.  Um, Emily?  You're 26, not 72.  Get over it.

She convinces herself to get over it (thank you!!) and gives him the rose.  She also takes him to see some country dude sing.  I don't "do" country, but I think she said is name is Keith Bryan?  Heath Bryan?  Ryan?  I don't effing know, but I'm guessing he's another B-list singer that ABC got for cheap like in other seasons.

Chris asks Emily if he could kiss her at the end of the song, which I think is pretty adorable.  They kiss and he tells the camera that kissing her was the best thing in life.  I like him now.

Their dates end, and now Emily is on a group date with a bunch of her men.  She brings the guys to the park to be interrogated by her friends.  

The women ask a lot of tough questions to the guys.  That stupid dancing dee-jay guy from Jersey started doing stupid dances for them.  I really hate that jackass.

Overall, I think Sean kisses enough ass to win over the women.  The one lady basically threw herself at him.  She told him that he'd look in a cape and spandex, and then she asks him to take his shirt off.  And then she demands he does push-ups for them.  At least the show is successful for someone.

After the interviews with the girlfriends cease, all of these kids run over, screaming and flapping their arms.  The guys played with them at the park.  All of the men acted like they had no other place in the world that they'd rather be.  I'm so sure they're not acting.  At all.

Basically, Emily's friends like Doug and Sean the best.  Emily takes the time to talk to the two of them one-on-one.  Doug tells a heartbreaking story about growing up in foster homes.  His mom left his father, and then his dad died of complications from epilepsy.  Um, Emily and I both started to cry.  Holy crap, Doug!  I love you even more!

Tony comes up to Emily to talk to her.  He fake cries and tells Emily he misses his son.  She totally buys it.  Dammit, Emily!  He was wiping away nonexistent tears!

Ok, then Tony gets on the phone and talks to his kid.  When he's finished, he starts crying to the camera.  Ok, maybe he's not faking.  I feel bad for Tony now.  I kinda think maybe he should just go back.  Seriously, I don't think I'd be able to be away from my kid for three months if I didn't really have to be, especially not to be on a tv show that may or may not be fake.

Suddenly, Tony and Emily are talking and then she's sending him away.  It was way weird!  I'm not sure Tony even realized she was kicking him off the show.  Oh well.  At least Tony is now with his son.

Back to the guys.  Emily gives Sean the rose, which I kinda anticipated since he hasn't been given a date rose yet.  The other two frontrunners, in my humble opinion, are Jef and Doug.  

Next up is Emily's date with Arie, the race car driver.  After a limo ride and plane trip, Emily and Arie arrive at Dollywood.  I want to go to Dollywood.

Emily says she doesn't do roller coasters.  Um, wasn't she just scaling a frigging building?  That's way scarier than a stupid roller coaster.  Suddenly, the happy couple enter a darkened auditorium.  Inside they find two microphones and a piece of paper with the words "Write a love song" written on them.  While they try to write their song, Dolly Parton shows up.  Emily is freaking the eff out.  In the words of Emily, "It's Dolly frigging Parton."  Dolly starts to play her guitar and sing while Emily and Arie dance.  Emily says it's the best moment of her life.  She's all, "Ricki who?"

Just kidding, Em.  I'm just jealous that you got to meet Dolly. I've loved her since I first saw 9 to 5.  Then Dolly pulls her aside and gives her love advice.  She also reveals that she and her husband have been married for 45 years.  She's awesome.  

Emily and Arie talk kids at dinner.  Since he has experience with children (he used to date a mother of two), they started talking about parenthood.  Arie answered all the questions correctly, and so Emily rewarded him with giving him the date rose.  She seems to really like him.  How do I know?  Well, they made out for awhile on a carousel.  Ooh, but she also said that Arie reminds her of Ricki's dad.  I'm not sure that's a good thing, girlfriend.

I'd just like everyone to know that Hubs is pouting that this episode is so long.  Suck it up, Hubs.  So are hockey games.

Kalon corners Emily before the rose ceremony.  Honestly, he's a little too Talented Mr. Ripley for me.  Emily gets a little pissy because he tells her that she has to let him finish.  Um, I don't like it easy, Mr. Ripley.  Cut the shiz.

Then Egg Man tells her to smash the ostrich egg.  I'm pretty sure Emily Maynard and ABC now have lawsuits against them from PETA.

Then Alessandro talks to her about becoming a stepfather to Ricki.  He sinks his own ship by telling her it would compromise his life.  That was basically the kiss of death for him, and so she sent him on his way.  Do I blame her?  Nope.  Emily feels like she disrespected him, and while he said it wasn't the language barrier, that he actually felt this way, I kinda think it was misinterpreted.  She thought he was disrespectful, but I don't think that's how he meant it at all. 

Emily recovers by making out with Arie in the hallway.  All of the dudes saw.  

Then Sean steps in to do a little butt kissing.  He tells Emily that Ricki would be his child.  And then they make out.  That was perfect timing, dude.  Well played, Sean.  Well played. 

After Emily is brought out by Chris, she hands out ten more roses :

1.   Jef gets a rose.

2.  Charlie (I totally forgot about Charlie!  Where the eff was he this week?)

3.  Doug (Everyone's fave...or maybe just mine?)

4.  Michael (Haven't seen him since the first episode)

5.  Travis (She only gave him one this week because they had the egg dropping ceremony for which they will be sued)

6.  Alejandro (Has this man even spoken this season?)

7.  Ryan (I think this man is a tool)

8.  John (When are we going to start calling him Wolf, dammit?!)

9.  Kalon (Still don't know if I'm spelling his name correctly)

10.  Nate

Next week, Emily takes the boyz to party in Bermuda.  Chris and Doug get into a fight.  Ryan chastises Emily for kissing Arie in front of everyone.  I CAN'T WAIT.

YAY! Dancing Dee-Jay with a vendetta against Kalon did not make it through!  

The Bachelorette: Week Two of America's Sweetheart

As the show opens, Emily waxes poetic about filming in Charlotte.  Because she's the hottest and sweetest Bachelorette ever, Emily gets whatev she wants.

Then Chris breaks it down for the guys: the date cards will arrive, and if Emily decides not to give someone a rose on a date, then their asses are going home.

Ryan gets the first one-on-one date with Emily.  After everyone celebrates, we get about ten different shots of the guys having fun at the pool, which translates to a lot of close-ups of the guys' abs.  It reminded me of the Chris Farley-Adam Sandler SNL commercial for Schmitts Gay Beer.

I miss Chris Farley.

Anyway.

Ryan and Emily head back to her house to get it on.

Not really, you guys.  Emily's not that kind of girl.

They go to her house and make cookies for Ricki's soccer game, obvi!

Emily also tells Ryan to wait in the car when she arrives because she's a nervous mom and doesn't introduce just anyone to her daughter.  Because she's awesome and real.

Then she gets all fancied up and Ryan comments to the camera that she looks sexy in her red dress.

I'm wondering if Ryan's colorblind, though, because her dress is obviously fuchsia.

Anyway, they go out to dinner and Emily asks Ryan some difficult questions.  I think Ryan answered the questions fairly well, especially when he turned the tables and asked Emily if she'd be willing to let a man in.

She gives the date rose to Ryan, and then they step out on a red carpet and all of these people start screaming and yelling for Emily.  Ok, all of these women start screaming and yelling for Emily.

Some band I've never heard of starts to play while Emily and Ryan dance.  This is the part of the show when Hubs starts drinking and saying, "Oh my God, this is so stupid."  It's a shame his opinion doesn't count when he says mean things like that.

The next date is a group one that involves performing with Kermit and Miss Piggy.  They all act like Kermit and Miss Piggy are actual people.  It was bizarre and disturbing, to say the least.

The Muppets tell the guys that they'll be performing, and Charlie freaks the eff out.  He's supposed to be a comedian for the night, but he wanted no part of it.  Charlie was in a really bad accident a few years ago, and he is still trying to recover from his injuries.  I give him a lot of credit.  Instead of just going up on stage, he talked to Emily about it.  They decided that he'd help to sing "The Rainbow Connection" instead.

Then Emily needs help getting zipped up, so Kermit helps her just as Miss Piggy walks by.  Mis Piggy freaks the eff out and basically threatens Emily's life.  Luckily for Emily, Miss Piggy isn't real.

The show finally began.  A couple of the guys came out and did a dance routine while Emily just kind of jutted her hip in and out and smiled.  Emily, this is the first time you've faltered in my eyes.  I mean, couldn't you clap and whoop a little?  You just stood there like a weirdo!

One of the guys came out to do his comedy routine.  It was so bad that even Fozzie was embarrassed and he's NOT REAL.

Aaron, Charlie, and Jef were called up by Miss Piggy to answer some love questions.  Aaron had to write a poem on the spot, so he came up with this little gem:

Roses are red, violets are blue
Emily, I can't wait to get to know you.

You are so lame, Aaron.  Then Jef has to get up and propose to Miss Piggy.  Luckily for him, he doesn't have to go through with the wedding since she's an inanimate object.

Charlie comes up with a good answer to his question, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief for him.  I think it's cute how everyone was worried for him.  I do hope, however, that the guys start getting mean and catty soon.

Then Ricki came up and stuff there while her mom, the pig, and the frog sang "The Rainbow Connection."  It was a great moment.

Ok, it was kind of lame.

Emily goes out for drinks and convos with the guys.  Emily seeks out Jef with one f because she thinks he's ignoring her.  He says it's so hard and weird for him, but she reassures him that he's awesome and reminds her of herself.

Stevie and Calon (I don't even know how you spell it) hate each other, but it's Stevie's fault.  I don't like Stevie.  For whatever reason, he hates Calon.  He gets all pissy when Calon interrupts Emily and Stevie, but that's kind of how the game is played.  Stevie is a gentleman in front of Emily's face, but he's a real bitch behind her back.  He tells Calon that he hates him, and he's pretty drunk and possibly stupid, so Calon is easily able to win their little tiff.

Jef with one f gets the date rose, and then the night ends.

Emily waits for Joe to arrive for their one-on-one date.  When he does, she informs him that they are flying to West Virginia, Emily's home state.  Then they are chauffeured around in this antique car.  It was kind of random, actually.  Emily takes him to the Greenbrier, this gorgeous resort.  Um, I wish Emily would take me to the Greenbrier.  We could have a spa day and get mani/pedis, then sip on girly drinks all night whilst we talk about our fashion dos and don'ts.

The first thing they do is go swimming.  Emily strips down into this kinda weird bikini.  It looked more like maid lingerie, but of course she has a bangin' bod so it doesn't matter.

Back at the house, Greg gets mad at Calon because Calon said that Greg put being a dad on hold in order to be on the show.  Um, Greg, I love you  but he's got a really valid point.  I don't know how I feel about Calon, but I really don't think he meant to piss anyone off by his comment.

The show cuts back to Emily and Joe.  Emily comes down a ton of stairs in this really cute pink ball gown.  She reveals to the camera that she feels like there's a spark missing between the two of them.  Sorry, Joe, but that doesn't sound promising.  At dinner, they put some love notes in a clock, which is supposed to represent standing the test of time.  Joe's was all about coming back to West Virginia with Emily and Ricki, then meeting her parents.  Emily's is all about this love lasting.  Then Emily starts crying in her confessional with the camera because she realizes that she doesn't feel it for Joe.  She then starts to cry at the dinner table, and Joe realizes he's a goner.  Frankly, he looks shell-shocked.  Poor Joe!  Emily tells him that she doesn't know where she or her daughter fit into his life, which I think is weird.  I mean, how is Joe supposed to know?  He's known Emily for like five minutes.  Oh well, I do believe in gut reactions, and if she's not feeling it for Joe, then she should kick him to the curb.

Holy crap, Joe is really pissed at her. They don't even show his send-off in the car.   Then Emily is left behind to watch the fireworks show by herself.

At the pre-game party, Tony gets all pissed that Ryan is hogging Emily's time.  He has a point because Ryan already had a rose and is taking away from the others' time.  Before he parts ways, Ryan gives her a letter that he wrote to her.  She proceeds to read the letter, which takes about twenty minutes.  Tony is just standing there in the corner, impatiently waiting for her to finish her time with Ryan.  It was tres awkward.

Finally, Tony gets some time with Emily.  He is desperate to tell her all about his son.  I'm pretty sure this is because Tony knows he doesn't have a chance with this woman, so he has to try to identify with the biggest part of Emily's life.

Calon, whose name I've completely butchered and always seem to miss when it flashes on the screen, approaches Emily to discuss how they both have old souls.  I giggled when he was all, "I've always thought of myself as an old man in young man's shoes." Emily says, "Me too!"  Really, Emily?  You've always thought of yourself as an old man, too?  Crazy.

Finally, it's time to get down to business!


Guys Who Will be on the Show Next Week
1. Ryan
2. Jef with one f
3. Calon
4. Arie
5. Michael (the first I saw of him tonight was at the ceremony)
6. Nate (who the eff is he?  Is he new?)
7. Sean
8. Chris
9. Doug
10. Travis
11. Tony
12. John (when do we get to start calling him Wolf?)
13. Alesandro
14. Charlie
15. Alejandro (where there hell was he this week?)
16. Stevie (ABC totally made her pick him because he's a drama boy. No me gusta.)

Aaron, the Biology teacher, got sent home.  He seems a little bitter.  The other guy, Kyle, went on and on about wanting to find someone and how he took chances.  Bo-ring.

Next week looks soooo dramatic!  I really can't wait: Emily throws the egg that What's-His-Name gave her, Tony is strategically starts crying about missing his son, and Alesandro tells her becoming a father would be a compromise.  I can't wait!

Still Team Doug, btw.

The Bachelorette is Back!!

Were you worried I wouldn’t be able to watch this season of The Bachelorette?  Oh, please!  You know I would’ve done whatever it takes to make sure I got to watch my favorite television show.  Hell, I would’ve have flown to America every Sunday night just to be able to watch this show ever Monday.  Ok, so this is how it’s going to work: Hubs and I have Apple TV.  The first thing Hubs did was buy me a season pass for The Bachelorette, which means I will get to download the show as soon as it airs in the States.  While I’d love to say I’ll be watching it on Monday nights, the reality is that it probably will be more like Tuesday night.  However, since my Tuesday night is your Tuesday morning/afternoon, this should still work the way that it has in the past.  Hooray!!  Hubs is our hero!! Also, I'm tired and it's late here.  I'll proofread later.  Maybe.

Finally!  Emily’s season has begun!  The show begins with Emily and Ricki happily swinging on the swings.  First things first, Emily has fake boobs.  There is no way those ta-tas are real. 

 Emily then was tucking Ricki in for the night.  Um, Ricki’s bedroom rocks.  I want to live in Ricki’s bedroom.  Also, it’s apparent that Emily is quite rich.  Her house is awesome, her car is awesome, and she has great clothes.  Coupled with the fact that she’s beautiful, you’d think I’d hate her.

BUT…

I don’t hate Emily.  Not in the least bit.  Like the rest of America, I really love Emily.  She’s gorgeous, and she seems like the sweetest girl ever (and she really is a girl!  I had no idea she’s only 26!).  I would like to say this to Emily:

Hey, Em.  If you’re reading this, I hope you know how much I love you.  Also, if you act like a two-bit floozy like previous Bachelorettes, I will hate you forever.  Or at least until your season ends.  In addition, I would like to say that I really, really hope you find love.  You and Ricki deserve it, for sure.

XOXO,

DDB

I am super excited for this season.  First, watching The Bachelorette is a nice change from trying to decipher the lines in the German version of Two and a Half Men.  Secondly, Emily is the most beautiful Bachelorette ever, and so these men are gonna act like lunatics.  I’m predicting lots of drunken fighting, and I honestly can’t wait.

So, without further ado, here are the men:

Kalon, Luxury Brand Consultant.  What the hell is a luxury brand consultant?  Also, he shows up in a helicopter.  Damn, ABC must know this is going to be the biggest season ever.  I mean, they usually don’t bust out  the helicopter until the third episode.

Ryan from Augusta, a sports train facilitiy owner.  He played professional football for eight years.  I think Emily will like Ryan, especially when he held up a sign that said “You’re so beautiful” on one side, and “I’m so nervous” on the other.  Dude, you had ME at hello.

Tony buys and sells lumber and plywood, but he’s also a fitness buff.  He has a son around Ricki’s age.  I’m thinking having a kid will give him an edge, even though he’s not particularly attractive.  He also arrived with a Cinderellae slipper.  He made Emily try it on and it fit.  That was cute, Prince Charming.  

Let’s see if you can live up to the title, dude.

Lerone from Los Angeles is a real estate dude.  Lerone is hot.  He looks exactly like the way I picture Ranger to look in Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels.

David from New York City is a singer/songwriter.  Oh God, how many stupid songs are we gonna have to listen to this season?  The screeching song “Emily” he was singing in his little intro blew. 

Charlie is a recruiter from Tennessee.  What he recruits, however, I have no idea.  Charlie reveals that he was involved in an accident last year where he sustained a whole bunch of crazy injuries.  I like Charlie.  

In fact, I like most guys named Charlie.  What is it about that name?

Jef (one f), from Salt Lake City, is a CEO of a bottled water company.  A percentage of the profits goes toward digging wells in needy countries.  Um, Jeff, I love you already.  He rode on a skateboard a la Marty McFly in Back to the Future .

Arie from Scottsdale is a race car driver.  Dammit, ABC!  I don’t think Emily can really handle this right now, you bastards! 

Sean from Texas is an insurance agent.  He was the first one to get out of the limo, and his introduction was boring, but he’s cute.

Doug is from Seattle and he’s a dad and in real estate.  His son is 12, and he seems sweet and genuine.  I like you, Doug!

 Jason is a fitness model.  What the hell is a fitness model? 

Joe, a field energy advisor, is a douche bag.  He was WAY too over the top in the intros.  What a moron. 

Kyle is a financial advisor from California.  He’s boring.

Chris, a corporate sales director, is from Chicago.  He’s such a sweetie!

Aaron is a biology teacher.  Aaron is a dork.  I kind of love him.

Allesandro is a grain merchant from Brazil.  At least I think it said grain merchant.  I think I need new glasses.

Stevie is a party emcee from Staten Island.  This guy can move!!  He’s so fun and I love him!!!  …until he keeps pestering Kalon and won’t let go of the fact that the dude showed up in a helicopter.  Get over it, loser.  You’re now on my list….the bad list.

 Randy, a marketing manager, shows up dressed as a grandmother, like that girl who showed up in Ben’s season with her grandma.  Dude, that was stupid.

Nate is an accountant.  Emily comments that he smells good.  That’s all I got.

Brent does something with technology.  That’s all.

John “Wolf” is a data destruction specialist.  I didn’t know one could specialize in data destruction.  Interesting.

Travis, and advertising sales representative, shows up with a huge egg.  He said it symbolizes Emily and Ricki, and throughout this journey, he’s going to take are of the egg just like he’s going to take care of Emily and Ricki.  OMG, no he didn’t.  What a moron.

 Michael is a rehab counselor from Texas.  He has long hair, and he gives Emily a guitar pick.  I’m not really into long-haired dudes, but Mike is cute.

Jean-Paul is a marine biologist.  He tells Emily he doesn’t know much about her. 

     Alejandro is a mushroom farmer from Columbia.  He speaks to Emily in Spanish, and she speaks back in really poor Spanish. 

And in typical DDB fashion, I have forgotten someone.  Who the hell do I do this every single season??!  Dammit!

Emily then introduces herself to the men.  She keeps saying “golly.” It’s kind of annoying, but she somehow pulls it off.  Kinda. 

She mingles with the gentlemen, and then Chris brings out a bobble head doll of himself and of Emliy.  They do this weird little skit.  Emily think he’s hot.  I think he’s not.

Um, and then Jef starts talking about how Emily deserves the best.  And let me tell you something: I melted.  Freaking Jef is awesome.  He won’t be the last man standing, but gosh darn it, he is the bomb.  Emily thinks he has a cool vibe. 

Doug, the father of the twelve year old, gave Emily a note that his son wrote to her.  Dude, that was BRILLIANT. 

The letter made me cry.

 I am such an ass.

Arie pulled Emily aside and told her that he was a race car driver.  He wanted to make sure it was ok with her.  At first, Emily looked like she was about to cry, but she took it like a champ and said she was ok with that. 

Emily then decides to pull Doug aside to give him the First Impression Rose.  It is totally deserved, and you know what?  Doug is adorable and sweet.  I can totally see these two together.  Go get her, tiger.

Chris comes in and dings the champagne flute (that’s not a euphemism for anything, even though it sounds like it could be), and Emily goes off to decide who goes and who stays. 

Before Emily dismisses the losers, she discloses that all of the men have given her hope and confidence. 

Here are the lucky winners tonight:

  

Chris

  Ryan

Kalon

Arie

Charlie

Jef

Nate

Shaun

      Joe

      Kyle

      Aaron

     Alejandro

      John “Wolf”

     Alessandro

      Michael

         Stevie

     Tony 

    Travis

Aside from not choosing hottie Lerone, I think Emily did a great job on her first night. 

In the highlights of the season, there’s a lot of crying, and Emily tells one dude to “get the eff out.” ABC made it look lik eit’s going to be Kalon, but who knows?  Dolly Parton also makes a cameo.  ABC is totally pulling out all of the stops.  I freaking love this show.

My prediction?  Doug 2012, baby! 

I Miss the Internet.

Dear Readers,

If you do not follow me on Facebook, you do not know that we have moved into our apartment and will not have the Internet until next Wednesday.  And not knowing that is basically your punishment for not following me on Facebook, so go do that right now. 

We'll wait. 

And if you do follow me on Facebook, I would like to apologize for lying about getting the Internet next Monday.  Blame Hubs, because that is what I am doing.  I will resume writing when I no longer have to walk to the Internet cafe place, ok?

Peace,

DDB